Mayday's Lost world

um

2007-09-30T23:29:00.001-04:00

Is this thing on?

Mahogany rules

2007-02-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

Some Days~

2007-02-08T09:01:00.001-05:00

Blogs are a funny thing because some days you feel you want to share your life with the world and some you just feel like eh what the fuck is the point. While I had in mind that once I started working on myself that I would just fade into the woodwork that apprently hasn't happened.. maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment!

The fact is that I realized I could help make a difference and maybe show someone else they aren't alone. Or educate people to understand that we are all different and as a race that in itself give us richness, it keeps life interesting. The bottom line for me is that a certain amount of it is self serving. That is to say I do it for selfish reasons

It is kind of hard to think that you can be selfish in sharing yourself with the world in such an open manner but there is so much that I have gotten in return from it that I feel I get back more than I give sometimes.

I recently read a blog from a good friend of mine regarding the sharing of art and the fact the people are willing to enjoy it without being willing to give back. I can fully understand as a musician where she was coming from and I agree with her 100%. I guess in some crazy way this is why I've been able to get back from my blog, simply from the friendship and support I've received... I only wish all aspects of sharing could be that full.

Recently I received a really cool email from Catfish who I actually met through Sully. We haven't had the chance to talk much directly but from everything I've heard about him and read within his own blog he comes across as a really cool guy.

When I got the email from him I was surprised because it was done as a nice gesture out of the blue. While Dan never really knew me personally he certainly went out of his way to pat me on the back and express that he thought it was great I was working to find myself ... that's all I can ever ask for in life. Dan is certainly the type of person that I would normally associate with simply because he cares... So Dan if you see this blog ..this is a heartfelt thank you ...

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On a side note I always get deep into what's going on emotionally or something in left field so today is a bit of an add on. The weather has become typical New England as it has gotten really cold. As I sit here an write this the current temprature is only 11 degrees. The crazy thing is that we still have only gotten a total of 2" of snow this season while upstate New York at last count was well on their way to 100" of snow within 1 weeks time. Now that is crazy stuff!! I can't remember the last time we had a huge snowstorm other than the famous blizzard of 78 when I was a kid.

I got a new guitar in the stable 2 days ago and I must say she kicks major ass. It is a Charvel Mahogany Strat with a maple board and without being plug in the thing resonates so well it is loud. I've never owned a guitar that had that kind of depth naturally without a ton of distortion behind it. As I was on the phone with Sully I hit a note and the guitar just sustains for days ...and BTW Sull there was no compression added to get that it was just the guitar ....

Maybe I'll get off my duff and post pictures of it soon .....

Anyway enough for now, onward and upward ...
~K~

My stages of GID

2007-01-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

When I was young maybe around the age of 5 and then more so at the age of 7 I knew something was not right with me. I never understood the aspect and the differences in gender at that age so it wasn't as though I could point to it and say that I felt female in my mind.

I understood that I was being pushed to socialize and be segregated with the boy on the playground. Back in those days things were much different in the boy/girl socialization and it was never more noticeable than things like school yard recess. I specifically remember how the girls were on one side of the school yard and the boys were on the other separated by a yellow line like you would see down the center line of a divided highway.

I never understood why I couldn't go over to the girls side I just knew I wanted too. I never equated it to the differences within my mind as much as it just seemed more natural to want to be over there. I was never a rough and tumble boy it just wasn't in my nature and for the most part I tended to be a lot more sensitive than my peers.

When you are that young and thrown into a situation that you are not comfortable with it can deeply affect you. I certainly knew I had to learn to play a tough guy act if I was to survive among the other boys, after all that is how I was being socialized. At times I could play a tough guy act but if I was called on it (which happened easily I didn't appear tough) I couldn't back it up.

I think as most parents our job in nurturing our children isn't much different than training an animal to some degree. If nature dictates a specific behaviour we then take that behaviour and use it as a modified trick further evolving the behaviour in the animal. This for the most part is the easiest way to train any animal.

So how does this equate to human beings? I think any child that shows a natural positive behaviour, that particular behaviour should be reinforced and nurtured. For instance if your child shows a talent for drawing then it is easy to make drawings a positive thing thus allowing the child to hone the talent. I don't see how this couldn't be done with anything that works to make a child grow into a well rounded adult.

This was a talent my mom simply didn't have when it came to understanding her child. Anything regarding being different or being less than the other boys was something she made an attempt to correct. For instance instead of asking me what activities I might be interested in she made it a point to push me into them.

Scouts
Karate
Baseball

etc...

She tried to push me into contact sports but being the type of kid I was, the thought just simply terrified me and it was one of the few times I remember her not pushing me into it as she had done with other things.

I look back now on those times knowing what I've learned about myself wondering how I made it through. To some degree it is like being stuck in mid drift of anesthesia and having the doctor start the surgery. You are aware that it is happening but no matter how hard you try you just cannot communicate what is wrong. I'm finally thankful for the first time in my life I am able to communicate my inner self to the outer world and I only hope the world listens with acceptance and support ...

Soaps, Blogs and stuff

2007-01-19T08:38:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid we lived with my grandmother who was drawn to all the daily television soaps in her retirement. I used to laugh because I would get home from school and my grandmother would be sleeping on the couch with whatever show was on and she would be snoring away. The minute I would change the channel I would hear from a dead sleep "I WAS WATCHING THAT!" It always amazed me she could see the tele through her eyelids like that. I guess it isn't much different than the moms who have eyes in the backs of their heads...

I never had any desire to watch a soap and the only reason I'd ever seen one was because of my dear old grandmother. After she past away I never watched one again, I just had no interest.

Until now ..

Lemme start by saying I don't think any differently about them now as I did then for the most part I think they are garbage simply because they base story lines around negativity all the time. Recently "All my children" started a new story line that was quite ground breaking and it peaked my interest when I heard it was going to be revealed.

The story line is based around an eccentric rock star named Zarf who meets a girl that he becomes infatuated with. When he starts to get involved he finds out she is a lesbian and things start to make more sense to him .... Because he's transgendered and has been suppressing it his whole life. He knew he was but he didn't feel safe enough dealing with it until all the cards seemingly fell into place.

As we all know in soaps nothing ever "falls" into place otherwise their story lines would be boring. What they have done with the story line is intertwined a little bit of every aspect someone dealing with GID has to endure. The fear of coming out, the self hatred, the acceptance of others and worse the harsh judgement of others as well all bare heavy on the soul.

From what I've read the writers wanted to do something ground breaking and had already walked the sexuality line so they decided the next best controversial subject was that of gender. In an effort to do the story justice the got involved with PFLAG to learn more deeply about the realism of the subject.

I have to say while I hate soaps I think they are doing an awesome job of showing how hard it is for someone to come out and be who they feel they truly are. I for one have my DVR set just to watch and see how the character deals with things...Hopefully others will watch and learn with an open mind and education is never a bad thing ...

Blogs~

Well I'm not sure where I am going with Mayday's lost world in the future as I'm moving into a new blog. I may just leave it up for others to read some of the subjects I've discussed but in the near future I am moving forward and moving on. Things will be changing a great deal and I'm learning where I fit in and what feels right and doesn't. The fact is that I'm moving forward can only serve me in a positive manner and I hope that others either agree or try to understand that.

Lastly we had a dusting of snow over the past night and woke up to a very peaceful beautiful white blanket. One of the only things I love about snow is that when it is fresh it leaves me with such a tranquil feeling.

Anyway enough for now ... happy Friday to all of you

Winter has arrived

2007-01-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

Well maybe not in the form of snow but we had a massive ice storm over the last few days. Lost power several times and sheets of ice over everything ..

Done right, Down under

2007-01-12T06:21:00.000-05:00

Boy I wish our leaders would buck up and be like this. At a time when the new Massachusetts Gov rescinded an immigration law allowing police to detain Illegal immigrants this is truly that attitude we need ... As a nation where are our morale values when it comes to our own naturalized citizens ... Maybe I need to move to Aussie ...

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Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on
Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted
radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to
Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister
John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists
would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir
apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked
to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular
state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your
values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic
state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.

"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws
governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another
the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary
law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law
and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices
it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.

Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave,
he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move
to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told
reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values
should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians,
and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them,
well then, they can basically clear off", he said.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday
by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It
Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of
Australians."

"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the
'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that
our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor
do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming
to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to
understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has
served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as
Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language
and our own lifestyle."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials
and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,
Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society . Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing,
political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is
certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God
offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is
that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are
happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't
care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your
culture, but do not force it on others.

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will
allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done
complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian
beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one
other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here.
You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

TYFA

2007-01-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

T.Y.F.A~ Trans Youth Family Advocates

It isn't often that I'll re post or copy a subject from another blog or website. I won't do it simply because I consider myself to be a leader and not a follower in most instances. I also like to think I'm creative enough to write from my own heart and not ride the coat tails of others. That is unless there is a coat tail that is truly worth following.

After stopping by Annah Moore's blog and subsequently Emmy's blog I decided the topic at hand was one truly worth talking about to help educate people. I hope they both understand I'm not out to jump on a bandwagon but I am looking to spread a message.

I can only start this message and explain through my own experiences with G.I.D. When I was young I had an understanding that I was different but I was not allowed to understand what that was. I grew up in a very close minded homophobic household and I was expected to be nothing less than 110% red blooded American male and anything less was unacceptable. What these early negative interactions did to me left me in a state of mind that was not healthy to my long term plans for life.

I've always had a basic understanding that I had transgendered feelings and thoughts but I'd done everything in my power to suppress it, ignore it and run from it. While I was able to function in day to day life the after affect was a person who was negative and angry with the world around them. This would inevitably lead to a constant roller coaster of emotional turmoil all through my adult life.

I can honestly say that after slowly dealing with it for a little over a year and working on who I need to be I am becoming a more balanced person. I was told by my wife today I have become happier and more centered. I still have a long way to go but every positve step sheds years of negative emotion from my soul, I couldn't ask for more ..When I decided to get help and work on myself the last thing I expected to do was make it public. What I learned from being friends with Annah Moore is that in whatever stage we are dealing with in this we need to make others aware they are not alone and there are options.

So how does the title of this thread play into this? Simple!!

Looking back on the years of my life I'm truly thankful for the accomplishments I've made but I'm also regretful for the negative damage I've done in the process. Today's youth are no different now than I was or even Annah was back when we were teenagers, that is except for one thing...

When we were young there was no Internet. There was no way of getting information without opening yourself up to ridicule because it simply wasn't discussed. Today's youth have a plethora of information at their finger tips by using any search engine and lucky enough for them have a better chance at being themselves than people Like Annah or I did.

While all this information is available to help them figure themselves out or let parents of adolescence TG children find info to help the one thing that is lacking is public education. Make no mistake we as a race are better with each generation we teach of tolerance but without a start things will never change.

If you want to learn and support please checkout this video and the web link. Learn with an open mind and most of all if you know someone in this situation please show them support and love so they can learn to be themselves and not feel like life is a lie.

Here is a list of TYFA's beliefs .

TYFA Believes: All people, especially children, have the right to be listened to when they express something as core to their sense of self as gender identity, particularly when that gender identity expression differs from their assigned birth sex.

TYFA Believes: Anyone who supports and honors a child’s gender identity expression deserves in return the support and respect of their extended families, neighbors, communities, schools, child welfare agencies, the courts and last, but not least, the medical community.

TYFA Believes: There is no greater gift we can give, or positive role-modeling we can do, than to teach our children to respect and cherish diversity

Please educate and teach each new generation tolerance..... If you are TG'd and need to talk or get info visit Annahs website or feel free to write me if even for a sympathetic ear and most of all understand you aren't alone..

~K~

Time Marches on

2006-12-31T22:12:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged much over the last few months. I had decided it was in my best interest to worry about myself for a while and not things like blogging. Like everyone does we close out the old year and start a new one with hopes that things are more prosperous in one way or another, I'm no different. So as I sit here I try and plot my 2007 journey while looking back on my 2006 ups and downs.

To say 2006 was a good year for me would be a gross overstatement but to negate it to strict negative terms would be doing the things I have worked so hard on an injustice. So I've had a rough year but I'm a much better person in the process.

2006 saw me blogging about some deeply personal issues that I was aware most people would simply either not understand or view in a very negative way. I have to say I was a bit surprised by the reaction to some degree. Those who truly cared were supportive whether they understood it or not and those who weren't simply didn't say a word. I guess you could say not one person stepped to the plate to make it a bad thing, they just let me live without bothering me...

I went from taking Gender identity disorder as a shameful, guilty thing that I was destined to run from and hide for my entire life to talking about it. I'm happy to say that I've closed the circle of people smaller and smaller about those who know and we are getting down to the core group that will be brought into the loop next.

Overall for the first time in my life I'm feeling better about this issue and myself. My cousin always had a saying .. "It is what it is" and I guess I've learned that this is just that. I cannot control it but I cannot allow it to take control of me. I've grown by leaps and bounds this year and I thank everyone who supported me and showed me that life needs to be lived and not just survived.

The one person who never ceases to amaze me is my wife who has not only showed me love in this but showed me the better I become for it, the more in love she becomes with me. If there was ever a rock in my life to lean on then she was the one.

My daughter started coming back into my life this year which was an absolute joy for me. She had been the person I missed the most over the last few years. I'm sad in the fact that things turned sour again and the decisions she has made hurt our whole family. Regardless of those decisions we all love her dearly and hope she stays safe and well. Recently she delivered news to us that we viewed as less than happy. I feel bad in the sense that I want to support her but I'm having a hard time being supportive of something that I don't agree with. Recently she got upset with me because I wouldn't discuss it with her. I tried to explain that in the discussion one person will walk away hurt. If I tell her my true feelings then she gets hurt and if I lie I walk away hurt, I've chosen to simply not deal with it for now. I know it sounds like a cop out but it seems to be the only way to preserve myself for now.

I love my daughter with all my heart, I simply cannot be around the people she has chosen to spend her life with so in my world the most important people have to be Diane and I for now.

So many things have happened this year yet when we hit the end of the year it almost becomes a blur now. Some friends got married, Two bought houses, One got a Jackson endorsement. We added a new puppy to our home. I bought a mustang. The one thing that remains constant in the whole thing is that time marches on and it marched quickly this year.

So as I sit here in a quiet house pondering what changes I've made and what changes are coming in the upcoming year I tip my glass to all of my friends. I salute all of you and hope that all your dreams come true for the new year and most of all I thank you for being there for me in the past year. You all hold a special place in not only my heart but Diane's as well .....

Happy 2007 peoples

He's settling in just well ..

2006-12-22T19:47:00.000-05:00

Well we decided on his name it's RYDER! .. a variation on rider which is what we like to do on our Harley's ...He's getting along great with our Shepherd and she seems to be a lot happier with the youngin around to annoy her...

New Family member

2006-12-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

With all the changes in dynamics back and forth this year it had become noticible that our Shepherd was having seperation anxiety when we were leaving the house. We had always considered adopting a 2nd dog for her to have as a playmate as Shepherds are high energy dogs and our Moxie is no different.

Recently some friends of ours had a very good experience with a local rescue league. Dee and I we very opposed to starting from a puppy but it seemed as though all the stars aligned in that manner for us and Moxie.

This is the newest member of the Mayday household and he has yet to be named. At 8 weeks he had weighed 11 pounds so it is safe to assume he will be a good sized dog...

Who brought the cat???????

2006-11-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

oh well

2006-11-19T22:53:00.001-05:00

You Will Die at Age 85

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.

What Age Will You Die?

Family history

2006-11-05T19:49:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I decided it would be in my best interest to learn about the origins of my family for not only me but my daughter. I figured it would be nice to have so my daughter would be able to hand it down to her children and eventually grandchildren.

In my searches a few years ago I was using an online genealogy site when I came across a posting that struck me. It was from a pair of girls searching for their dad whom they had never met. It seems their mom have given them up for adoption when they were very young and their dad never knew of their existence.

The ad they had placed made mention of a circus trainer and an area that he may have spent time in. As I read the ad I slowly became shocked because part of my family history was unfolding before my eyes.

My Uncle Bill was an Elephant trainer for the Barnum and Baily circus and for the most part a gypsy. I believe he had gotten involved with the circus through an uncle of his or even a grandfather. What stuck me was that he never knew that his daughters even existed. The ad that I was reading were in fact long lost cousins searching for their family.

When I got in contact with them I figured i could help them locate their dad. No one in the family had heard from him in years and sadly my own father took his life in 1995 so I didn't have his knowledge t fall back on. I did the next best thing and contacted an Aunt I knew of but never met.

The mistake the girls were making was the fact that they were searching for a William Maynard which was My Uncles legal name. Having had a lot of shady past in my family I heard stories of the name being hidden for a period of time to keep my grandfather out of jail. My grandfather had taken on his mothers maiden name of Manigan and never told the children of their origins. It wasn't until my dad would get thrown out of the military and told to get his name fixed that the truth would come to light. My Uncle would never fix his last name to the correct surname..

When I knew exactly who I was looking for it was a matter of a few keystrokes to find out that my Uncle Bill had already past away in Garland (Hot Springs) Arkansas. The girls would never get to meet their dad unfortunately. My Uncle did have a son but that boy never knew what his true surname was so to this date he still uses the name Daniel Manigan... unaware he has cousins and even sisters from the Maynard surname...

I dropped out of doing the genealogy search for a while but in a quest of finding out my new found cousin continued on with the search and opened up a plethora of information regarding our family. Tonight as I was reading though my family tree and searching further for info I got a scope for where my family tree goes which is nothing short of amazing..

My family is among the oldest in this country starting with Thomas Minor (1608 - 1690) coming to this country and landing in Salem Ma on July 1629. He was one of the founding members of the First Church in this country. The old north church in Boston is the Second Church and was known as such. Apparently Thomas was one of the first settlers to start the puritan (Protestant) religion in this country.... not bad considering my true views on the church ....

It simply amazes me that my roots are so deep in this country and in New England in general. I guess you could say I am lucky enough to have had family that lived through every ounce of modern history this country has endured since its birth ..

