Thursday, August 10, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Roses,Thorns and broken hearts
When you look at a rose you get drawn in by its beauty and what it symbolizes (Love,Friendship etc) The smoothness of the petals, the scent that is emits and the vibrant color all draw us in. Out of natural reaction we reach for the flower unaware of the thorns that hide below such beauty and in a lot of instances we get hurt.
It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...
Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.
2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.
I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.
My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.
The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.
On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..
In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.
My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.
I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.
Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..
When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..
What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.
My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...
I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.
I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....
Jess,
We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.
I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....
Good luck
Dad ..
It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...
Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.
2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.
I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.
My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.
The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.
On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..
In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.
My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.
I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.
Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..
When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..
What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.
My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...
I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.
I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....
Jess,
We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.
I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....
Good luck
Dad ..
Monday, July 31, 2006
people care?
Ever feel used? I seem to have a knack for being the person everyone goes to when they need something. I truly am a giving person and do whatever I can to help out yet I always seem to come up with the short end of the stick. People have no issue with asking or even expecting things from me and I guess being a person who is usually willing to help it is only natural.
My problem seems to have arisen in the fact that after people get what they need from me they go along their merry way blind to my feelings or well being. It gets frustrating because all while I am being generous people live their lives being selfish.
Life was never about personal gain for me so I guess I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and just chalk it up to me being naïve. So what’s the deal with people? Is it truly human nature to just be takers all the time?
My problem seems to have arisen in the fact that after people get what they need from me they go along their merry way blind to my feelings or well being. It gets frustrating because all while I am being generous people live their lives being selfish.
Life was never about personal gain for me so I guess I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and just chalk it up to me being naïve. So what’s the deal with people? Is it truly human nature to just be takers all the time?
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
ipods and mustangs
Man it has been a while huh? It must be due to the summer slow down or the fact that I’ve just not known what to write about lately even though things have been hectic. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that my blog has not been the only stagnant one, seems we are all in the same boat lately ..
Last week I broke down and bought an ipod adapter that interfaces into my car stereo so the stereo controls the ipod. It is really cool but there are bugs that need to be addressed with it. The adapter for whatever reason loses its connection memory and will not find the ipod after you shut the car off. The work around is to unplug the speed volume connector ..
Speed Volume is a function mainly for convertibles where the radio volume gets louder and softer with the speed of the car..this way wind and road noise do not over ride the radio. Seems like an easy enough temporary fix, hell I don’t have a convertible anyway so I unplugged it and it worked like a charm ..
Well ..so I thought .. Next day off to work I went and the ipod started up without issue, I put in my 8 hours for the day. Upon leaving work that way which was a typical mid 90s humidity soaked new england summer day I would get a bit of an eye opener ..
I jumped into a heat filled car started it up and whacked on my ac at full power, off I went …
When I looked down to set my eyes upon the dash board I got the shock .. Every gage light was on in my car, No dash lights were working, no internal directional lights, and worst of all ..no air conditioning .. Ever have a moment of panic? Well I certainly did and all I could think was " Oh crap I fried my computer"
When I got it home I should have just thought to pull the adapter out and see if it corrected itself .. but I set out on a mission hoping I had just blown a fuse or something,.. See I had the dash apart so many damn times I really didn’t feel like pulling it apart again .. When I finally did that it repaired the problem and I redid the ipod adapter 1 last time…. It works great and I can only assume the disconnected cable came in contact with something and caused the mishap ..
Todays lesson … a 2006 mustang dash comes apart rather quickly ….especially when you can do it in your sleep ..
Last week I broke down and bought an ipod adapter that interfaces into my car stereo so the stereo controls the ipod. It is really cool but there are bugs that need to be addressed with it. The adapter for whatever reason loses its connection memory and will not find the ipod after you shut the car off. The work around is to unplug the speed volume connector ..
Speed Volume is a function mainly for convertibles where the radio volume gets louder and softer with the speed of the car..this way wind and road noise do not over ride the radio. Seems like an easy enough temporary fix, hell I don’t have a convertible anyway so I unplugged it and it worked like a charm ..
Well ..so I thought .. Next day off to work I went and the ipod started up without issue, I put in my 8 hours for the day. Upon leaving work that way which was a typical mid 90s humidity soaked new england summer day I would get a bit of an eye opener ..