Cool huh ...

Two Wolves

2006-11-03T06:13:00.000-05:00

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Hey how ya been

2006-11-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

Well it has most certainly been a while since I posted anything of substance. I had decided to step back because I needed to get out of the negative funk I had been in and just start to let life be. I've been told by numerous people I over think everything and I need to just be. Well that's something I have been trying to do more of and not get sucked in by any negative black holes.

So what's news?

Annah Moore's book came out this past week and showed up on my doorstep Monday evening. For those who aren't aware that may read this Annah is a cool friend of mine who kicks ass on the guitar. Annah has written a book with her experience about G.I.D, Transsexualism and Transition

I sat and read the book over the course of two evenings and I have to say I'm quite impressed with her insight. Her book is written in a well spoken and thought out manner. While we have had prior discussions about a lot of what ended up in her book, it amazes me how many parallels that anyone dealing with this seem to have. To sit and read another persons experience and be able to so closely and directly relate it to your own is nothing short of mind numbing.

If you are dealing with this issue or simply want to educate yourself please take it upon yourself to read this book. The more people that educate themselves the healthier this world becomes..

Knowledge is power...

You can find her book at http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-39523-6

I challenge people to open their minds and read it without prejudice

Next up,

I've been taking more and more steps to let people know what has been going on with me and the circle of people that know is slowly closing in now. For most this may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. This is the biggest step in releasing myself of all the years of guilt, frustration and self hatred. In every step I've made it has been refreshing and freeing. as difficult as this is to deal with it has made me feel more at ease not running for the first time in life.

This is it for now but it certainly beats complaining ..Hope ya'll are well and have a kick ass day

Back to reality

2006-10-29T10:03:00.001-05:00

Don't forget to set your clocks back today... time to hibernate for the winter ..

Fear, Frustration, Guilt and time to eat Crowe

2006-10-17T08:22:00.000-04:00

In a hastily made decision very early yesterday morning on very little sleep I yanked my blog down and sent out emails regarding the fact I was pulling it. I have had a few people come forward in the last 24 hours and kick me in the ass a bit so I'm going to get this out in the open ..

Chad, Todd and Diane~

Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.

Emily~

My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.

Annah~

Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..

I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.

At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,

During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.

When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.

Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.

It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.

So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..

The blogs purpose simply put..

Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..

I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..

In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.

"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.

I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~

Rain

2006-10-11T23:26:00.000-04:00

Nice cool rain tonight and the sound is sooo soothing. Nice way to clear the head and be at peace with your thoughts. Yesterdays entry may have seemed a bit cryptic or out in left field and who knows maybe from the outside looking in it was. Maybe a bit of insecurity from the inside makes it that.

Things are good, life is ok. I'm just learning to cope with it a bit differently. I've never been out of my element like this, some days are good ones, some days are rough ones, but at the end of the road at least I'm still here to weather the rough ones and take in the good ones.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not asking for permission or validation .. I'm just learning. Learning how to deal with a world that I'm looking at with wider eyes for the first time. When dealing with the G.I.D apparently it can be a common thing, it is the first time I've not sheltered the way I felt or view the world around me.

My way of dealing has always been to put my thoughts in writing, and my feelings into the guitar it is all good therapy.

My insecurity is what has been driving me lately. It's been making me more aware of not only my surroundings but people around me. It's made me feel like I'm constantly being watched and it isn't something I've been accustomed to dealing with through my life. At least I'm experiencing and learning from it... Before I was numb to it, now I'm just aware...

Tonight we went out to panera for a light dinner and just talked. For the first time my wife was able to put some things into perspective for me that were a little harder for me to view without being a bit blinded by my own thoughts and emotions. She made a lot of sense and the nice part was she understood where I was coming from and pointed to things that were good for me to see...

More back in the day remembering

2006-10-11T13:19:00.000-04:00

I always loved this picture. This was late in 1985 from the day my daughter was baptized. Yes baptized!! don't ask ... lol .. Everytime I see this picture it reminds me of how young we were when we started out. As young as we were and as tough as it was I still wouldn't change that part of my life. I think in a lot of respects it kept me on the planet for a little longer than I originally thought I'd be.. .

I look at this photo of my wife from then and photos now, I have to say she grew more and more beautiful with age.

I'm tired

2006-10-10T16:52:00.002-04:00

I'm tired.. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of living with this, I'm tired of fear and frustration, I'm tired of suddenly feel so insecure over everything, I'm tired of people who take but cannot give and I'm just plain tired of living tonight.

I try so hard to be open, giving and caring. Maybe I try too hard who knows. I try to be generous with my time, my ear, my compassion and my money. I constantly try to give but rarely ever get in return.

Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that check in and try and make sure I'm good. I appreciate those people more than I could ever express to them, albeit I try to make sure they know it.

I'm not sure when the turning point was for me I can't put my finger on the day or anything. I was always outgoing and confident even with my hidden secrets. But lately I'm insecure and I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm constantly beating myself up wondering what people think and caring too much about what they think. My skin has gotten thin.. thinner than it has been since I was a kid..

When I was young I was semi introverted, unsure of myself in this world and not extremely outgoing. As I got older music and bands changed that for me. I became a little more of an extrovert and I noticed that people were drawn to me.

Call it cocky or call it confidence, whatever you want, but I had that certain charisma that people seemed to be drawn towards. I was never a follower, I couldn't be. My wife knew it. she could never understand how no matter where we went someone would either know me or talk to me like they had known me their whole lives.. Is that being cocky? who knows

The confidence was a good way of not letting people in and it certainly helped keep me from being hurt by people. It helped hide the real me, it helped conceal my darkest fears and make them shielded from making me a vulnerable person

So how did I go from people being drawn to me to feeling as though I've been pushing them away?When did I lose that self confidence I had become so used too.

Tonight I'm certainly tired..... I'm tired of life..

in the day Circa 1986

2006-10-10T10:35:00.000-04:00

Lesson~ turn the lights on!

2006-10-06T11:35:00.000-04:00

Well, I was making my breafast this am getting ready for work. Ever since I started losing weight I make it a point to eat breakfast which was something I never used to do..

While at the stove doing my scrambled eggs Diane walked by me with a basket of clothes going towards the basement. I asked her what she was doing, it isn't normal in our house to be doing laundry at 5 am.. She said she needed her clothe for the gym tonight so she was going to do an early load..

Within a minute I heard a bang and a scream.. She fell on the stairs and hit the baseboard heater at the bottom near the floor. Looks like she may have broken her little toe. I flew down there and once she said she was ok my only reply was .. Why didn't you put the light on ... I got that blank stare again ....

Big stuff happenin

2006-10-05T20:25:00.000-04:00

Big news on the horizon and I don't want to drop the ball just yet and jinx anything. That's just a nice way of saying I don't wanna be embarassed if it falls through.. lol .. Diane and I are working on a new venture and it could mean financial security for a while if it pans out .. kind of exciting and scary all at once.... more to come!!

Um??????? Hamster neglect?

2006-10-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

POSTED: 7:40 am EDT October 2, 2006
UPDATED: 7:45 am EDT October 2, 2006

JANESVILLE, Wis. -- Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.

Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.

The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters.

The woman was already is facing charges of failing to provide shelter and food to a Great Dane removed from her home in August.

Changes

2006-10-01T22:25:00.000-04:00

Been a pretty busy weekend for Dee and me .. lol .. I made a rhyme!! .. We just got back from the White Mountains this am on an overnight trip as my oldest friend got married yesterday. When I say "oldest" friend that is to say that we have been friends for the better part of 35 years.

He had a nice ceremony at a little Inn nestled in the mountains of NH. The backdrop for his vows was an area overlooking a hill and a mountain range in the distance. While it was a quaint ceremony with only 13 of his closest relatives and friends it was definitely a memorable way to pledge his love to his new wife.

When I grew up in Lawrence Ma it was on a middle class American city street much like you see on any television show. My friend grew up on the opposite side of the street 4 houses up from mine in a lime green 2 family. I could never understand why his grandfather had a lime green house ... people do that stuff intentionally?

From the time we met we have shared more than a lifetime of memories from playing little league, family tragedies,celebrations, drinking parties and all around good fun. He was there when I got married, He watched my daughter grow and treated her as though she was his niece.

When she was 2 years old I worked a second shift job, he used to stop by my house once a week and watch my daughter just so Diane could drive down and bring chocolate chip cookies to my job for us to enjoy... true friendship at its best

Whenever I did work to my home he was always the first to volunteer, the last to leave and most of all the first to crack a beer when the job was done.

When he met the love of his life it was tough for a while giving up the friend that seemed to be a permanent fixture around my home. He was like the brother in law you could never get to go home but never minded if he stayed. But as things changed and his relationship bloomed you could see a new happiness in him that hadn't been there before as if all was suddenly right with the world.

As he took his new bride this weekend with my wife and I watching on with pride I have only one thought that comes to mind ...

When will he have kids that I can spoil because payback is a bitch ......

Here's to a happy life together B&P

Luv K&D

Hmm seems pretty on to me/ Thanks Em!

2006-09-23T12:30:00.000-04:00

You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Frivolous behaviors

2006-09-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

As I write these I will probably do a lot of jumping around within different time periods as memory brings these events back to my mind. As I've mentioned in a previous post my mom always had a knack for reasoning out bad behaviors to substantiate what she was doing was right..

"New Furniture"

When I was about 23 my mother had decided to replace her living room set. At that time I was working 2nd shift and living in the next city with my family. The distance between us served us well most of the time and created an environment that we could actually get along in. This doesn't mean that the way she handled herself was better IMO, I just didn't have to be around it.

Mom had settled on a living room set from a local dealer known as "Furniture world" and after picking what she wanted it was determined that it would be up to 6 weeks before she would take delivery. When the set finally arrived she was anything but happy.

Mom had pointed out to me that she didn't like the way the material was sitting on the cushions and had decided that this was poor workmanship and wanted it fixed. She got on the phone with the dealer and they made an appointment to send someone out.

When the serviceman came he didn't see much wrong with the set but to appease my mom he offered to steam the fabric so it would sit a little more smoothly . It was agreed this would probably take care of the issue she was unhappy with .... WRONG!

When she would become disgruntled she was always a determined one in getting what she wanted which meant fighting with the furniture store almost daily. The store feeling there was nothing wrong with the merchandise refused to do anything further. This obviously didn't sit well and she decided to even the score.

On a determined trip to the furniture store one day mom happened to trip on a display in the store, fell down, and destroyed a set of reading glasses in the process. What most people never knew was the fact that the fall was staged and a lawsuit was in the making!!

I've never agreed with it and was ashamed of her for doing it even to this day. I couldn't believe a person who raised me explaining how much she hated liars was just as bad as the lessons she taught.

In the end the store settled out of court for thousands of dollars in court fees, lawyers fees, lost wages,medical bills, pain and suffering and most of all ..1 set of broken reading glasses. Mom got her money in such a proud manner, she had beat the furniture store after they "screwed" her over on a living room set ...

Funny how people can justify doing bad things just so they can look themselves in the mirror. I've never told anyone outside my family and closest friends of that story, but to this day I am bothered that she did it....

Stupid people

2006-09-20T09:05:00.000-04:00

Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Him Back
Email this StorySep 20, 7:41 AM (ET)

(AP) Gu Gu, a six-year-old panda, eats near the entrance to its enclosure at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept....Full Image
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BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.

(AP) A young girl lies down beside a sleeping panda, behind a window at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept. 20,...Full Image"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."

Sooo

2006-09-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

Well I've been thinking about it over the last few days and I figure I have a few good blogs in me so I might as well say my peace.. What I am about to discuss is a deep core issue with me but very unrelated to my G.I.D.. I am proud to say that given the story of my life I have been lucky enough to not only turn out very well considering, I am lucky to have people in my life that care enough for me to keep going..

Mom...

My mom is for the most part a good person who seems to be taken over by moments of poor choices. She will always substantiate her poor behavior or lapses of good judgement with reasoning as to why what she did was alright.

My mother was born in 1936 and was the youngest of 3 children two whom have already past on. My mom and my dad lived on the second floor of my grandparents home and that's essentially where I was raised. While I could get into the circumstances of their separation I will save that for a spotlight blog on the old man.. For now lets concentrate on devil woman... LOL

Now before you go off thinking I'm a jerk for that let me first add this disclaimer. No matter what has gone on between my mom and I, or the poor treatment I've received deep down I love my mom. Unfortunately for our relationship this usually means I am on the end of some kind of abuse.

My mom was never a drinker, did drugs or really got in much trouble. She didn't sleep around and after my dad left other than 2 serious relationships there was never a strange man in our home. I think that may have been part of her problem.

In my mothers quest to make me a responsible adult it was her desire to make me a man one way or the other. To make anyone reading this understand this mentality, my mom made it a point to tell me as a young child and through my teen years that if i got picked on or got pushed around and I didn't fight then she would beat the shit double out of me when I got home.

This was all well and good for someone not only dealing with G.I.D from a very young age but who never had the build of a fighter. I've always been smaller than my peers and never really had the stomach for it. Not that I never fought as a kid, there were times I would have no choice but it was something that to this day I despised. I took quite a few beatings over this.

I never understood her behaviour as a kid, I just assumed this was normal living. There were times as a kid a beating or verbal abuse could be justified by her at the drop of a hat. Not cleaning my room or getting poor grades would always be decent reasons.

Emotionally I lived my life having my mom hating my father for leaving. He left when I was 2 for the west coast and it would be 15 years before I would see him again. Growing up my mom would constantly berate my father to me, tell me how much of a bad person he was or how he was lazy and good for nothing.

When she would get mad mom would never hesitate to tell me how I was just like my father. Sitting here today I guess she would never understand the impact of that when she did it, but I lived my life thinking I was doomed to be a horrible person. I would later learn in life that it was the things I hated in my dad that would force me to do better in my own life, or at least try.

By the time my teenage years rolled around I was not only dealing with my own emotional issue but dealing with someone who was the person I should have been able to ask for help and instead I lived in fear because of the hatred she had for those types of issues.

Mom decided in my last year of junior high that she was better suited to work the night shift and this meant sleep all morning up all night. Other than weekend afternoons and the occasional vacation I didn't get to see my mom unless it was time to get my ass kicked ..

She never understood why I became emotionally unattached from her at at one point even mentioned to my wife that I had changes as a teen and became colder towards her. I spend the better part of 25 years trying to make my mom proud but at every turn it would inevitably fail..

So let me ask you, how do you confide in someone a deep dark issue under those circumstances..

Lots more to come.....

Reevalutation and Shuffling the deck

2006-09-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

I've been stuck in a bit of a fog this afternoon not feeling very well and doing a lot of thinking over different things. We as human beings are constantly evaluating where we are and where we are going. We tend to do this at major intervals within our lives. Birth of children, Death of relatives, Major birthdays and graduations.

Recently in my quest to rid myself of years of pent up guilt and frustration I've been in the middle of just that, reevaluation.

If you were to be able to get into my mind before you would know that I was a pretty caring individual and always ready to help out. The flip side to this was the fact that I was always very blunt about things and at times I could be an ass to people. I would pride myself on the fact that no matter what you thought of me you knew where you stood with me.

In my elimination of guilt and working on myself over the last year or so I've learned to feel a bit better about myself and tried to rid myself of that jerk I could become. One would think that kind of turn around is a good thing and I would tend to agree. Lately I've been thinking that in becoming more open I've tended to overshoot my way of thinking and I've possibly become too open with people.

I used to be a very private person for obvious reasons and would rarely let people get past the shell for fear of what they could learn. Recently I've been very much the opposite and while it has made me feel better about myself, it could be too much for other people. Is there a point of being too caring or to quick to share? Is there a point that being nice becomes a bit too much?

I'm beginning to think I need to step back a bit and just let people breathe around me, but hey ..What do I know ... evaluations suck because reality always sets in ..

Sept 15th 1995

2006-09-15T07:34:00.000-04:00

It was 16 years ago @ 6:30 pm I married my wife Diane. I have never regretted that decision once in the whole time we have been together. We aren't a typical married couple or at least not the same as others around us that we both know.

Diane has always been my best friend in the deepest sense of the word. She has never judged me in my weakness, never laughed at my darkest secrets, stood behind me through a lot of bad times and most of all celebrated a lot of good times with me.

When I say we aren't the typical married couple we simply do not fit into what the conventional married stereo type is all about. We both love spending our time together and love being together. While we have occasions where we go do our own things most of the time we spend hanging around each other. When a weekend is in sight it usually isn't the typical Sat I'm taking off with my friends routine, it is what would you like to do this weekend. I'd never trade that for anything in this world ..

When Diane and I got married we had a small wedding or at least smaller than most, it was about 80 people. Our first song that we danced to was "Forever" by Kiss as we were both 80's kids. Our honeymoon was spent in Niagara Falls NY and the rest follow to where we are today.

People who know me probably know I have a very wide love of music. It transcends all different types of music from Heavy Metal to Country. Recently on a drive a song came on that was on a local country station called "Good morning Beautiful"

"Good morning beautiful, how was your night"
"Mine was wonderful with you by my side"
"When I open my eye and see your sweet face"
"It's a good morning beautiful day"

Cheesy? Maybe but I've told Diane I think of her every time I hear it and these days it is the song I associate with her. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be with but most of all I couldn't ask for a better friend so here's my salute to my loving wife ...

"Here's to another 16 babe, you are my world"

Luv ~Me~

Impersonal Electronic Connections

2006-09-13T09:07:00.000-04:00

I.E.C~

Email, Internet forums, Instant messaging,Online Gaming,Online Shopping, Internet dating, Ebay, Online Classifieds etc etc etc etc etc ..the list goes on. Where we have come as a race is pretty amazing in terms of communication within the structures of everyday life. It still boggles my mind that I can write a letter and in seconds (unless the Internet is asleep) it is in whomever mailbox waiting to be digested. At any rate the technology is an awesome tool to have at our disposal.

The problem that we have is the lack of personal interaction and this causes the brain to forget the human being on the other end of the communication. People are cool and people suck severely at times. The fact is that we are all different and we won''t always like each other. What we should be able to do is to respect each other.

All too often on Internet message boards for instance people post things that they wouldn't normally say face to face with people and these lead to what Sully coined "GIF" Gay internet fighting. I've often found that those people that could easily have nasty interaction with me on a message board acted much different in person.

So if we can respect each other face to face why is it so hard to apply those same principles to online interactions? In some sense it becomes similar to all the violence on the television and how we have become desensitized to some forms of violence and gore. I think interpersonal relationship over the Internet can end up being much the same way.

It is easy to tell someone to fuck off... sit in a bar and buy them a drink and listen to their life experiences and you may learn more than you did behind the pc ..I've been guilty at times of the same behaviour and caught myself in the process. I'm no angel and I never profess to be...I'm a flawed human being just as anyone else.. I've learned to see more value in people than just an Internet post over the last year...

Have a difference of opinion? Before you hit the enter button and send that email or post on a board let it sit for a while and when ya cool off read it again. Ask yourself if it is really worth ruining your day or someone else's ...or the best solution is too pick up the phone and talk ..you might find out that it was misinterpreted or it is just harder to act like an ass when it becomes personal and you see there are actually human beings there instead of just text ..

At any rate maybe someday I.E.C will be a Wikipedia definition .. ROTF!

~K~

Nuts in NH AGAIN!!

2006-09-12T09:07:00.000-04:00

Geez this is twice this week my town made the news for stupid people. I'm all for the right to bear arms, I own my own gun and I've always cherished the way NH viewed those rights but it is people like this that make it rough for the law abiding citizen to keep his rights protected ..

For the record this is the Walmart my wife and I shop at and I believe we were in the store on this particular day, I just do not know if this happened anywhere near that time ..

TheBostonChannel.com
Related To Story

Video: Man's Pistol Fires In Wal-Mart Restroom

Man's Gun Fires As He Uses Wal-Mart Restroom
Teenager In Next Stall Scared By Gunfire

POSTED: 12:48 pm EDT September 8, 2006

HUDSON, N.H. -- What do you do with the gun in your pants when you go to the john?

Police in Hudson, N.H., have charged Charles Masterson, 36, with felony reckless conduct after his pistol went off in a Wal-Mart restroom. Masterson said he was pointing his Glock semiautomatic toward the ceiling, just as he had been taught was the safest thing to do when a gun wasn't being used. The precaution backfired when the gun discharged Tuesday night while Masterson was in the bathroom.

Police said the gunshot scared the wits out of a teenage Wal-Mart employee in the next stall. The young Wal-Mart worker told police Masterson put the gun back in his pants and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. Wal-Mart employees called police.

Police charged him for putting the teenage employee in danger. Masterson's 13-year-old son also was in the bathroom.

He was jailed overnight but released Wednesday after a court appearance.
Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Remembering 9-11

2006-09-11T06:38:00.001-04:00

I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar. Everyone remembers the pictures, but I think more and more about the sounds. I always ask people what they heard that day in New York. We've all seen the film and videotape, but the sound equipment of television crews didn't always catch what people have described as the deep metallic roar.

The other night on TV there was a documentary on the Ironworkers of New York's Local 40, whose members ran to the site when the towers fell. They pitched in on rescue, then stayed for eight months to deconstruct a skyscraper some of them had helped build 35 years before. An ironworker named Jim Gaffney said, "My partner kept telling me the buildings are coming down and I'm saying 'no way.' Then we heard that noise that I will never forget. It was like a creaking and then the next thing you felt the ground rumbling."Rudy Giuliani said it was like an earthquake.

The actor Jim Caviezel saw the second plane hit the towers on television and what he heard shook him: "A weird, guttural discordant sound," he called it, a sound exactly like lightning. He knew because earlier that year he'd been hit. My son, then a teenager in a high school across the river from the towers, heard the first plane go in at 8:45 a.m. It sounded, he said, like a heavy truck going hard over a big street grate.I think too about the sounds that came from within the buildings and within the planes--the phone calls and messages left on answering machines, all the last things said to whoever was home and picked up the phone. They awe me, those messages.Something terrible had happened. Life was reduced to its essentials. Time was short. People said what counted, what mattered.

It has been noted that there is no record of anyone calling to say, "I never liked you," or, "You hurt my feelings." No one negotiated past grievances or said, "Vote for Smith." Amazingly --or not--there is no record of anyone damning the terrorists or saying "I hate them."No one said anything unneeded, extraneous or small. Crisis is a great editor. When you read the transcripts that have been released over the years it's all so clear.Flight 93 flight attendant Ceecee Lyles, 33 years old, in an answering-machine message to her husband: "Please tell my children that I love them very much. I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could see your face again.

"Thirty-one-year-old Melissa Harrington, a California-based trade consultant at a meeting in the towers, called her father to say she loved him. Minutes later she left a message on the answering machine as her new husband slept in their San Francisco home. "Sean, it's me, she said. "I just wanted to let you know I love you."

Capt. Walter Hynes of the New York Fire Department's Ladder 13 dialed home that morning as his rig left the firehouse at 85th Street and Lexington Avenue. He was on his way downtown, he said in his message, and things were bad. "I don't know if we'll make it out. I want to tell you that I love you and I love the kids."

Firemen don't become firemen because they're pessimists. Imagine being a guy who feels in his gut he's going to his death, and he calls on the way to say goodbye and make things clear. His widow later told the Associated Press she'd played his message hundreds of times and made copies for their kids. "He was thinking about us in those final moments."

Elizabeth Rivas saw it that way too. When her husband left for the World Trade Center that morning, she went to a laundromat, where she heard the news. She couldn't reach him by cell and rushed home. He'd called at 9:02 and reached her daughter. The child reported, "He say, mommy, he say he love you no matter what happens, he loves you." He never called again. Mrs. Rivas later said, "He tried to call me. He called me."

There was the amazing acceptance. I spoke this week with a medical doctor who told me she'd seen many people die, and many "with grace and acceptance." The people on the planes didn't have time to accept, to reflect, to think through; and yet so many showed the kind of grace you see in a hospice.

Peter Hanson, a passenger on United Airlines Flight 175 called his father. "I think they intend to go to Chicago or someplace and fly into a building," he said. "Don't worry, Dad--if it happens, it will be very fast." On the same flight, Brian Sweeney called his wife, got the answering machine, and told her they'd been hijacked. "Hopefully I'll talk to you again, but if not, have a good life. I know I'll see you again some day."

There was Tom Burnett's famous call from United Flight 93. "We're all going to die, but three of us are going to do something," he told his wife, Deena. "I love you, honey."These were people saying, essentially, In spite of my imminent death, my thoughts are on you, and on love. I asked a psychiatrist the other day for his thoughts, and he said the people on the planes and in the towers were "accepting the inevitable" and taking care of "unfinished business." "At death's door people pass on a responsibility--'Tell Billy I never stopped loving him and forgave him long ago.' 'Take care of Mom.' 'Pray for me, Father. Pray for me, I haven't been very good.' " They address what needs doing.

This reminded me of that moment when Todd Beamer of United 93 wound up praying on the phone with a woman he'd never met before, a Verizon Airfone supervisor named Lisa Jefferson. She said later that his tone was calm. It seemed as if they were "old friends," she later wrote. They said the Lord's Prayer together. Then he said "Let's roll."I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar.

This is what I get from the last messages. People are often stronger than they know, bigger, more gallant than they'd guess. And this: We're all lucky to be here today and able to say what deserves saying, and if you say it a lot, it won't make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed.I think the sound of the last messages, of what was said, will live as long in human history, and contain within it as much of human history, as any old metallic roar. by,Peggy Noonan

OMG I had no idea it was getting that popular

2006-09-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

Sullyville is on fire!

2006-09-09T08:21:00.000-04:00

While it is a few hours early (They official knock it out @ 6:30pm) Diane and I would like to extend our hearty congrats and well wishes to the new Mr and Mrs Sullivan today. It's great to see you two commiting yourselves to each other, you make a truley awesome couple!!

Good luck Sarah and Jon!!

K&D

Blogger Beta

2006-09-07T20:20:00.000-04:00

I've moved the blog over the the google beta version but apparently there is some bugs in it now. According to the FAQ the only way bloggers who haven't moved over to log comments is to do anonymous comments.. go figure

So anyway

2006-09-06T18:51:00.000-04:00

Well I guess that mirrors post sudenly takes on a new meaning huh? Funny enough a lot of my blogs have been laced with aspects of what I've been dealing with but the thing about writing is that it is just like a song, it can take on many interpretations based on the reader/listener wants to adhere it too.

When I started this blog it was as a joke in response to my pal Sullys blog. It was at Jons advice that I kept up with it. The funny part about it was that my blog and reading others actually had been a great outlet. Sort of a form of therapy if you will. It allowed me to learn about others and at times get my point of view across and hopefully enlighten someone else for a change. I would have never thought the outlet would be so significant for me.

After sitting back for the last few days and taking in what I had just done here I have to admit that I feel a whole lot better about myself. For a long time I dreaded the day that I had to deal with this issue, then I dreaded having to look other people in the eye and be worried of judgement, I've spent my life dreading being judged.

Now that my secret is out the fact whether anyone can laugh at me or judge has no bearing on my mood. I'm happy for the first time in my life of being purged of all the saved up guilt and worry that someone would find out. For the first time I can be judged on my own terms instead of those of a mistaken slip.. Life is good in this respect and I'm happy about it.

When I did this it wasn't for sympathy, poor me or for attention. It wasn't to cause problems for anyone close to me, it was simply to take control of my fears. Do things on my own terms and not allow this to dictate me any longer. In my life I've only ever had 2 real fears.. Heights and someone finding out about my "secret". Well it is no longer a secret an maybe eventually I kick my fear of heights someday too.

I've come a long way in a short year in dealing with this and I know full well i have a long road ahead of me. When I had my first appointment with a counselor all I could do was look at the floor out of fear,shame and embarassment, now a year later here I am...

So here's message for people..

Several people have stepped up to the plate to show me they care. Some don't understand it but are nice enough to say that the most important thing is my well being. To those people I want to say thanks I really appreciate the fact that you have taken that time to be accepting and concerned about me. You ARE true friends with very large hearts of gold and your posts and emails have been very touching, I simply couldn't ask for more..

Peace out

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)

Skeletons in the closet keep me awake at night

2006-09-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm approaching this blog with some trepidation as I am about to broach a very touchy subject with a lot of people. For the last few weeks I've sat back and watched as some friends have posted blogs that were very thought provoking and inspirational. It always amazes me these people walk the earth because those types of people are rare and by far better than the avg close minded individual.

Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.

As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.

Emthrax~ The Em Camp!

Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.

Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"

Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..

Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great

Fear

After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.

If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.

There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.

So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.

Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.

Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the closeminded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..

So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..

I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.

A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.

In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"

For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..

When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.

After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.

If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.

Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of closeminded people.

In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.

I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.

As Annah's website states

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3

I'm about to find out who my true friends are ..

Latah people

~K~

Mirrors

2006-08-29T09:23:00.000-04:00

Look in the mirror
what do you see
is the reflection in your eyes
what your mind intends it to be

Reads pretty simple but when thought about it can be a very complex statement. Physically when I look in the mirror I know what I can see but my mind doesn't tell me what others can actually see, or what is reality. For instance a few years ago I decided that I wasn't feeling well heathwise or emotionally and decided to take care of myself and move in healthier directions. I had reached my heaviest weight of just under 200 lbs and approaching the age of 40 that scared the hell out of me. I've lost a lot of family members due to heart issues.

When I decided to do something about it and eat better I finally got back to what should be considered a normal weight (at least for me) I'm 5'9" and 145 pounds now. Yeah yeah people will think that's a bit too thin but I've always had a very small frame so it really isn't for me. Most people in my family are short 5' to 5' 6" and they push 250/300 pounds. It was a natural tendancy for me to follow suit. I can honestly say in losing weight it made me physically feel much better.

When I look in the mirror now though I still do not see myself as a thin person. My wife and I had this conversation at a local mall recently because people who hadn't seen me in a while get blown away by the change. In the course of the conversation I asked her to point out how big she thought I was in another person and when she did I couldn't believe her, I still felt she was trying to be nice. When I pointed out what I viewed myself as in someone elses size and she just laughed... "no" she said "not even close!".. but still that mirrors reflection doesn't tell me the truth ..

That is such a basic level because it it something you can almost hold in your hand. When you discuss physical attributes the proof is right in front of your eyes and there should be no denying it. Correct?

Lets open the door to the basement now and take it to a deeper level. Is the emotional level that your reflection dictates to you what you expect of yourself? The harder question is more in the sense of how other people view you emotionally vs what you think they can see of you. This has become more of a deeper thing for me over the last year as I'm working to strip away the person that hides my true self. In essense I'm working to make myself happy and be the best peron I can be for not only my well being but that of others.

Recently my wife and I have had a rough stretch with our family. We are cool as we are strong enough to work through most issues and come out stronger for the experience in the end. In dealing with it I can't help but think about my interactions with a family member and how it differed from years gone by. I've definetly grown as a human being in the last year and I'm slowly becoming someone that I can be proud of (whether others can or not is for a different blog)

In extending myself recently it was the treatment that I got as a result that knocked my socks off. I don't feel I deserved to open myself up and get trashed in the manner I did, but it happened. When it was all said and done this person doesn't seem to think they did anything wrong and they consider themselves to be caring and loving. For the most part they really are most of the time but when it comes to certain issues they become selfish, cold and they don't see the true reflection looking at them in the mirror thus hurting those that love them in the long run.

So what do YOU see? Is it not only what you expect to see but think about whether or not it is what other people can see. Sometimes our own perceptions are skewed in what we want to beleive vs truth in advertising ... Expect to be the better person and hope you get the same in return, if you do then it is all gravy ..

Do you care?

2006-08-10T20:45:00.000-04:00

Just a thought .. Talk amongst yourselves

Roses,Thorns and broken hearts

2006-08-05T08:34:00.000-04:00

When you look at a rose you get drawn in by its beauty and what it symbolizes (Love,Friendship etc) The smoothness of the petals, the scent that is emits and the vibrant color all draw us in. Out of natural reaction we reach for the flower unaware of the thorns that hide below such beauty and in a lot of instances we get hurt.

It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...

Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.

2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.

I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.

My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.

The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.

On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..

In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.

My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.

I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.

Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..

When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..

What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.

My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...

I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.

I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....

Jess,

We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.

I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....

Good luck
Dad ..

people care?

2006-07-31T11:18:00.000-04:00

Ever feel used? I seem to have a knack for being the person everyone goes to when they need something. I truly am a giving person and do whatever I can to help out yet I always seem to come up with the short end of the stick. People have no issue with asking or even expecting things from me and I guess being a person who is usually willing to help it is only natural.

My problem seems to have arisen in the fact that after people get what they need from me they go along their merry way blind to my feelings or well being. It gets frustrating because all while I am being generous people live their lives being selfish.

Life was never about personal gain for me so I guess I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and just chalk it up to me being naïve. So what’s the deal with people? Is it truly human nature to just be takers all the time?

ipods and mustangs

2006-07-26T09:57:00.000-04:00

Man it has been a while huh? It must be due to the summer slow down or the fact that I’ve just not known what to write about lately even though things have been hectic. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that my blog has not been the only stagnant one, seems we are all in the same boat lately ..

Last week I broke down and bought an ipod adapter that interfaces into my car stereo so the stereo controls the ipod. It is really cool but there are bugs that need to be addressed with it. The adapter for whatever reason loses its connection memory and will not find the ipod after you shut the car off. The work around is to unplug the speed volume connector ..

Speed Volume is a function mainly for convertibles where the radio volume gets louder and softer with the speed of the car..this way wind and road noise do not over ride the radio. Seems like an easy enough temporary fix, hell I don’t have a convertible anyway so I unplugged it and it worked like a charm ..

Well ..so I thought .. Next day off to work I went and the ipod started up without issue, I put in my 8 hours for the day. Upon leaving work that way which was a typical mid 90s humidity soaked new england summer day I would get a bit of an eye opener ..

I jumped into a heat filled car started it up and whacked on my ac at full power, off I went …
When I looked down to set my eyes upon the dash board I got the shock .. Every gage light was on in my car, No dash lights were working, no internal directional lights, and worst of all ..no air conditioning .. Ever have a moment of panic? Well I certainly did and all I could think was " Oh crap I fried my computer"

When I got it home I should have just thought to pull the adapter out and see if it corrected itself .. but I set out on a mission hoping I had just blown a fuse or something,.. See I had the dash apart so many damn times I really didn’t feel like pulling it apart again .. When I finally did that it repaired the problem and I redid the ipod adapter 1 last time…. It works great and I can only assume the disconnected cable came in contact with something and caused the mishap ..

Todays lesson … a 2006 mustang dash comes apart rather quickly ….especially when you can do it in your sleep ..

Normal

2006-06-17T10:53:00.000-04:00

Before I go off on my usual tangent or rant I want to take a second to wish a lot of my friends well.

I really want to wish a happy fathers day to Sully,Annah,Keith and Tim. I hope you all get some quality time with those who have made this day yours..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And away we go!

I've had a lot of time to think over the last week about things and this one theme keeps popping up in my mind over and over again. What exactly is "normal" and how do we not only perceive that but achieve our own sense of it within ourselves.

When young boys are asked what they want to be when they grow up they often respond with being a fireman or a policeman and little girls with doctor or nurse, typical positive role models hopefully. When asked that question looking back on it maybe a good answer would have to just been "Normal"

So what is a sense of normalcy in our own lives vs those that society places on us within our given roles? I remember dealing with a range of emotional issues as a kid and not only feeling out of place in my world but also very abnormal. As a teenager being in an awkward place in life I had got myself to the point where I actually believed there was something deeply wrong with me mentality. This wasn't because I was learning disabled or weird, but more so because I didn't always feel like I belonged where I stood in relation to others in life.. I never felt intelligent even though later in life this would prove to be way off base..

I often sit and think about the human race, peoples perceptions and social advancements over the course of history. It is very apparent that human beings have evolved and grown more intelligent. We as a species have continually evolved to become not only what we are presently but much more advanced for generations to come. In this thinking I have always fallen back on 1 idea that I seem to get stuck on...