I jumped into a heat filled car started it up and whacked on my ac at full power, off I went …
When I looked down to set my eyes upon the dash board I got the shock .. Every gage light was on in my car, No dash lights were working, no internal directional lights, and worst of all ..no air conditioning .. Ever have a moment of panic? Well I certainly did and all I could think was " Oh crap I fried my computer"
When I got it home I should have just thought to pull the adapter out and see if it corrected itself .. but I set out on a mission hoping I had just blown a fuse or something,.. See I had the dash apart so many damn times I really didn’t feel like pulling it apart again .. When I finally did that it repaired the problem and I redid the ipod adapter 1 last time…. It works great and I can only assume the disconnected cable came in contact with something and caused the mishap ..
Todays lesson … a 2006 mustang dash comes apart rather quickly ….especially when you can do it in your sleep ..
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Normal
Before I go off on my usual tangent or rant I want to take a second to wish a lot of my friends well.
I really want to wish a happy fathers day to Sully,Annah,Keith and Tim. I hope you all get some quality time with those who have made this day yours..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And away we go!
I've had a lot of time to think over the last week about things and this one theme keeps popping up in my mind over and over again. What exactly is "normal" and how do we not only perceive that but achieve our own sense of it within ourselves.
When young boys are asked what they want to be when they grow up they often respond with being a fireman or a policeman and little girls with doctor or nurse, typical positive role models hopefully. When asked that question looking back on it maybe a good answer would have to just been "Normal"
So what is a sense of normalcy in our own lives vs those that society places on us within our given roles? I remember dealing with a range of emotional issues as a kid and not only feeling out of place in my world but also very abnormal. As a teenager being in an awkward place in life I had got myself to the point where I actually believed there was something deeply wrong with me mentality. This wasn't because I was learning disabled or weird, but more so because I didn't always feel like I belonged where I stood in relation to others in life.. I never felt intelligent even though later in life this would prove to be way off base..
I often sit and think about the human race, peoples perceptions and social advancements over the course of history. It is very apparent that human beings have evolved and grown more intelligent. We as a species have continually evolved to become not only what we are presently but much more advanced for generations to come. In this thinking I have always fallen back on 1 idea that I seem to get stuck on...
"The smarter and more advanced the human race becomes the more fucked up we become!!!"
We look at each other with specific labels, expectations and worst of all judgments. This isn't to say that society doesn't have its share of pariahs, but anything that is deemed different is always boxed and shipped out as a negative thing. The only way we as human beings can continue to evolve is to accept that there are no true boxes when it comes to the human brain.
Everything seems to be negated to black and white, right or wrong yet there is rarely ever a shade of grey when it comes to how we view other people. We are constrained by religion,politics and hatred by people who view difference as not only deviant but wrong.
One of the things in being involved with internet bulletin boards over the last 10 years or so is the richness in not only meeting and interacting with new people, but learning about the values in what makes everyone different.
Difference is not an abnormal thing and it is that individuality that helps each person shape their views and help the human race move forward by thinking outside of the proverbial box.
So why do we judge and allow people to be dictated to for simply being who they are?
Take the case of gay marriage for instance. While I can understand the control of marriage within religion defining a man and a woman specifically for the act of procreation it baffles me to think that it needs to over flow into civil life.
So why can't we extend the box to state that 2 human beings can not only love each other but share in each others lives such that all their possessions and rights are protected by law. I've always believed the constitution was setup in a manner to not infringe on the right of any minority yet we allow the religious right to not only dictate to our spiritual laws but our civil laws as well.. All because they what view as different they are allowed to label as wrong behaviour...
Do we look down on other cultures because they are different or do we fascinate ourselves by learning the richness of others who in fact contribute intellectually,spiritually and artistically to the foundations of the human race ...
I think it is about time we all learn to lose the hatred and just move forward together and worry about our own differences not those of others ...
I really want to wish a happy fathers day to Sully,Annah,Keith and Tim. I hope you all get some quality time with those who have made this day yours..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And away we go!
I've had a lot of time to think over the last week about things and this one theme keeps popping up in my mind over and over again. What exactly is "normal" and how do we not only perceive that but achieve our own sense of it within ourselves.
When young boys are asked what they want to be when they grow up they often respond with being a fireman or a policeman and little girls with doctor or nurse, typical positive role models hopefully. When asked that question looking back on it maybe a good answer would have to just been "Normal"
So what is a sense of normalcy in our own lives vs those that society places on us within our given roles? I remember dealing with a range of emotional issues as a kid and not only feeling out of place in my world but also very abnormal. As a teenager being in an awkward place in life I had got myself to the point where I actually believed there was something deeply wrong with me mentality. This wasn't because I was learning disabled or weird, but more so because I didn't always feel like I belonged where I stood in relation to others in life.. I never felt intelligent even though later in life this would prove to be way off base..