"The smarter and more advanced the human race becomes the more fucked up we become!!!"

We look at each other with specific labels, expectations and worst of all judgments. This isn't to say that society doesn't have its share of pariahs, but anything that is deemed different is always boxed and shipped out as a negative thing. The only way we as human beings can continue to evolve is to accept that there are no true boxes when it comes to the human brain.

Everything seems to be negated to black and white, right or wrong yet there is rarely ever a shade of grey when it comes to how we view other people. We are constrained by religion,politics and hatred by people who view difference as not only deviant but wrong.

One of the things in being involved with internet bulletin boards over the last 10 years or so is the richness in not only meeting and interacting with new people, but learning about the values in what makes everyone different.

Difference is not an abnormal thing and it is that individuality that helps each person shape their views and help the human race move forward by thinking outside of the proverbial box.

So why do we judge and allow people to be dictated to for simply being who they are?

Take the case of gay marriage for instance. While I can understand the control of marriage within religion defining a man and a woman specifically for the act of procreation it baffles me to think that it needs to over flow into civil life.

So why can't we extend the box to state that 2 human beings can not only love each other but share in each others lives such that all their possessions and rights are protected by law. I've always believed the constitution was setup in a manner to not infringe on the right of any minority yet we allow the religious right to not only dictate to our spiritual laws but our civil laws as well.. All because they what view as different they are allowed to label as wrong behaviour...

Do we look down on other cultures because they are different or do we fascinate ourselves by learning the richness of others who in fact contribute intellectually,spiritually and artistically to the foundations of the human race ...

I think it is about time we all learn to lose the hatred and just move forward together and worry about our own differences not those of others ...

Family time

2006-06-06T07:05:00.000-04:00

Well I haven't posted in a few days but I felt this was a fitting thing to share. Last night I got to spend some quality time with my daughter. This was time that was not only long overdue for the two of us, but time that we couldn't have shared 2 years ago.

It's tough growing apart from the people you love so I really got to enjoy being around her and embracing her time. I'm hoping we are able to steal more of those moments in there future because that short time last night meant the world to me ...

Well isn't this fitting ...

2006-06-03T21:34:00.000-04:00

You Are Samuel Adams

You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap.
You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour.
When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions.
You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

What's Your Beer Personality?

New days

2006-06-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

With my daughter being home and needing transportation to her job she has been borrowing my wife’s car. Normally I start work at 7am so I’d leave my house around 6:30 am but that’s changed a bit as Diane has been driving in with me and taking my car. Her hours are earlier than mine are so I’ve offset my work schedule to 6 am to 2:15pm so they coincide with hers.

I hate getting up at 5am for work, it is definitely a drain on me but I have to say the positive side of it has been that my work days fly by and I enjoy getting out earlier, especially now that the weather is getting nicer.

Diane had an appointment this am which meant I got to take my car but instead of going in late I find it much easier to maintain the 5am routine so that I’m not messing myself up by doing the old yo yo routine.

This morning was an awesome morning to say the least. As I got to see one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen in quite some time. I was actually bummed out that I didn’t have my camera with me to get a memory of it.

The sun was cresting on the horizon and there were some hazy clouds riding the line between the horizon and the sunrise cutting through ½ of the lower edge of the sun. The sun itself was a magnificent red color and it was so surreal it was almost postcard like.

It is mornings like this that have now started to become enjoyable times for me. In the past I would have gone about in my grumpy unhappy manner not paying ½ a mind to things but now the beauty of the morning is something I’m able to savor and enjoy, boy how times change.

Funny how I’d never noticed it in the manner I could today …

ok.. where are you stuck

2006-05-27T13:53:00.000-04:00

You scored as Heavy. You are 80s Heavy Metal, rock on!!

Heavy

65%

Thrash/Speed

60%

Death/Slam

48%

Nu-Metal

40%

Power Metal

38%

Prog Metal

35%

Black Metal

23%

What metal stereotype are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Night to day, Tomorrow and tonights

2006-05-26T09:29:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure when it actually happens but one day you look at your children and you finally see signs of maturity and an adult. Don't get me wrong, I still look at my daughter and see my little girl but our daily interactions have changed so much

I remember when she was young I so loved to be around her, watch her grow and most of all tease her. I don't know how she perceived being teased by me but the fact is that it was one of my ways of trying to show love. This was pretty much how I had grown up.

Case in point...

Jess had become interested in organized baseball so we signed her up for teeball. She did her first year and the second year I actually was lucky enough to be chosen to coach her team. Tee ball in our home town was anything but ..They never hit off of a tee back then ..We pitched a soft ball to them..

I grew up loving the sport of baseball, playing and watching the redsox so it was definetly nice to have an interest to share with her. We would go out in the yard an throw the ball around and I would always tease her ..

Jessica would wind up and toss me the ball and I would yell back ..YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL!! this would almost always illict the response "I DO NOT" in and almost upset voice. I don't remember when it changed but one day we went through our routine and the resonse was different ...

But Dad ..... I am a girl ...

I knew my daughter was growing ..She was actually reasoning with me over what I had said ..

Days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years it is just a part of life. As she turned into her teens that little girl that was the apple of my eye and slowly become an ememy of the republic.. And we spent the better part of her teenage years fighting with each other.

It wasn't always her fault, a lot of times it was due to my own struggles with life but it was anything but the relationship we once had.. The one I had really missed ...

Recently my daughter has moved back home due to personal issues. We have been able to have a lot of conversations and she is back to the person that I missed so much . Caring and fun to be around but most of all she is reasoning with life now and trying to make better decisions for herself. I'm proud of where she has grown in her life now and how we are able to have conversations that show love and respect again ..

I'm looking forward to watching her continue to mature, better herself and watch her grow into the woman and mother I know she is able to be. Most of all I look forward to the day where she is able to watch her children mature and be proud of not only them but what she has accomplished in life...

Can you say hypocrites ...

2006-05-25T06:32:00.000-04:00

Hmm ..Only the USA is expected to be free for the world ..

Mexico Jobs

B day has arrived

2006-05-21T10:37:00.000-04:00

Well here it is .. B-day our version of D-day I guess ..LOL ..

May 21st 1985 1:08 am a 19 inch 6 lb 8 oz baby girl came into our lives. Today, like all of us is a big milestone for her as she is officially an adult and able to do whatever she wishes (IE: Have an alcoholic beverage) While I'm sure she has probably done that many times illegally this is at least legitimate.

So our plan for today is to pick Jessica up and hopefully give her that tattoo she has always wanted. Yes beleive it or not mom and dad are buying her first tattoo. The idea was for both mother and daughter to get them together and have somewhat of a special memory left. After we leave the studio we are headed to the Texas Road House for an early dinner and a drink together...

We haven't had much time with our daughter over the last few years. She spent some time living in Florida and even now pretty much spends all her time with her B.F. At times it bothers us that we feel a bit forgotten but we try and understand she is spreading her wings. Needless to say Diane and I have been REALLY looking forward to having a few hours of her time today and have been dying for it to get here.... Hopefully it will be an awesome day ...

Happy Birthday Jess ...

Mom and Dad ..

Damp days

2006-05-14T12:13:00.000-04:00

Well today is mother's day and we are currently in our 2nd week of rain straight. The weatherman says it will slowly (VERY SLOW) start drying out this week but apparently it will remain shitty all week.

We went to do our grocery shopping this am like old people do on Sunday and a lot of the roads or washed over from the rivers,ponds,streams and marshes up here. There wasn't many ways to go without going through a mini river on the road. Apparently we have received 5" of rain in the last 24 hours with another 2-4 expected today ..I have to admit it's friggin nuts..

Jess called to take her mom to lunch and I'm sitting here listening to the rain and I'm going to transfer the Ratt behind the music to DVD in a sec. That show touched a lot of people from the JCF this week because of the Jackson/Charvel ties to the band but mainly due to "The King" Robbin Crosby. I have to admit after I watched it it stirred some pretty deep emotion ..

To say it has been a good weekend would be a load of BS but it hasn't been a bad one either. We had some family issues that affected us and some personal issues for me popped up. It isn't normally something I would mention but a very good friend of mind stepped to the plate this weekend and showed me what true friendship is all about. I would take 1 friend like that over every aquaintence I've known in my life. I won't say in this writing what it is all about other than to say it is a very deep issue for me and my buddy showed a lot of concern for my well being and made sure I'd know he'd be there for me.. (Thanks dude)

Annah's first gig with her new band (http://www.ignitor.org) was last night and she has yet to post about how it went. Several of us are so stoked for her over this new chance that we are all very proud. .. Congrat's Annah..

Em's been picked to be a highlighted artist on unsigned mp3.com (http://www.mp3unsigned.com/) again someone we are all proud of and wish her myriads of success ... You go Em...Congrats

If you have read my journal entries about my daughter I sincerly appeciate it. It was a good purge to actually put it in writing and while I touched very deeply on the story I didn't add everything.. that's something I'm keeping for us ...

Hope your weekend is going well and your staying dry ..

Latah

Winding Roads V

2006-05-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

May 21st 1985 1:08 am Holy Family hospital 6lbs 8 oz 19 inches long and healthy ..

After casting my eyes into the chamber the held my daughter I had gotten a request from the nurse to go to my wife still in the delivery room. She seemed to be doing well and they were tending to the final stages of taking care of her from the delivery. The labor had gone so fast she didn't have time to remember anything and in fact had gotten an epi which never even had time to take effect.

By the time we had gotten her settled into her room it had gotten late, she was exhausted and needed some rest and I needed to tend to some things. I left the hospital that morning at 6am still uncertain about our future with the baby and on a mission. Against my wife's wishes I had gone to her job to let them know and make a phonecall to her mother and father. I vividly remember that morning my now mother in law answering the phone and I simply said Diane is at the hospital, you have a grand daughter and you have the right to go see them and I hung up the phone.

After tying up some loose ends, heading home for a shower and some quick shut eye that morning I headed back to Holy Family to see Diane and discuss some ulterior motives. When I got there my focus was on trying to get Diane to agree to take the baby instead of giving it up with the intent that if she refused I would attempt to invoke my parental right as the father and raise her myself.

We never got that far in the discussion for whatever reason that morning ...Diane easily agreed that we would try and build a family and do the best we could with the circumstances. We were definitely in this together. We started discussing what we would like our new daughter to be called and my 2 favorite Choices Were Jessica Ann or Melissa. Diane readily jumped on Jessica Ann Maynard and were now a family. The problem we hadn't planned for was the fact that the process of parental termination was already being taken care of by the State of Massachusetts in accordance with Dianes original request and what was tom come would be a nightmare.

In an odd twist in the room next door to us was my neighbor from my Moms house who had just had a baby of her own and apparently word spread quickly that baby Maynard was being put up for adoption. It was a long day that day and Dianes family did show up at the hospital, spent a bit of time with her and I did my best that day to avoid them at all costs. They didn't like me and I didn't look favorably on them back then so it was best for me to hang in the background. Later that night I bid Diane a good night and some friends took me out to celebrate the good news.

I'm not sure what time of the morning it was, but a call came from my Mom and she was not happy with me. She had finally heard we had a baby and through the next door neighbor heard the plans of it being put up for adoption. To say she was irate with me would be the understatement of the year but looking back on it now, no matter what the decision back then it was simply none of her business. I explained to her that Diane and I had decided to keep the baby and raise it.

She met me at the hospital the next morning to meet her new grandaughter and hold her for the first time. When we got upstairs I was not prepared for what was about to transpire. Because Diane had set the wheels in motion to surrender Jessica the Dept of Social services was there with the legal paperwork to take custody. I was brought into a room and told I needed to sign my parental rights away to which I refused. When I was asked why I was refusing I explained that we had decided to keep our child and that did not sit well with social services.

SS tried to discourage me from using my legal rights telling me I was not ready to handle a baby and I needed to do the best for the child. When the realized they were not getting any closer the tried a new route which was to ask for temporary custody. They tried to explain that if I signed over temporary custody it would give me time to get things in order at home to have a baby and I knew that if I signed anything ... I'd never see my daughter again ...

I’ve not always gotten on well with my Mom. She's been verbally and mentally abusive to me my whole life due to her own issues but that is another story for another time. It was what took place at that moment, that would not only floor me but is something I cannot ever take away from her. My mother stepped forward and offered to provide us with everything Jessica needed to come home, effective stopping DSS in their tracks.. And she did,

I've not always agreed with the things my mom did but that is one of the positive things that I can look back on with gratitude and pride.

DSS, would go on to make our lives miserable for the next 3 years. Every week there would be surprise visits supervised doctor’s appointments etc etc etc. They were like dealing with organized crime over 1 decision that I had the legal right to make.

I guess by now this writing is probably a bit transparent but I'll point it out anyway. May 21'st of this month will be my daughter Jessica's 21st birthday and it was a source of inspiration for detailing the way she came into this world. I haven't always been the best of fathers or parents but I've done everything I could out of love of my child to give her the best opportunity I was able. I've not always agreed with her choices and god knows we have had some horrible fights in our relationship but the one thing I can honestly say in the end is that I love my daughter with all my heart. She enriched my life and changed me in a direction that has probably saved my life many times..

Happy B'day Jess ...

Love Dad

Winding Roads IV

2006-05-09T09:01:00.000-04:00

By May of that year not much had changed with the decisions over the baby and Diane hadn’t seen her parents in close to 3 months. Being a new couple living together was certainly different for both of us and even more challenging without having a car to rely on.

The saving grace for us was the fact that while the neighborhood wasn’t the best place to be living it was quite centralized to the things we needed. . Within walking distance we all sorts of daily amenities from food and groceries to a Laundromat.

All best estimations from the doctor was to put the delivery of the baby into late June early July and without my knowing a whole lot a great deal of the arrangements had already been taken care of.

May 20th was a day pretty much like any other as we both set out to work and go about our daily routines but the funny thing would be this day wouldn’t be routine by any means. I know that sounds so cliché but it’s funny how true that would be. It was a normal busy workday nothing out of the ordinary by any means.

Later that night Diane had complained about having a slight backache at work and decided to go to bed a bit early. I think it was around 8-9pm if I remember correctly.

Close to midnight Diane had gotten some really serious back spasms and I got very concerned. I didn’t know what to do about, hell I was only 19 .. So I called my sister and while on the phone she heard Diane let out one obnoxious scream. I swear she didn’t miss a step and said I’ll be right over. I had no idea what was going on but apparently my sister did ..

When Tammy arrived she had told me we were taking Diane to the hospital and there was some concern in her voice but she never let on as to what it was. We had a bitch of a time getting Diane into the car as her pain was so bad she couldn’t easily bend.

By the time we hit the hospital everything was moving quickly. They came out put her in a wheelchair and started up towards the upper floor. The nurse that was helping told me I would have to go check her in and my sister was going to park her car. I remember saying to the nurse ,,well she isn’t due for a month so this must be false labor right? Um ..nope ..she is having the baby ..

Diane went one way and I went the other to check her in scared to death and wondering what was going on. I met up with my sister in the hall and headed up to the maternity ward and I was directed into a waiting room where a nurse would come speak with me.

Tammy helped calm me down and get me situated and needed to go call home to let her new husband know we were ok. She had no sooner walked out of the room when the most bizarre part of the story happened. A nurse walked into the room and asked if I would like to see my daughter. I remember looking around the room trying to see if there was someone else who I hadn’t noticed. It was only me ..

You’re Mr Maynard right? She asked and I nodded .. your daughter is her n the hallway if you would like to see her. To say it was a speedy delivery would most certainly be an understatement. We arrived at the Holy Family Hospital at just about midnight and the baby was born at 1:08 am on May 21st 1985. In a little more than an hour so much had taken place and I’ve heard most women have labors in the tens of hours..

The timeline had happened so quickly that I had not had time to do anything. Shortly after casting my eyes on my daughter I knew I had to try and do what was right ..I just didn’t know how …..

Winding Roads III

2006-05-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

By March we were getting settles into each others habits and routines and while it wasn’t the best of situations to be in at the age of 19, it was certainly new for the 2 of us. Looking back on it now seeing myself at that age I now understand just how young I really was in the grand plan of life.

Somewhere around the middle of March there was a knock at our door. When I questioned who was on the other end of the knock the answer was in a deep stern voice “Methuen Police”. Without hesitation I assumed it was a god friend of mine but when I opened the door I would not have been more wrong.

At this point let me say that I understand I shouldn’t have to defend myself and my character speaks volumes of who I am to those who know me. To date I have no police record, I have never been arrested or detained in any way shape or form. In 24 years I have a total of 2 moving violations and 2 warnings and those were back when I was a teenager. I have never done drugs or tried them…nope not even WEED ..

So suffice to say every time this has happened it leaves me bewildered how someone can so easily abuse the legal system as such. Mom always had a way to try an punish me emotionally and this would be no different. The police had the 2nd, (Yes 2nd) restraining order for me. I had one previously a year before when I got tossed out the first time and was living with my ½ sisters.

I’ve never placed a hand on my mom in anger and I have never ever threatened her. It’s not even on record, yet time and time again the state of Massachusetts goes on the word of the women. I can’t say I blame them but it was always without merit and done to fuck with my emotions ..no more no less. I had a police officer tell me later that they would rather give out 100 and be wrong 100 times than to no do it and be wrong. I certainly understand the logic but in today’s society a piece of paper does nothing to stop abuse and in most cases that become public.. murders ..

My relationship with my mom had always been one of control and fear by her. I can’t say I don’t love my mom because I’d be lying ..it is my mom after all. Things would come to light later in life that would make me understand a bit better albeit I still would agree or be happy about it. I grew up in a household of abuse but I never understood that or realized it until later in life. I’m now learning about the affects it has had on my life and how I’ve tried not to deal with personal problems.

My whole life has been a quest to have people around me I love but I’ve learned that it isn’t possible. At least not in my situation. I’ve dealt with abandonment from my Dad, Mom my ½ siblings etc etc. This had not only been an issue early on but it is something that I deal with today and has done incredible damage to be own well being and self worth at times. This was also a lesson I wanted to correct in being there for my unborn child but sadly I wasn’t being allowed to make that decision for myself which was a huge frustration to me.

Not many people are faced ahead of time wondering those questions that would plaque us later in life. What would my child be like at 18? Would they have a good life? Would they hate me for not fighting harder to keep them. For me the biggest thing was to defeat that fear of abandonment and have someone in my life who I could not only love and be responsible for but they would be my family unconditionally and give me a reason to go on.

I’ve tried my best to live a life of doing my best by others and for the most part I believe I have lived up to that as best as I could be. I’ve never done right by myself and the things I needed to do to be happier. I’ve recently had someone point out to me that I am a people pleaser and I guess that could be a true label .

I won’t say I’ve ever tried to commit suicide as I’ve never had the gun in my mouth but there have been a lot of times in my life where I’ve contemplated it and come close to making that more. The thing that keeps me is the fear of the unknown so I guess in that instance fear is a good thing. There were many times during those early days I felt I’d be better off but the desire to be there for my child was greater than any other negative that could have pushed me to that.

Inspiration

2006-05-07T16:30:00.000-04:00

Where do you find inspiration? Is it in the giggles of your children?The eyes of your lover? How about that song that gets your adrenalin pumping or could it be something as simple as a sunset.

I guess it doesn't matter exactly where we find it as long as we allow it it enrich us and strive to be better or simply helps us to enjoy the day with a smile.

I had a hard time with inspiration for so many years. That isn't to say that I was never inspired by anything, certain musicians influenced me to pick up the guitar but I couldn't find it in the simplest of things.

Over the last 6-9 months I've been on my own journey in life trying to find myself and work on the things that have been suppressing that inspiration. The nice thing is I'm slowly starting to see the beauty in each day and the people that matter the most to me, for the first time in my life I'm slowly finding consistent happiness. For me that has been a sporadic thing dependent upon how busy I kept my life and buried my inner feelings down deep.

I'm working who I need to be in life now, I guess when the children are gone our inner self needs to become the focus and that it has for me. I'm truly inspired by each day and thankful for what it is starting to bring me ...

When I wake up in the morning it could be the smile of my wife looking back at me or the sound of the birds. It can be the humor of the dog chasing the cat through the house or the Redsox game on my TV. The inner creator in me is beginning to feel that in my playing guitar again for the first time in years and it is a part of my life that I've deeply missed.

Everyday I get on the web and find inspiration and here's a few that stand out for me ..

My buddy Sully...

Even in the crappiest of times the thing that always rings true is his humor and his insatiable appetite for coining the latest JCF catch phrase.

Emily..

I admire your free spirited nature and your love of your family...

Annah..

Your drive and determination to be who you are and not allowing anyone to take that away, but most of all doing it in a manner you can Be proud of and make no apologies for..

Cat ..

The fact that no matter how hard you get kicked in the ass you are determined to beat it...

Smoking Chad "Chewbacca""Ash

Another humor driven individual but most of all someone who can see through all the Bullshit to the true meanings of things.

These are just a few observations and maybe they don't mean anything to anyone else. Maybe somebody will say ..fuck yeah and agree.. who knows that is the nice part of finding inspirations in things,, it is truly yours and only yours ..

Hope all of you are able to find your inspirations everyday.....

Winding Roads II

2006-05-04T11:15:00.000-04:00

I can’t honestly say being out on our own under those conditions was easy, but we always did the best we could. I grew up inner city middle class as a kid and Diane’s upbringing wasn’t much different. It was tough to grow up middle class and suddenly become poor…

We didn’t have a thing to our names, No car, furniture, towels, plates ..not a thing and worst of all we had no money to get the basics. We scraped by just to get the money for our first apartment that even the security deposit was a promise of payment.

I can’t say it was the best of situations looking back on it but the things we had going for us was the fact that we had each other and we didn’t have great home lives. I won’t discuss much of my upbringing in this writing other than to say that I still suffer the affects of it to this day.

The apartment we settled on was in a really poor section of our town and somewhere I wouldn’t feel safe walking around today. We had gotten ourselves a little 1 bedroom studio where the dining, kitchen and living room we pretty much 1 room. It wasn’t much as I stated but it was ours.

During that time I had made the assumption that Diane could be convinced to keep the baby but given the circumstance she knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent. She still had it set in her mind that the baby would be better suited to someone who could provide it with a more stabile life.

Diane was never much of a motherly type because of her own upbringing and her own bad experiences so it was a very natural decision for her to try and do the best for the baby as well as her own future. The one thing we were lucky in all the turmoil was some very dear friends of ours who very graciously helped set us up in our apartment with essentials, To this day those people hold a very special place in my heart for their generosity…

In her visits to the Doctor she had made the arrangements for the adoption process and for the state of Massachusetts to take custody upon birth. I remember nights during those months lying in bed next to her trying to convince her we were able to raise a child together but she was dead set in her decision.

The only person I had to turn too beyond a few friends was my ½ sister Tammy at that time. My dad had been married 3 times in his life and I was the product of his 2nd marriage and was raised as an only child. His 1st marriage yielded a total of 4 children before he had moved on to my mom. I can’t say we knew much about each other as we weren’t raised together but when I met my sister Tammy for a brief time we hit it off very well. Tammy was a few years older than I was and I was 17 when we finally got to know each other. She had been a mother at the age of 16 so she knew full well what I was dealing with.

We did the best we could with little support and no money ..there were days we had a hard time just being able to feed ourselves. Our only saving grace at that point was working for Burger King so we had some means of getting by however small that was….

Winding Roads

2006-05-03T12:21:00.000-04:00

What I am about to talk about is something that is very bare, at times painful but at the least truthful and heartfelt. It will be a tiny detail of somethings in my life or mainly someone who changed me if only for a sliver of time.

Back in 1983 after graduation from high school in June I met my wife Diane. She was a cute girl but certainly has been someone who has aged and gotten more beautiful with time. I can't say it was love at first site but she definetly had an affect on me. I remember the day we met as though it was just yesterday, in fact this whole blog will be about something that feels like just yesterday to me.

In a very rough point in my life and in between jobs as a 17 year old I took a very brief job working for Burger King. During my break that first day I was invited to sit down with a little blonde spitfire as she was enjoying her cigerette. I don't remember much about the conversation beyond realizing how cute I remembered she looked back then. It would not be until November of that year that we would start dating and ultimately become steady partners on my birthday Dec 24, 1983.

During those years I had some rough personal times with my relationship with my mom as well as my own inner demons and iced the cake with the fact that I went through a very lazy period of my life in those years.

My life basically consisted of Diane and guitars during that period, my life as I was either spending time with her or playing in my band. Diane was awesome all through that time in our lives as she knew what music and playing meant to me, she never once complained about the time and let me chase my dreams like all aspiring musicians do ..

By November of that year my grandmother had passed away, my mom and I were tolerating each other at best and well,.. Diane became pregnant! Diane was 19 and I was 18 at that point in our lives and I still remember the fear that came over me as everyday passed that the reality sank in that there were changes coming in our lives one way or another.

We did our best to hide it from our families as scared as we were and tried to be there for each other in those early days, the saving grace for us was that Diane never started to show until she was 7 months along and then it was a crazy begining to our lives.

My inlaws were insistant that Diane was going to give the baby up for adoption and get rid of me. I guess looking back on that now I can't say I blame them for it they only wanted the best for their daughter but at the same time I have had a hard time of letting go of the fact that my rights and feelings were never once taken into consideration back then

When I learned Diane was with child I reflected on my own life and the fact that my dad had never been there for me, he never once showed he cared. Robert Maynard had left for California when I was 2 for a new life and to start a new family.. This would affect me profoundly not only during my life but especially during those days.

Knowing what it was like to not have a father in my life I vowed that even at the ripe old age of 19 there was no way I would ever walk in my dads footsteps. I would most certainly do what I needed to do out of responsibilty.

Somewhere around Feb of 1985 things were very chaotic in our lives. Diane had been convinced the baby was to be put up and my home life with my mom had hit a new low. I found myself out in the cold homeless, no job and a lot on my mind. I think the only thing that kept me going in those days was the love that I got from Diane..

Diane and I had agreed that with me being homeless that the best thing we could do for not only me but each other was to find an apartment and start our lives together. Dianes home life hadn't been much better as her parents had become very anti Kevin. I can't give a precise date that it happened but I can say it was a Thursday night, her family was away at a play for her sister and we cleaned out all of her belongings for our move....

It may have not been the best way to start our lives together but we were determined to be independent and each others rocks. The only thing Diane left behind that night was a note to her parents that simply read ..

Mom and Dad I've moved out and please do not attempt to contact me anymore.....

Being a parent now and dealing with what I have from my own daughter for the past few years I can only say I now understand the heartbreak that it must have given her parents that night. I've spent my own sorrow over the departure of my daughter from my life now and it was one of the worst moments my life could have been dealt ....

More to come .....

A day without immigrants

2006-05-02T20:41:00.000-04:00

Well the rally came and went and I would have to assume it was all relative to where you are in the good ole US of A as to whether or not you were affected by the work stoppage. Here in New Hampshire I didn't notice any changes, nothing closed, the world kept turning... ho hum .

I certainly hope you guys accomplished what you wanted because all in all it appears the only thing you have done was pushed the legal citizens further in the opposite direction. My favorite saying as of late has been the old "more flies with honey" analogy.. I guess that would apply here too huh .. I mean it is easier to sympathize with someone who asks nicely and earns something than it is to someone who demands it ...

How do we raise our kids? Do we teach them that the temper tantrum in the store gets them the candy or the toy they were trying so hard to extort from us? Or do we teach them that hard work and perseverance go a long way in this life.... I guess this newfound attitude teaches our children an awesome lesson ..if someone doesn't want to give you something just boycott!!

I read recently the reason these people are here is to do the jobs that American workers refuse to do. Is it that Americans refuse to do them or is it just that in chasing the American dream they just can't afford to live on what business is willing to pay an illegal to do the same job. What is the poverty level in this country?T he poverty level in this country for a family of 4 is approx $20,000 a year can you afford to live a healthy life on that kind of money?

What we end up with is a viscous circle that feeds the issue of Illegal immigrants in the USA/ A good start to the problem is to force business to either require all workers to be here legally on a work visa, green card etc or force those businesses to comply with an immigrant tax that would fund the loss of revenue caused by these people.

Thinking there is no harm to being here illegally is absolute bullshit to put it mildly. Everyday millions of Americans are bound to social laws and any infraction against said laws requires some form of retribution. Why is it that we as legal Americans are held accountable while someone who is here breaking our countries laws is held in higher regard. What possible damage could being here illegally possibly do?

It taxes our school systems, health care, human services. It drive wages down so that certain types of jobs are unable to compete with the poverty level. A good amount of that non taxed income is sent to their own mother countries to support families left behind. I heard a figure quoted on Bazillion immigrants sending money home and the dollar amount given was $750 million .... hear that MILLION! that is money that will never be put back into OUR own economy. That is just the damage done by 1 specific race of people.. I can't begin to imagine what the total loss of revenues are...

There are good reasons for laws such as immigration and naturalization and I only wish they were applied evenly and fairly so not only new people coming to our country can get a fair shake but we as American Natural Citizens get a fair shake..

Anyway we have removed one day from the calender .. next up is Cinco DeMayo... Margaritas anyone?

I'm out for now...

Should liberty and freedom be a guaranteed right?

2006-04-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been a bit trying for me and that of my moral beliefs. At every turn in the media I am being bombarded with news of how much our country sucks because of foreign policy and yet, all the foreigners was automatic citizenship.

I firmly believe we all have the right to be equal and free being able to pursue a better life but now I have to ask at what cost?

Monday will mark a cornerstone point in our nation where all illegal immigrants are encouraged to ditch work and rally to grind the nation to a halt. I have to ask the simple question.. If you want to be American so badly then why try and do something to destroy its economy for a day. Wouldn't it simply be better to peacefully assemble over a weekend or a holiday and show some pride in the USA?

I've seen people rally with the Mexican flag flying over an upsidedown AMERICAN flag. I've heard our Star Spangled Banner has been rewritten and recorded in Spanish with dnewer lyrics. All of these things point to a group of people trying to divide a current nation and start a new one and that is not the american way..

My heart bleeds for all immigrants who came for a better life and worked their asses off to become American the right way. They worked, learned English and learned the HISTORY of how we became such a great nation..

Freedom is not a sense of entiltement as we see before us today but something to be earned, worked to preserve and most of all cherished. I have grown up a citizen of this country from birthright as my ancestors have since the early 1600's so I feel I've earned my right as an American to be pissed off about this.

I challenge any person to walk into a neighbors home sit down and start making demands of your host. Illegals are no different here..You have broken into our home and decided to make demands you have no right to and have not done anything to earn .. least of all our respect.

There is a reason they are called Illegal Aliens. Because they came here Illegal and broke the current laws of immigration. They took jobs and didn't pay one once of tax they everyone of our LEGAL citizens pay. They want free healthcare, education and social benefits which are all things my family and I have worked for generations to support...and they demand it .. now they say theword Illegal immigrant is racist. ... Since when ....

I have a great idea ..instant citizenship to any immigrant who joins our military and proves to us that they want to be here and are willing to sacrifice for the american dream. The way it currently stands I can assure you that if we went to conflict with any one of these peoples countries they would not stand up for the usa ..they would fight for their own soil ...

My mother in law is of British national origin and to this day remains that way. She came to our country on a work visa and ended up getting married. The one difference I see in her as an alien of our nation is that she cherishes what we have and she respects it. To this day when our national anthem plays she stands and faces the flag with pride... She doesn't demand we play god save the queen .. That is what respect and love of our country is all about....

Sorry for the rant..but I'm tired of being taken advantage of ...

It's Friday

2006-04-21T14:07:00.000-04:00

Nough said!

Blogging

2006-04-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

In all my travels across the net one of my favorite past times has certainly become reading peoples blogs. It has opened up a new medium into learning things about people who we would not normally have access too. It has allowed me to meet people with similar interests,passions and stories as mine. It has helped open up my eyes to more diverse views than my own and created some great friendships.

Blogging is in no way a good means to hide out from the rest of the world but it certainly makes it easier to vent your frustrations at the world in a non-violent way. In some instances it has become a warning sign for those who DO have violent tendencies and unfortunately for society, not always caught in time .. For instance recently a young man killed and mutilated a young girl with the intent of cannibalizing her.

Think about how many times we see neighbors, friends or co-workers on the evening news in shock stating that they would have never imagined he could do something like this. In the case of Bruce Schwartz all the signs were there.. Right in his blog!! Yet he still fell between the cracks and a young girl paid dearly for it with her life. In Boston recently a man committed suicide on a bus as the police approached to arrest him on suspicion of murder. Seems he combed the internet looking for sex offenders to kill and did so before taking his own life all by using the sex offender registry to target his victims. While I have no remorse for the sex offender I do have to admit it is a shame when something designed to keep us informed is used in such a poor manner .. Why? It affects all the people who really need to know that information ...

In the case of my blog I usually use it to be creative or vent but in a lot of cases I keep the real personal stuff to myself. Not because it is bad or could get me in trouble but like all human beings I have my fair share of scars to bear and I guess I have my own fears of how others could perceive me. In fact my own daughter reads this blog so where do you draw the line on personal thoughts and saying things that could possibly hurt others. So you walk a fine line and blog about the things that matter a little less or maybe just annoy us all while keeping the harder stuff to ourselves... In essence I am only emotionally naked to a very very short list of people...

When I visit my peers sites I most certainly see everything from creativity to venting about everyday issues. I'd love to let them all know that I admire them tremendously for allowing their personalities to shine through with little obstruction. In doing so I've learned more and more that in the end we all bleed red, we all want to be loved, give love and just be the best we can ...................

Kev

Guitars, Music and Me

2006-04-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

People who know me are aware I play guitar and run an online BB fan site for them. What they probably do not know is the history of what got me to where I am (Not that there is much to tell)

My earliest memories of getting interested in pop music was around 1972 or so and mostly by A.M. radio. I remember hits like"Billy don't be a hero" Cats in the Cradle" when they were new music. It was around this time I actually bought my first cassette tape and probably what I consider to be my earliest influence into being musically driven. That artist was Jim Croce and I got it because of the song "Bad bad Leroy Brown". I must have been around 7 years of age at the time but his music even to this day really sticks with me.

In 1975 around the age of 9 my mother decided that "WE" were going to take organ lessons. I took to the keyboards with relative ease and I guess to some extent enjoyed it but it would become the foundation for my love of music and the desire to play. By 1976 I was getting pretty good at the keys and would get chosen to do public recitals for the store that we got our lessons from.. I loved the idea of playing in front of people even at that age...

At the age of 10 it is tough to get a child to do anything and I supposed to some extent I was no different. My mom would regularly have to push me to get my practice time in and I've since come to learn that if it needs to be pushed then it isn't enjoyed. Mom had started taking to secretly taping my practice time and playing it back to show me what needed to be improved upon ..it was this act that would push me clear of music for the next yr and a half....

Late in Oct 1976 a friend and I were hanging at my house watching a show on TV called the Paul Lynde Special and it wouldn't become apparent how much of an affect that show would have on me for quite some time. The show was based around a holiday Halloween special and had various skits and characters from other shows but the one thing that kicked my ass that night was my introduction to Rock and Roll.

Kiss debuted live on that show that evening in support of the Destroyer album, I was immediately blown away by the intensity of the music and the visual aspects of the band. While it wasn't right away this influenced me in a musical sense it certainly started me off as a fan. By 1977/78 Kiss had released Alive 2 and it was that album that finally pulled me into the guitar world. For Christmas that year I received my "Memphis" Strat and an Amp, I was well on my way!!

Dealing with keyboard lessons for close to 2 years gave me an idea of what I was in for or at least so I thought in taking guitar lessons. The thing I had not counted on was having to build up callouses and the pain endured learning to play. For whatever reason I was not introduced into "light" gage strings and I have to admit there were many times where it wasn't a pleasant experience.

I took all of 6 lessons that year and learned that I was terribly bored after all when are we gonna get to the good stuff...Rock and Roll .. not the fundamentals of site reading dammit... I messed with the guitar on and off with my own familiarity for a few years and finally Rhoads came into the picture.. Again I was blown away by the intensity of the music and the playing.. His playing would have a huge impact on me in years to come.

By the time I was 17 with 6 lessons under my belt and a whole lot of learning on my own I was playing locally with friends I had made in high school I'd have to say that jamming with other people, learning songs and specifically "Guitar for the practicing musician" were the things that had the biggest impact on my playing level. I had always been lucky enough even to this day to have a natural ability to play the guitar but the biggest lesson I can hand to anyone who wants to get better is to go play with people. Play with people who are better than you.. you will most certainly feel intimidated and out gunned..but the one thing that gave me was drive and knowledge.

By jamming with people above my level it gave me the chance to see more established people play and learn from it. It helped me evolve and challenge my limits.. All on 6 lessons .. LOL.

More later...

Wow, cobwebs

2006-04-10T07:53:00.000-04:00

Seems to be a lot of dust and cobwebs in here huh .. Been a while since I've logged in and actually written something. Life has been busy and hectic for the last several weeks. So for those nice enough to stop and read or even post a comment for that matter I apologize. I have not ignored reading your blogs, I've been following them and haven't made much time for comments or opinions.. I do thoroughly enjoy reading all your blogs..

So I mentioned things being hectic, as most here would know I run an on-line forum with my buddy Sully (link to the right). A few weeks ago we undertook the effort of moving all our UBB over to a new software called VBulletin. I'm really liking the new layout of the forum and the tools that are available to us. The learning curve has been a pain in the ass and the swap has created a boatload of work as far as registrations and old membership issues. Slowly those things are getting worked out but it always amazes me how much time it consumes ..

2nd on the list of hectic is work. Apparently the bigwigs up top have admitted to dropping the ball on what our customer orders were going to be. Basically this translates into ..Hey guys we fucked up so you need to work more hours while we are golfing...So lately I have been coming into work by 6am and getting an extra hour a day. I'm not used to getting up at 5am so I must say this is wearing thin on my old body...

Guitar playing..

Man I'd been getting lazy for a while as the closest I'd get to picking up a guitar was moving it room to room in its case. The one thing that always seems to inspire me to play guitar is new equipment or toys. This weekend Line6 released the latest update to their flagship Vetta amp and I've been waiting this one with little patience. Sat the new update was released and I downloaded it and installed it right away. For those of you who either don't know what a vetta is or you are just a complete tone snob (I'll touch on that some other time) I'll explain.

A Vetta is a software driven amplifier that has "modeling" technology. Basically line6 acquired all different big time amps and recorded and analyzed their frequency and resonance curves. They designed the software to react like the original amplifier. Is it dead on tube tone? Certainly not but it definitely sounds good and eats the crap out of any solid state amplifier. The positive to this amp is that instead of being locked to one tone or several different amps you end up with a much wider range of amps to play through as well as stomp boxes and such.

The new release fixed several things that either users wanted fixed or added and the new update so far seems to be worth the wait. Anything that gets me to pull a guitar out of a case and play is a good thing isn't it? What I haven't done is spent time with one specific guitar in ages. (Sounds like part of the family huh)

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am very dedicated to charvel superstrats as my guitar of choice, but like many guitar players I have at least one Les Paul in my arsenal. She is a 1993 Sunburst Custom that my wife had bought me for our anniversary in 94. I haven't paid much attention to that guitar in a very time other than to try a new setup in it but funny enough it ended up stock again..

Yesterday I pulled the old Paul out and fired up the new Vetta firmware and as I played I remembered what I actually loved about that Les Paul. There are specific guitar we all own or love that until we pick them up we tend to forget what it is we moss about them .. I guess it's like throwing on a well worn in pair of jeans that just seem to fit well ...

Anyway that's enough for now.. gotta get back to work .. Be cool everyone, I'm watching ..

Kev

Venting time

2006-03-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

I need to blow a friggin gasket for a sec...

What is with people and their attitudes towards kids school sales drives. When my daughter was young I used to give to everyone who asked for their school events. Candy bar sales, candle sales, calender sales what ever was asked of me by my friends.

When Jessica became of the age to have these drives everyones wallet seemed to dry up. Now I've commited to not doing it anymore because I got jaded when it was my daughters time.

A co-worker just came in selling calenders for his kids and I politely tried to decline citing no money on me. To which he was willing to extend me the credit till I could pay and again I politely declined..

This co-worker just stormed out of my room in a fit of anger because he didn't get his way. Now I'm as giving as possible to all that know me and maybe I'm a bit off base here but these things should be banned from work..all they do is create resentment.. Now he is angry at me over a lousy $5 and I'm angry at him for his tantrum......

people- Get the fuck over it, if you don't get what your after then act like an adult ..or don't bring the damn things to work...........

Dee and Me

2006-03-22T12:28:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit bored and I haven't blogged very much lately so I figured I would talk a bit about my boring life...

My Wife ...

What is there to say about your spouse? I mean a lot of people joke about the things their spouses are good for, or they would like to do to them.It always makes me wonder how much of that is a joke and how much is how they really feel...

So here's my disclaimer...

Diane is my best friend in the whole world and there isn't any way I could imagine her not being a part of my life. We have always been the type of couple that enjoyed each others company on varying levels. Some may think that's a bit too mushy ...so whatevah ..The fact is there is no one I enjoy being around more ...

When we get out of bed we aren't looking what we are going to do on our own, we are always looking to the other asking what do you want to do today... This isn't to say we never have a lone time but we certianly love doing most things together ...

I met Diane in the spring of 1983 shortly after I had graduated from high school. I had taken a temporary job working at Burger King (bleh) in between Machinist jobs. Diane was one of the first people I met the day I started there and neither of us were looking for a relationship as we were both involved seriously already. I was 17 and she was 18 ...

I only held that job for a short 2-3 weeks and went on my own way but every once in while I would bump into her be it going into B.K myself or at the local mall. She would always ask if I was still dating my girl and the answer was usually yes.

On one friday evening after breaking up with my girlfriend I happened to go out with another gorl from B.K and some friends when we happened into the restaurant for a quick bite and to hang out. Diane happened to be working that night and my friend Pete saw her and was very interested in her. The girl I happened to be out with knew Diane and approached her to see if she could get old Petee a date ..

She told Diane that guy over there is interested in you and want's you to call him and proceeded to hand Diane Pete's phone number.Diane made a natural assuption that this girl was pointing at me and was happy to hear this news... until she found out whose number she actually had... Old Petee never got that date..

Later that year around November Diane and I bumped itno each other at the local mall and the usual conversation started..are you still dating so and so .. But the difference this time was that we were both unattached!! Diane promptly handed me her phone number and told me to call. While this was going on her mom happened to come up behind her and Diane wanted to make a point of introducing me...

Um mom .. I'd like you to meet Steve .... STEVE!! ..... WTF ...She didn't even remember my name!! Without missing a beat I said please to meet you Mrs Hoh (I swear that's her maiden name) and my name isn't Steve ..it is Kevin. .. Diane has never been allowed to live that down to this day ... Maybe not the most romantic way to start out ..but certainly memorable .. Below is a few pictures of Diane and I when we first met and now ...

yep still together after all this time

Whoa ,,,been a long time!

2006-03-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

Seems like forever since I had anything to write or I guess the time to write it..that and I'm just really lazy at times with creativity.

A week and a half ago Diane and I had the pleasure of seeing Paul Rodgers and Queen in concert. I had to admit when I first heard they were touring together I couldn't imagine Paul stepping into Freddies shoes, boy was I off base.

While he would never be able to replace Freddie he certainly fit the bill and did all the songs justice. They did a wide arrangement of hits from Queen, Paul, Bad Co and Free and it was a rocking 2+ hour show.

The highlight was for the song Bohemian Rhapsody in which they used concert footage of Freddie live and played along with the video. It was a heartfelt ftting tribute to the memory of Freddie and Queen.

At the end of the show for the Encore the most astounding thing happened that caused Queen to play the Encore out of sync. After leaving the stage the crowd erupted in the foot/clap beat that rings proud for We Will Rock you and they had the timing down perfectly. When Queen re-emerged Roger Taylor picked up on the drums right where the crowd was keeping a beat. It was awesome to hear and be a part of. Normally they would transition into We are the champions but because it weas done in this manner they actually went back to do All Right now before finishing the night with Champions...

All in all it was an awesome experience and if you like either band go see the show ..

On a side note ..

Happenings..

I broke down a bought a 25th anniversary Charvel and I'm so pleased with this guitar. It is a one off from the released series and is the only Red one ever built. The guitar is everything I had hoped it would be. After getting it I had a friend who is an old Ibanez player check it out and he was in such awe of it he ended up buying his own which I helped him aquire through a friend "hippie Tim" from the JCF... (Thanks Tim!)

Sully~ He's finally a homeowner!! Congrats dude, it's been a long road for ya but it's great to see lifes puzzle falling into place for ya. Good things are in your future..

Annah~ I happened to notice on Annah's site about the HRC event she attended and wanted to make it a point to have people support this. We all need to get along and care about each other on this crazy planet and this is just another step in harmony. I am of the beleif that ignorance only keeps us uncivilized and uncaring.... Keep on learning and rocking...support it ..

http://www.hrc.org/

On another note Annah is almost done with her book and I for one am looking forward to reading it, she seems to be moving right along ...keep up the good work!!!

As far as me? More to come I guess but for now my lunch break is over dammit!

Keeping up with the joneses .. or at least 1

2006-03-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

Ok ..Em loves these little quizzes and loves to post the results on her blog ..and she gets me everytime I go there to see what I get ..

So here ya go Em guess we could hang together....

Am I cool or uncool? [CLICK]

You are Super-Cool!

Woah! Step back - the future's so bright for you it's blinding me! You are the coolest of the cool. Everyone looks up to you as the benchmark for being coooool. The fonze was your grandfather. Any cooler and you'd freeze! WOO it's chilly in here.

Cool quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

He who has the last laugh...

2006-03-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

Alma D Sunderland... I'm not sure what it was about the Canadians and their odd names. Alma's Dad's name Was Luger Caron and her Mom Lumina (Dancause) Caron. Guess it makes me happy I was born in the USA ...

Alma seemed like such a bad name that in order to get to her we branded her the name of Bertha after all how could you get any worse than Alma correct?

Late Sept of 1984 my grandmother had been having chest pain but never said a word to my mom. I had been estranged from the family that summer and had been living back in Lawrence with my 1/2 sisters. By the time I had gotten new of my grandmothers problem she was already bedridden at the Lawrence General Hospital.

I moved back home around that time to help out with the stuff that was happening. We would take daily trips up to the hospital to see Bertha and spend time with her. She seemed to be doing much better than anyone had expected but she kept saying that her only way home would be in a pine box.

It's funny when death ensues at old age because 2 of the oddest things can take place. They say the elderly know when their time has come and it certainly seemed to fit what was happening with my grandmother.

The 2nd thing is that when something major happens it seems they always get a lot better right before they leave us. I've seen this time and time again with family members and friends elderly relatives. We call it the calm before the storm.

Nov 4th 1984

I had been going to band practice not far from my home and we were standing in front of where we rehearsed very late at night maybe around 1:30 am or so. At the drop of a hat I saw my mothers car speed past us at a high rate of speed heading for the general and I knew this wasn't good news.

Diane and I got in my car and headed behind her not being able to catch up, my friend Pete right behind us. When I got to the hospital it was what I had suspected "Bertha" had taken a bad turn and this was it. I went down to let Diane and Pete know what was happening and my friend offered to take Diane to her house for me.

By the time I got back upstairs it was just a matter of minutes before she was gone but it was one of those rare instances where she was lucky enough to be surrounded by her family when she left...

I know at this point this story certainly doesn't seem to have a last laugh at such a sombering moment, but it was the next day that would end up having the oddest turn of circumstance.

We had gone down to our local funeral director that our family had used for years to make the arrangements for Bertha's funeral. In the midst's of setting up the obituary for Alma D Sunderland we learned that it wasn't really her name and that the D in the middle was in fact her real name...

Derilda A Caron was her birthright ............. DERILDA!! Somehow all of those years of calling her Bertha and thinking there couldn't be anything worse had just been trumped with an Ace card!!

RIP Bertha we miss you

One step at a time

2006-03-02T19:33:00.000-05:00

Living in the condo was a pain in the ass as you always have close neighbors that are either nosey or want to tell you what to do. The flip side to it was it was nicer than the old house.

I'm not sure it was easy on Bertha because the bedrooms were on the second floor and she was getting up there in years. By this time I was in my early high school years and trying to enjoy what would probably be one of my last summers before I started working.

Early one summer morning at around 5 am I was laying in bed when the craziest thing interrupted my slumber. Mom had gotten up to get ready for work and was in the shower when Bertha decided she had to go to the bathroom. Bertha was one of those like most elderly people that when it was time to go, it was time to go.

My mom never made a habit of locking the bathroom door but for whatever reason on this particular morning she had. Which apparently was very distressing to Bertha. Her only course of action was to head for the 1/2 bath on the first floor.

In the condo going from the second to first floors the setup was as follows. Come out of the front bedroom turn left and go down 3-4 stairs to a landing. At the landing you turn left to go down the main staircase to another landing about 3 foot by 3 foot. Directly in front of the last stair was the hall closet and turning left and one more stair brought you into the livingroom. The was no easy journey for an old woman who "Has to go"

Bertha got to the first stair and decided that she was probably in a bit of trouble because she really had to go badly. The way to make sure she didn't have an accident was to bend down and grab the bottom back of her night gown, pull it between her legs and hold it in her words "To prevent herself from spilling anything"

As she proceeded down the first set of stairs and navigated her turn she did better than anyone could have hoped under the circumstance. What happened next was something that to this day I can remember being awaken from a dead sound sleep.

As Bertha hit the approx 5th step form the bottom she got hung up in the night gown she was carefully negotiating to prevent any mess from happening. Urban legend has stated it was at this point she moved from an elderly woman to "Evil Knievel" status. Bertha launched from about the 5th stair head first into the closet door on the bottom landing and plopped right down on her ass!!

The story from my perspective as ...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Boom Boom Boom ..... Dead Silence ....
Then a faint voice- Joan! Joan! Joan! I fell down the stairs.

I remember going form dead sleep to running about 1.2 of a second and mom the same form the shower. As I came around the corner of the top landing there was poor Bertha sitting on her ass looking up at us ...

Mom and I quickly made sure she was ok but being old and heavy getting her up was lifting dead weight. As we got her off the landing the sudden stench hit us that Bertha attempting to spare us spillage had in fact dirtied the entire landing...

As though not to miss a beat my mother looked at me and said... I gotta go to work you clean it..and back to her shower she went..

Bertha was no worse for wear in her attempt to break the record of oldest living human to fly but to this day I'll never forget those words "I gotta go to work"

It would be several years before I'd get to delegate things to my own child that I didn't want to do ....

proper dosage always helps

2006-03-02T08:18:00.000-05:00

We moved from Lawrence to Methuen in 1978 to get a bit out of the city. Lawrence was always known to be an immigrant city and that was how it came to be a city in the 1800’s. Largely made up of immigrants from Ireland, England and Canada and later Italian and Spanish the city was built largely by mill workers.

By the late 70’s there was an influx of people moving to the suburbs Into single family homes and more and more property owners becoming absentee landlords. This created a decline in the quality of life within the city as you had people renting solely for profit and renters who didn’t care to take care of what they didn’t own.

My grandparents had bought the house we lived in at 78 Marble Ave in the depression. If you were to pay attention to the census records from the 1600’s to the early 1900’s you will tend to find families that stayed within a given area for long periods of time. My best guess of this is because it just wasn’t easy to consistently move entire households like it is today.

When my grandparents made to move from renters to owners they had already had their children and were renting on the first floor of the 3 family at the corner of Marble Ave and Ohio. It was by stroke of luck that the house right next door went up for sale and they bought it.

In 1978 it was time to close that chapter of our lives and move onto better things and my mother had bought a tri level townhouse in the next town over. At that time it was a 2 bedroom unit and 3 of us so I got my own room and “bertha” and mom shared a room.

We had gotten to know several of our neighbors and had befriended a family in another unit in the complex where we would spend a lot of time hanging out. The Jacklins has 2 kids that were close to my age and my mom got a along with the parents so it was to be a good mix for friendship.

One day while visiting the neighbors something about bertha grew more and more odd. Her answers to questions were becoming more and more strange as the night was progressing.

Mom- It’s starting to get dark outside
Bertha- No thanks I’ve already had my tea

Mom would look a the neighbor oddly

Neighbor ..is there anything we can get you?
Bertha- Yes it’s a very nice day outside

Again looking perplexed my mother finally decided to ask ..

Mom are you taking any new medications I don’t know about? No, just a bit of cough syrup bertha replied.. My mom thinking this was a bit odd disappeared to the house and brought back a simple bottle of Robitussin cough syrup.

When asked if this was the correct medicine my grandmother agreed that it was and my mom proceeded to make sense of the label. Ma, how much of this are you taking? 4 spoons every 2 hours why? My mother started to laugh at that point because the label read 2 spoons every 4 hours! My grandmother was high on cough syrup!! I would have never thought that possible …

Bertha was not a very tall lady but had some definite weight to her and was a very large breasted woman. This was a symptom of the family that would not only plague herbut every other woman (And some men) to get the Sunderland gene. We had decided to take Bertha hime to allow her to sleep off her high and I ust admit that even though it was a short walk from one door to another trying to to walk with a drunken old heavy canadian woman was not the easiest of tasks…

As kids we used to mess around by standing in line with 3 or 4 people arm in arm and walking leg over leg like the monkees did in the opening credits of there show.. Taking Bertha home was almost reminiscent of that very move ….

Caught between a rock

2006-03-01T12:14:00.000-05:00

Being a youngin and being watched by your grandmother had certain benefits. It was easier to get away with things as they never seemed to be as attentive as our parents might be, Bertha was no different.

I remember easily being able to coax money for the ice cream man, the corner store or what ever needed at any given time.

On one particularly hot summer afternoon I was out hanging around with my buddy Bob. Back then at the age of 8-10 one of the big rules was to leave the hose alone. My grandparents had lived through the depression and such and were always concerned about wasting money (The hose was attached to the water bill)

On this day I had gone against better judgment because I could get away with most things and decided to pull the hose out and basically have a water fight. Ever paid attention to a child with a hose and a pressurized nozzle? Anything and everything becomes a target.

I used to get a kick out of shooting the water straight up in the air and having it come down on me to cool off from the humid summer air. The thing that made this easy to get away with was the fact that we had the huge air conditioners in the window running and that pretty much drowned out anything from the water to kids screaming... Oh and the fact that the TV had to be turned way up to overtake the AC!!

After a period of time I needed to run in the house and go to the bathroom and upon my return ran into a minor issue ..

"Bertha"- Where are you going now?
"Me"- Outside
"Bertha" No your not
"Me" thinkin I'm busted now asks why not?
"Because it's raining outside and your mother doesn't want you out in the rain ..

Now have you ever been caught between a rock and a hard place? I guess that was it for a 9/10 yr old. In my haste of spraying the house directly up in the air I neglected to realize that the droplets hitting the air conditioner reverberate through the house like the sound of heavy rain ..

Geez what's a kid to do? Point out that it's not raining out or that you were using the hose and risk getting in trouble or just stay in .............

Nearsighted people and prescriptions

2006-02-28T22:25:00.000-05:00

Bertha being a diabetic was reliant upon diet and injections to maintain her insulin levels. As anyone who know anything about the disease this is something that is crucial to survival for a diabetic..

I remember around the age of 10/12 my grandmother being ill. Not diseased sick but having a bout of the flu or a bug of some sorts. I was home on my summer vacation at the time and all through my life I was delegated as being close by for whatever my grandmother might need.

Not feeling well and especially not being able to hold down food became a concern to my mom. Back then my mother worked the day shift and my grandmother watched me during the day so it worked out for the both of them. On this given day my mother had decided that it was best to call the doctor and let him know "Bertha" wasn't able to hold food down

Mom got a call back from the doctor and he decided the best route was to call in a prescription at the pharmacy down the road. She then called my Uncle George asked him to swing by and pick it up for my grandmother and drop it off.

When my Uncle showed up at the house he wanted to make sure to get "Bertha" started on the medication right away. I vividly remember looking over at him as he held the package up to the light in an effort to read the directions without his reading glasses. He then disappeared from the room only to reappear with a big glass of water...

The conversation went something like...

George~ Ma it says you take one of these twice a day (hands her the water and the meds)
"Bertha"~ Wow, That looks like a god dammed elephant pill.. She tossed in in her mouth and proceeded to drink down the glass of water..

My Uncle then left for work satisfied his mother had been taken care of ... Or had she?

When my mom got home that night my grandmother had remarked at how large the pills were and that she was surprised anyone could take them. Mom grabbed the package and began to read but as it had become clear what had been done she didn't know whether to panic or laugh ..

Mom~ Mom, you took one of these?
"Bertha"` Yes at noon
Mom~ These are suppositories
"Bertha" Well no wonder they went down so damn easily, they are like vasoline!

For anyone who isn't aware, a suspository is medication that is taken rectally. In my grandmothers case of not being able to hold food down it was thought best if they try going the other way with the medication for fear she would toss it back up..

I'll never forgot that day, My mother couldn't imagine what the pharmacist was thinking on the other end of the phone when she called to explain what she had done and if she would be ok.. I'm sure he came close to dropping the phone ...

My Uncle NEVER got to live that story down and to this day when things get dull and new people are around it's one of my favorite stories to tell .....

Kev

Alma Sunderland~ Feb 26 1906- Nov 4, 1984

2006-02-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

Alma better known to my immediate family as Bertha....

Alma Sunderland (Caron) was my mom's mother and I fondly always referred to her as Nana which bascially what the french canadians refer to their grandmother's. This is a writing that I should save for a big finish as some of my funniest stories refer to my grandmother. The reason I choose to open with it is simply because she is some of my favorite and fondest memories.

My grandmother and grandfather owned the house we lived in when I was a child in Lawrence. This was a 2 family home where they lived on the first floor and we lived on the second floor. My grandparents had 3 children Herbert, George and Joan.

A lot of the reason I look back a Bertha so fondly is because she had a lot to do with my childhood and really helped raise me as a young child. In 1974 my Grandfather died of a massive heart attack and my mother and I moved into the first floor to be with my grandmother. This filled 2 needs within the family 1) My grandmother would not be alone and 2) My mother had a 2nd adult to raise a child as she was a single parent.

My grandmother while a small woman at about 4"11 (She would always say 4"11 1/2 as if that 1/2 put her into the Avg person club) was a powerful lilttle woman in presence. She suffered from Arthritus, Nerves and Diabetes.

I had heard stories from my mom and uncles at family gatherings how "bertha" had quite the temper and how you needed to watch out for her 8 rings you would get smacked with. The humerous part of this was simply because Nana was getting her chain tugged just enough to irritate her and get her going. (there were no 8 rings)

This is not to say that she didn't have her french temper by any means.

The School my Uncle George attended as a youth wasn't far from my home. Anyone who has heard stories of old days gone by might remember being told of bein smacked by rulers for using the wrong hand to write etc. My Uncle George had a bit of a speech impedement that affected him till the day that he died. To give an example of this he could never say potatoe chips it was potata chos .....

Apparently a nun had made it a point of trying to correct my Uncles poor speach by smacking him with a ruler. While I could never (Or wanted to) believe it I had been told that my Grandmother promptly went down to the school and proceeded to physically threaten the nun about touching her child...

Maybe today she could have taken on the priests!!

More to come ...

Life

2006-02-28T12:13:00.000-05:00

So I was sitting around thinking about all these blogs we read everyday and mine in particular. I realized that the majority of the time we use it as a tool to talk about current events or vent a bit. So my idea is to maybe talk a little bit about me and maybe some comical parts of my family..

To start it off I'll just give a bit of background ..

I was born December 24th 1965.. That's code for you get screwed at christmas for those of you who are born from Feb to November. I was born and raised about 30 or so miles outside of Boston in a City known as Lawrence. I'm not always proud to admit that as Lawrence has been known as the car theft capitol of the world among other things. When I lived there is was a city of approx 70,000 people .. it has grown even from that by leaps and bounds.

I grew up in a middle class neighborhood of 2 and 3 decker homes so there was always an abundance of kids to hang with and maybe even get in trouble. Growing up through the late sixties into the early seventies wasn't a bad time to grow but gawd the things we lived through. I watch things like that 70's show now and find it funny that there is so much I can relate too.

My mom was born from parents of diverse origin. My grandfathers (The Sunderlands)family was british and my grandmothers (The Carons) were canadian. I guess that mixture in itelf could certianly make for a sitcom of some sort but it's all the collections of family stories that truly make me laugh and those are some things I'll get into as we go along ... This family ( The Sunderlands) has been in this country for approx 150 years..

My Dad was born into an odd situtation from a father(The Maynards) on the run and a mother (The Carters) who grew up in a local orphanage. We never totally found out why My grand father (Maynard)was on the run but there was differing speculation that he was a bigamist among other things.. funny enough if you do a geaneology search of the maynards you find these things tend to be normal with the Surname (Go figure!!)

His father origin is that of British/Irish and his mom was somewhere between Irish and Canadian. There are other things that infiltrate the lineage but these are the main lines. My Maynards line to my best current estimate have been in the USA since a minimum of 1630.

My mom and dad split up when I was about 2 years old and my dad left for California to hide. We lived at that time on the 2nd floor of my grandparents (The Sunderlands) house. While you can never know the whole story without being there,years later it would come out exactly how they split up.

My dads parents were visiting and we spent a day at a local beach (Salisbury beach) where a fight ensued between mom and dad. Apparently in a moment of being a dick (it would come out later he had many of these momnets) He told my mother what does it really matter anyway we were never really married. This in the mid 60s was a big no no ...

The story was told that in a fit of rage my mom packed up the car, inlaws,child and left my dad at the beach... Approx 20 miles from to fend for himself. When mom got home dad walked through the door not long after my mom claiming he had walked home (My dad lied quite a bit) He packed his bags and left... I wouldn't see him or hear from him again for another 15 years..

In my dads fit of running he walked out on mom and I and never really looked back. My mom had been his 2nd marriage and he sired 4 children from his first. Roy,Laurie,Wendy and Tammy Maynard. To this day our relatonships with each other remains rocky at best as we are all very different people.

At this point I'll let this sit as I've started to lay out the list of characters in my comical journey through life. Looking back on things it amazes me how my family was ever able to procreate ...you'll soon see what I mean ....

Kev

Mustang saga

2006-02-27T20:19:00.000-05:00

So we all know from a few weeks ago the fate of the new car ..well I'll detail whats gone down ..

The girl that hit it asked of we could keep it off of the insurance and I've busted to get it fixed right as cheap as humanly possible to help her out. Well I got it fixed for $140 total with Ford parts which is awesome.

The problem came over the fact that she wasn't returning any of our phonecalls and I was begining to feel like I'd been taken again. The car got fixed on Thursday to which a phonecall wa splaced withthe final bill and request for a return phonecall...... It never came.. Again on Friday and again nothing.. Sunday a phonecall yielded a cell number that was no longer in service..

I was begining to get that WTF attitude again!! Why me, this always happens to me as I try and put trust in people and it goes wayside. Trust is a funny issue for me because I have a hard time trusting people for various reasons (Maybe I'll talk about it one of these days)

Today Diane drove to her home and had a conversation with her mom which left the promise of payment tomorrow... so we shall see what happens .. I certainly have my fingers crossed and am hoping to put this to rest once and for all ...

Man's Best Friend...............

2006-02-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

Week in review..

2006-02-25T08:11:00.000-05:00

It's a beatiful day in the neighborhood a beautiful day for a neighbor would you be mine, could you be .....oh shit someone stole my sneakers!

Part of my morning ritual is always stopping off at other blogs and seeing how other people are doing.. and Em is right in my usual sites ..

Poor Em has the neighbors from hell and I can certainly sympathize with her plight. Em recently found out her neighbors were spying on her (Bad Times!) I think someone deserves an ass kicking... invasion of privacy sucks !!

Ever have that friend who always has a story you can relate too or they relate to yours. Yep Em I too have a neighbor I would love to pound at times. When they moved in they were sold the house by a dear elderly lady who we had as a neighbor for 10 years. She had 2 people interested in buying and told me she close the one she felt would be a better neighbor.

The very first year this guy lived here he didn't mow his lawn all summer. I have no problem with that (Hell I've been lazy at times) So you may ask what my beef could be? When he finally decided to mow it it was after 9 pm at night!!! Ever try watching TV at 9:30 on a late summer eve with the windows open and a mower snapping at all the branches and rocks its operator couldn't find?

While this was a major annoyance it was the next thing that caught me by surprise.. I was amazed when he actually started raking up his clipping, I wasn't prepared for them to be swept out into the road!! Sometimes ya just gotta say wtf!

The next stop is Miss Annah's blog and she has had a busy week. Her show re-aired on the Discovery Health channel, She lost out on a job and even got a bit political!! Ever have that person in life that seems so centered in what they have done with their lives? That seems to be Annah, She took the tough road lived her life true and seems to be fulfilled because of it ...

Let's take a walk around the block to ole Sullyville... WTF????? His blog isn't there!! Wonder wat be up wit dat!

Well in review I can say we had spoken on the phone a few times this week and he like I was having his own week in hell. Times are getting close on his new home and things are getting stressful.

Jon,

As stressed out these issue hit you ... remember this. Where you started several years ago when you made the jump from Chicago to Texas is far behind you now and your life has fallen into place. As stressful as it might be be proud of where you came from dude and embrace where you are going because that in itself is part of the American Dream ....

Anyone wanna go fishin?

Catfish got himself out of debt and reduced his stress levels. Money is funny isn't it..something we are so bound too that it can affect our health and well being. God knows I've had my times of wondering if I could pay all the bills and I'm sure we all either deal with it at one time or are dealing with it currently. I'm glad to hear that he was able to do it successfully.

The Hippie ..

Tim started a home studio and it looks like it will be an awseome project, If I lived local I'd have to book studio time!!. I'm still waiting for Tim to get his carvin and give us a review as I was considering buying a California archtop ....

Chewbacca's Smoking Monkey ..

What can I say .. no updates!!

Me??? You wanna know bout me ...aww shucks

It's been the F'in week from hell but here in Sat the one thing I can stand on is the fact that I'm still alive. The car got fixed this weel and only cost $140 (GOODTIMES!!) but ow I'm chasing the girl who asked to avoid the Ins co. (Badtimes!!) My brother in Cali finally bought a pc and got online! Work sucked and life was dull this week.. the one thing that I always enjoy in the bad times is having my internet friends to read about and talk too ... (Em needs instant messenger!!)

We have snow on the way ..4-7" starting this afternoon.. I have a coupon for a mexican place 2 for 1 special on snowy days ..maybe we'll go tonight! ..HEH Mexican food in NH is kinda like New England Chowdah in Texas isn't it... just doesn't seem to fit ....

LATAH!

Bad Times

2006-02-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

I swear things like this only happen in the movies. Ever see the movie (Which we watched just last night indecentally) Planes, Trains and Automoblies? There is a part where John Candy and Steve Martins characters are traveling the wrong way down the highway and they go between 2 trucks and tear the mirrors off the car and scrape the sides ..

Poor Diane ..

Dianes morning ritual on a Sat is to roll out of bed and head to the gym (Curves). Usually after curves she tries to e good to me and bring me home a large coffee from Dunkin Donuts . http://www.dunkindonuts.com

Well this am in the course of her usual routine she had done just that and started home. On the road she was travelling down there was a bend and a car approaching the opposite way. On the bend were some people on the edge of the road in front of their home. The poor girl travelling the opposite way swerved to avoid them and turned her attention from the road to the people.

Her description was that of a loud bang and her turning to see a yellow blur as the cars struck mirrors. As you can see the mustang took a nice hit and her car got nothing because she had collasping mirrors.

No one got hurt thank god, but both women were pretty well shaking. The young lady has asked not to turn it into the insurance co as she already has a speeding ticket and doesn't want her insurance to go up. Needless to say I've spent some time on the phone to get a repair estimate.

Lucky enough it is just the mirror and no exterior damage so it sounds like the damage will be about $112 for the mirror and $120 to install it .. It doesn't lessen the pain any that the car is only 3 weeks old....

So ...how's yout weekend going?

Annah and the Discovery Health Channel

2006-02-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

You'll note to my right there are links and on is to Annah Moore's rightside out website .. Annah is a fellow Guitarist/Jackson enthusiest who transitioned from male to female. She's a cool chick that has an awesome story to tell.

Annah was detailed on the DHC with her story and it will be re-airing ...please check it out, have an open mind and hopefully you'll learn something ...

Feb 21, 2006 at 9pm EST
Feb 26, 2006 at 4am EST
Feb 26, 2006 at 12pm EST

Rock on Annah!!

Kev

Ok Em ..Here's mine

2006-02-14T09:26:00.000-05:00

You reflect the mystery of the spirit. A soul is a
very mysterious thing and you have proven
this to us. This mysterious quality probably
means that you know more about your spirit
than most people know about their own, and
you keep this a well kept secret, for there
are just some things that mustn't be known.

Please rate high ;-)

Reflections of the Spirit?
brought to you by quickly

Finally ...

2006-02-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

Old man winter finally makes an appearance of some substance today .. We are in the middle of a storm that is expected to dump 12"-18" of snow today ..

I guess it isn't all bad as we have had the most mild of winters as far as I can remember and to boot it will be mild again by the end of the week. On a related note given the mild winter and this storm today we are due to go from below normal avg snowfall to above in just this one storm .....go figure..

Being stuck in the house on a Snowy Sunday isn't such a big deal as it always bring New England comfort foods to memory. Corn Chowder, Grilled Cheese and Tomato soup, French Onion Soup, Beef Stew to name just a few. Getting hungry yet?

On the downlow...

Ever flip to an internet site that changes so often it's much cleaner than your underwear? Check out the link to my right from Em .. Everytime I go to her site it is a new experience, not only because she has interesting things to blog about ...but the appearance of the site changes almost daily. Hitting the link button on my site is like being in outer space and warping to another galaxy and not knowing if you will end up in a familiar place, or a parallel universe... .at any rate it's always an interesting and fun place to stop ...

I'm off to watch the snow fall ..maybe I'll post more latah ..

New Link today

2006-02-02T09:25:00.000-05:00

Just Added Hippie Tim's tiny little fishes site .. Tim is a friend from JCFOnline and a fellow line6 enthusiest ....

just because I could

2006-02-01T12:53:00.000-05:00

Variax update

2006-01-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

Well nutboy is in process and sent me some pix to drool over.. looks like he's doing an awesome job.. I gave him full creative control so....

In memory of

2006-01-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

20 years ago today the Challenger space shuttle was destroyed as millions of Americans watched in agony. I wanted to make sure to post about this today because it had significant meaning to me. I most certainly remember that day very clearly as it unfolded on television..

The reason it is of an importance to me is because this was to be the flight with the first civilain, a teacher whose name was Christa McAuliff. Christa was from my home state of NH and lived about 25 minutes north of my town. It was big news here that she was doing such an exciting thing and it was a whole state who mourned her loss along with the crew that accompanied her on that fateful trip ...

Please take a minute to remember these brave souls.

on a side note if you want to read a bit here is an article about the 7 myths of the challenger disaster that is pretty interesing and thought provoking ...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11031097/

Lot and a little

2006-01-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a relatively quiet week for the most part. Obviously I picked up the mustang last friday and I'm loving being back in a car again I forgot how much I missed actually driving and not just going through the motions.

On sunday we had a bit of bad luck as the wife's 2005 PT Cruiser's transmission crapped out. After having it taken by flatbed to the dealer she ended up with my new car for the begining of the week .That sucked on 2 levels!! 1st off the fact that I had a brand new car that basically I couldn't drive and 2nd I hate feeling trapped at work. Not that I take off everyday but not having the car there really gets stuck in your mind and you feel trapped!!

We got the PT back Tueday night after getting dicked around by the dealer on monday. I was assured because there was snowfall monday that they would be able to look at it as they had a bunch of cancellations. Not only was this not the case but they didn't even bother to let us know that it wouldn't be touched which left us without the car Tues.

All in all it wasn't too bad as it turned out to be a faulty line and the car appears to be back to normal..

Next up was a guitar project that I had under taken about a year ago. I love to use line 6 gear (http://www.line6.com) and they have a guitar called a variax. The variax is what is considered to be a modelling guitar. This simply put isa guitar thaat emulates all different types of other guitars. It doesn't do this perfectly mind you, but it does it well. It does everything from Teles,Strats,Pauls,Ricks but acoustics and some steel guitars ..

My only issue with their guitars are that they feel cheap (korean made) to me in my hands and I'm not fond of their neck profiles. When Warmoth guitar parts decided to start offering variax parts and I noticed they were offering up their 1st prototype strat body for sale I decided to grab that and a neck more suitible to my tastes. The result was a strat body made of adler and a maple neck ebony board strat neck with a thin profile which is almost similar to some of my charvels. I then stripped out the variax guts and retrofit them into the new guitar for testing

This is the end result

Well I have to say I'm more than happy with the results and swore I'd get the guitar painted up. Well just recently I spoke to my buddy Sull and I was given the ultimatum. Send it soon or it wont get done because my house will be ready soon and I'm movin. I've had so much fun with this guitar that I really avoided tearing it down but now it was time. I've recently decided to take it one step further and add a passive pickup to it so I took it to work and routed it out for a bridge humbucker.

The guitar was finally sent to the ole nutnoose for finishing this week and I'm exctied to get it finished and I can't wait to see the final product. Once I get it I'll most certianly post pictures of it .......

Done Deal!!

2006-01-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

Can you say ...........Pony Express!!

The big time

2006-01-21T11:02:00.000-05:00

Todays read isn't about me or my thoughts but about some friends of ours who have hit the big time. Last night on 20/20 a segment was done about Norah Vincent who went undercover as a man to get inside their lives and write a book entitled "Self made man" about her experience.

We met Norah several years ago through her spouse Lisa M. I've know Lisa through my entire relationship with my wife Diane and she has known Lisa since they were youngins.. Norah is a brillant journalist and very well spoken so when she told us a few years ago of the project she was about to undertake we were all impressed and intrigued.

Yesterday was the pinnacle of all of her hard work and her story debut was aired on 20/20. You can watch an excerpt here http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=1528001

The experinece ended up resulting in an 18 month undercover journey as a man named Ned who joined a bowling team, dated women and even went to a monastary. Ned (Norah's) experience and point of view of men and their world is detail in her book and while we haven't had the chance to read it yet, knowing Norah we are really looking forward to it ..

Diane and I wish Norah and Lisa the best of luck with the book and their happiness together. If you wish to learn more about Norah you can vist her website

http://norahvincent.net/

I'm out

Like guitars

2006-01-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

So ..the title say it all , do you like guitars? This week is the 2006 NAMM show and alas I'm sitting at home while some major anouncements were made regarding charvel guitars. Charvel is back to what it was 25 years ago.. full on stratheads and that is something the fans of these guitars have been begging for over the last 20 years. It is sad that I was unable to attend this year as there were friends I had hoped to see and some I wanted to meet but it just wasn't in the cards this year ....

Car dealers/saleman suck

2006-01-18T08:29:00.000-05:00

Yep that they do ..more in the never ending quest to move from truck to car!!

I found a sweet 2006 mustang pony at a dealer not far from me. After some internet negotiating I got the sticker from $22,005 down to $20,658. Edmonds.com says the invoice on this car is $20,341. This would meant that I would be paying the dealer $317 over the invoice. Obviously this precludes any hidden incentive they get from Ford.

Before I ever walked onto the lot this seemed to be a fair and acceptable price for me to pay for the mustang. My next step was to ask many dealers what they use as a price guide for determining trade values on used vehicles.. The answer was NADA or Kelley's

My truck is a 2004 4 door supercab Ranger edge edition. in only has 15,000 miles on it as we speak (or as you read) ..BTW dead mint.. NADA says trade in value is $14,500 and Kelley's Blue states $13,500.. So off to the dealer I go ..

I always love when the salesman starts the pitch with "what do I have to do to put you in the car today" routine don't you? After the test drive that is EXACTLY where we started and I slid a manilla folder across the table with the quoted price and the name of my contact at the dealership.... His eyes dropped and smile dropped ..

Next up was to deal on my trade and asked what I needed to drive the mustang out today. I opened my folder and slid a paper across the table with a highlighted number from NADA that showed the $14,500 and off to his manager he went to as he put it get me a great deal!!

Ever notice they are always your friends? The offer came back at $11,900 and my only responce was it aint happenin.. Now he explains to me that my trade is only realistically worth wholesale value and not true trade. Not bad consideirng he can throw my truck on his lot with no reconditioning, 1/2 a warrantee left for between $16k and $17k huh?

To shorten the story a bit when the manager finally comes down to "reel" me in because his inept salman couldn't do the job I had a great laugh as they waddled towards my wife an I.

I often beleive car salesman are people who never mad ein in theatre because they are really bad actors. As Daryn and his GM wandered towards me I could see him waving his arms and saying very loudly "I know boss I tried to explain it to them and they just don't get it, maybe you could help them Boss"

All I can tell you is I had flashbacks to Bugs bunny cartoons and the 2 dogs... One is bouncing around the other as he walks asking "Duh .. Whaddya wan't me to do now Boss? "

The manager explained to me exactly how it works..see because I got them to discount their car to their "sticker" price they aren't making any money off the purchase so I need to be flexable on my trade in. Note I said their sticker price.... Yeah they would quote me a price at their cost to make a sale ... no profit my ass...

What they were trying to do to me was inevidibly steal my trade in.

From the bad acting to the belittling that salesman do to emarass you into doing something stupid it shows the mentality of the old time grifters. They will act like your friends while they are trying to phish the money out of your pocket and not feel bad about putting you into a bad situation .. as long as they get their cash ...

In the end the final offer on my truck was $12,300 and I owe $12,900 so I explained that there was no way I was going upsidown on my loan. The sales approach to that was hillarious.. just put more money down and you wont be upside down. Yeah so that solves it all, I either eat it up front or in the ass.....

I made a comment about working with the dealer that I purchased the truck from and assured them I could get what I wanted from them. After all if they can try and play me I might as well play the game back right.

The sales dude pitched back to me about if he had a nickle ever time he heard someone was going to get something from another dealership.. . I replied with if I had a nickle for everytime a salesman treated my like he was my friend and working for me I'd be rich...

In the end I shook the guys hand and left after all it's just business and not personal right?

If ya want to learn more about the tactics car dealers use read this article...it is about a jounalist who went under cover to work as a car salesman to learn all the scumbag tricks. It helped me in identifying EXACTLY what was going on and what would happen next... even my wife had a good laugh as it unfolded before her eyes ...

http://www.edmunds.com/advice/buying/articles/42962/article.html

Hopefully the more people that read this the more educated we all become about shady tactics! BTW .. Car dealers do not like educated buyers ..they are harder to grift...

OMG 2 in a row

2006-01-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

Now either the stars are aligned or the end of the world is upon us... not really but bloody hell how often do I post in my blog let alone 2 days in a row.

Today was Martin Luther King day in most of the country. In NH it isn't recognised as such but is called "civil rights day" I only hope that someday we can rid ourselves of these types of holidays. Not because I'm against civil rights but because I hope to be alive to see tolerance of all people whether it be race,religion,sexuality or gender.. Maybe someday we will just be ...

Which brings me to the next new thing. I've added a new link to my page to Annah Moores site. Annah fits in with exactly what I was just mentioning about just being. If you decide to click on her link (And I think you should) please go there with an open mind and learn about diversity. Beyond the preconceived notions one might have about gender and sexuality Annah shows it is simply about life and trying to live it happily and at peace with ones self. Beyond that this chick plays a mean guitar and hell anyone who plays a Jackson can't be 1/2 bad!

I spent my holiday driving from ford dealer to ford dealer lookng at mustangs. I was supposed to be at work today but well ...I was sick! ROTF! Anyway I haven't made any decisions yet but I'm tossing around the idea of trading my truck in on a car. I've narrowed it down to the mustang or the pontiac solstice and the only issue is that the pontiac is tougher to find.

The rest of my day was spent veggin .. the sad part is that as the day has progressed I actually started to feel crappy!! Ya think it's karma? LOL

Anyway I hope if you are reading this life finds you healthy and happy ....

Peace out and keep rockin!

NH in Jan ........

2006-01-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

Funny I always piss and moan about how much I hate the cold weather in New England and especially the winter. It's funny because there are things that stand out so vividly to me at this time of the year

Ever looked out over a snow covered landscape in the full moon? Well tonights isn't exactly a full moon but it is as close as can be .. maybe 15/16 full .. If you have never seen snow I'm sure it must be tough to imagine, I guess the closest thing you could equate it too would be when you see a white ceiling that has the silver sparkle mixed in.

Looking out over the landscape at night with a full moon is one of the most calming sites the soul can take in~ Even if your freezing your ass off! The most amazing thing is that as dark as an open field without lights can be, with the moonlight glistening across the sparking snow there isn't much that you wouldn't be able to see. The light bounces off the snow and creates a glow that anyone who has even seen ..it would always remind them of home in N.E. The snow sparkles like looking out over a clear starlit night. I'm not sure what the difference is at this time of year but looking up into the heavens it never ever seems as crisp and clear as it does at this time of the year.

When you go out at night in the snow the most bizarre thing is the sound or the lack off. It is like all the sound becomes asorbed by the snowcover and it is eerily quiet and dead sounding. It is almost as though all reverberation has been sucked into a black hole ... LOL ..

I guess as much as I have a negative opinion of winter, my life just wouldn't be the same without the experience ..

Happy 2006

2006-01-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

Well here we go another year over another about to begin and of all things ..Tax season is here .. I think I remember reading it takes the avg american 4 months of work to pay for their taxes. So as usual we are a slave to the man again!!

Not much new in my own world other than my vacation is just about done and i have to go back to work. The funny thing is we are supposed to get a snowstorm tonight!! so maybe I'll go in late tomorrah.......

I've been pretty quiet in internet circles over the last few weeks between the holidays and the fact that I had gotten a pretty good cold... special thanks goes to my Mother in law for giving it to me!

Overall the holidays were good and uneventful as usual but the nice thing was that I got to take time off work and just try and relax. Some people shudder to think that downtime from work should mean anything but being busy but I most certainly needed this quiet time

I hope and trust all of my friends had a good holiday season and I wish all of you nothing but the ultimate in happiness and prosperity this year. While I don't subscribe to the whole New Years resolution school of thought I do plan to work on being a happier person this year.

I had already started working on myself over the last few months with some direction from an awesome friend and it has made some difference in my life. I only hope with more work I will finally be able to get out of bed and embrace everyday as it should be and not what my thought process once was ... As my wife and I contantly remind each other .. small steps to change..

Anyway good luck to all of you this year ....

~K~

Ok it's official

2005-12-24T08:27:00.000-05:00

The world is coming to an end....

Johnny Damon is a Yankee~ that's right after talking smack and saying he could never play for them he left for money as most of these primadonnas do..

next up ..

I'm old~ yes ..I'm officially old .. I'm 40 today and dammit I need metamucil ....There's something to be said for being born a Christmas eve and trust me ..it's not good.. yea yea I got robbed more than you know as a kid and even sometimes as an adult.

Having a birthday around Xmas was always an excuse for relatives to get cheap on you. When I was a kid my Uncle George showed up for the holiday with a Christmas and a Birthday gift for me. I got a walkie Talkie for my birthday .... Yep ..I got the other as a Xmas gift..

I guess the only thing i can't complain over is the fact that birthdays aren't PC yet. I point this out because all of the PC B.S. is killing the holidays for all of us. All of the traditions we have grown up with are slowly being stripped from our lives because of non denominational people feeling we are infringing on their rights... people..within 10 yrs Dec 25th will just be another work day ...People need to lighten up ..

I was born in this country Dec 24, 1965 and I feel like I have less rights than the people migrating here do now .... go figure!

Damn internet

2005-12-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

OK so this am was a big morning. Maybe not for you but it was for me.. REDSOX TIX WENT ONSALE! Ol Mayday got into the webpage early with the idea that he was going to score SoxPac tix.

SoxPacs are sets of 4 tickets sold in bundles. The problem is the webpage is like standing in line @ f'in ticketmaster! How so? You have to go into this room early and your broswer gets assigned a position in line and refreshes every 30 seconds until your turn.. Close you browser and you lose your place in line.

So got in line for the Sat ticket pac and sat there for the better part of an hour. At some fukkin point my browser window got fukkin CLOSED! Yes you guessed it I lost my place in line and lost out on my F'in tickets....

Next up an hour later on tickemaster Queen/Paul Rodgers tixs went onsale @ 10am! Well I'm happy to report I was lucky enough to get good tickets for this show. This is awesome for me as I've always regarded Brian May's guitar playing very highly and even list him as an influence to some extent. Brian is one of the smartest guitarist of his time. Smart as in not being a flashy guitarist but a guitarist that could play within the bounderies of his band and know what to play Know not only what to play ..but when he shouldn't play..which is one of the hardest things for a guitarist to learn ... As guitarists we all tend to want to cram as much of our talent into a small space and not allow the songs to breath, Brian knew how to let that happen and magically.

Anyway I got my tickets so my Sat morning wasn't a total bust!

~K~

Expectations

2005-12-04T11:46:00.000-05:00

Are we as human beings defined upon our own indivuality or are we defined by others? Something that seems to be such an easy question to answer becomes incredibly complex by virtue of the people that we involve in our lives.

I certainly have my own expectations, desires, goals about who I am or how I want to be perceived. I am generally a giving person who at the drop of a hat will be there when asked. I consider myself to be compassionate, intelliegent and most of all I am not a follower.

On the surface it would seem these traits define who I am and my own expectations of who I want to be, am I correct? Not so fast, when do those expectations get superceeded by the people we allow into our lives be it family, friends etc.

for instance~

I make plans Friday that on Sunday I want to have a peaceful quiet day at home. I've had a rough week and simply feel like I can use the rest. I can always count on my Inlaws deciding after the fact that they want to have a family dinner on that day. It should be relatively simple to just say sorry I cannot make it correct? Not so.. A no will result in hurt feelings and a sign we do not want to be part of the family we are EXPECTED to be available.

We have had days where we have seen my inlaws Sat, Sun and are asked to dinner on a Tuesday. This would even be viewed negatively with a simple sorry can't make it.

My father inlaw loves to get on his motorcyle and "Stop" by in the summer months. No big deal right? Again on the surface it may not be but lets look at the layers. My father in law stops by constantly without ever calling to see if we are home, busy, entertaining or maybe even being intimate. Yet I've been told by him my expectation of him calling makes him feel unwelcome in my home. His expectation of feeling welcome over rides my expectations of my own privacy within my own home.

My Sister, Brother etc....

My Sister has been in and out of my life from the time we met (we are 1/2 siblings by my dad) The last time my sister came back into my life she made the statement that she would ever let me go again. Last Feb for my wive's 40th birthday I invited her friends and family to celebrate by limo to a dinner theatre in Boston. There was a limited amount of room in the limo andat the table in the theatre (12 people tops). This was further restricted by the amount of money I had to spend on the event. By having such a limited amount of resource my best alternative was to have the people closest to my wife attend. This meant HER family 1st, then her friends.

My sister took this as being disloyal to her and has not spoken to me since. Her expecations of me superseeded that of my desire to do something nice and memorable for my wife.

My brother Roy has never really had expectations per'se of me but he has never gone out of his way to make me feel like we were brothers. I guess this has always bothered me a bit as my biggest desire was to have a full family~ To date I am simply alone and an only child... When my brother moved from Mass to Maine his wife mentioned how he misses me and wants me to come up and spend time with them. My brother still works in Mass and during the week lives 5 min from my home yet never calls to get together with me when he has time.

My cousin~

I rarely speak to my cousin and it isn't anything more than our path rarely cross. I heard from her this weekend and she made it a point to tell me she wanted to get together. I told her the only time I would have for this would be after the holidays as Dec is a busy month on the weekends. She wanted to talk to me this day and I hadn't had time so told her when I got cance I'd call. Well to be perfectly honest I forgot to call and she feels as though I am intentionally avoiding her. Not bad considering I only hear from her 2/3 times a year ... So her expectations of my being available to her superceed my expectations to get my Dec chores done for the holidays.

My friend

I have a friend that I've known almost my entire life. He has always taken the high road when it comes to making plans. If I call and ask if he would go see a specific concert or a bike run and he doesn't feel interested then he simply will not do it. The flip side is that if it is something he is interested in doing he gets a bit put off if I say I'm not interested.

so what is the one catalyst in these few stories and believe me I could go all afternoon. Expectations always seem to be of what I can do for others and never what can be important to me. So at what point do my own wants and needs define who I m in other peoples lives? I've gotten to the point with the people in my life that I'm only as good to the as what I have to give and not simply who I am. In doing this I have now hit a crossroad where I am trying to learn to allow myslef to worry about me and not care if others expectations of me are to high...

Enough for now~
~K~

Wow, Thanksgiving morning 2005

2005-11-24T08:35:00.001-05:00

Well I never expected to be blogging anything this morning. I certainly expected to wake up, enjoy a cup of coffee and watch the parade that is the daily thanksgiving ritual for so many.

The difference is that we have awoken to several inches of the first snowfall for the season here. I love the first few snowfalls leading up into Christmas and early Jan and then I have pretty much had enough.

So here we begin Holiday season 2005....