I often sit and think about the human race, peoples perceptions and social advancements over the course of history. It is very apparent that human beings have evolved and grown more intelligent. We as a species have continually evolved to become not only what we are presently but much more advanced for generations to come. In this thinking I have always fallen back on 1 idea that I seem to get stuck on...
"The smarter and more advanced the human race becomes the more fucked up we become!!!"
We look at each other with specific labels, expectations and worst of all judgments. This isn't to say that society doesn't have its share of pariahs, but anything that is deemed different is always boxed and shipped out as a negative thing. The only way we as human beings can continue to evolve is to accept that there are no true boxes when it comes to the human brain.
Everything seems to be negated to black and white, right or wrong yet there is rarely ever a shade of grey when it comes to how we view other people. We are constrained by religion,politics and hatred by people who view difference as not only deviant but wrong.
One of the things in being involved with internet bulletin boards over the last 10 years or so is the richness in not only meeting and interacting with new people, but learning about the values in what makes everyone different.
Difference is not an abnormal thing and it is that individuality that helps each person shape their views and help the human race move forward by thinking outside of the proverbial box.
So why do we judge and allow people to be dictated to for simply being who they are?
Take the case of gay marriage for instance. While I can understand the control of marriage within religion defining a man and a woman specifically for the act of procreation it baffles me to think that it needs to over flow into civil life.
So why can't we extend the box to state that 2 human beings can not only love each other but share in each others lives such that all their possessions and rights are protected by law. I've always believed the constitution was setup in a manner to not infringe on the right of any minority yet we allow the religious right to not only dictate to our spiritual laws but our civil laws as well.. All because they what view as different they are allowed to label as wrong behaviour...
Do we look down on other cultures because they are different or do we fascinate ourselves by learning the richness of others who in fact contribute intellectually,spiritually and artistically to the foundations of the human race ...
I think it is about time we all learn to lose the hatred and just move forward together and worry about our own differences not those of others ...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Family time
Well I haven't posted in a few days but I felt this was a fitting thing to share. Last night I got to spend some quality time with my daughter. This was time that was not only long overdue for the two of us, but time that we couldn't have shared 2 years ago.
It's tough growing apart from the people you love so I really got to enjoy being around her and embracing her time. I'm hoping we are able to steal more of those moments in there future because that short time last night meant the world to me ...
It's tough growing apart from the people you love so I really got to enjoy being around her and embracing her time. I'm hoping we are able to steal more of those moments in there future because that short time last night meant the world to me ...
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Well isn't this fitting ...
| You Are Samuel Adams |
 You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap. You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour. When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions. You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place. |
Thursday, June 01, 2006
New days
With my daughter being home and needing transportation to her job she has been borrowing my wife’s car. Normally I start work at 7am so I’d leave my house around 6:30 am but that’s changed a bit as Diane has been driving in with me and taking my car. Her hours are earlier than mine are so I’ve offset my work schedule to 6 am to 2:15pm so they coincide with hers.
I hate getting up at 5am for work, it is definitely a drain on me but I have to say the positive side of it has been that my work days fly by and I enjoy getting out earlier, especially now that the weather is getting nicer.
Diane had an appointment this am which meant I got to take my car but instead of going in late I find it much easier to maintain the 5am routine so that I’m not messing myself up by doing the old yo yo routine.
This morning was an awesome morning to say the least. As I got to see one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen in quite some time. I was actually bummed out that I didn’t have my camera with me to get a memory of it.
The sun was cresting on the horizon and there were some hazy clouds riding the line between the horizon and the sunrise cutting through ½ of the lower edge of the sun. The sun itself was a magnificent red color and it was so surreal it was almost postcard like.
It is mornings like this that have now started to become enjoyable times for me. In the past I would have gone about in my grumpy unhappy manner not paying ½ a mind to things but now the beauty of the morning is something I’m able to savor and enjoy, boy how times change.
Funny how I’d never noticed it in the manner I could today …
I hate getting up at 5am for work, it is definitely a drain on me but I have to say the positive side of it has been that my work days fly by and I enjoy getting out earlier, especially now that the weather is getting nicer.
Diane had an appointment this am which meant I got to take my car but instead of going in late I find it much easier to maintain the 5am routine so that I’m not messing myself up by doing the old yo yo routine.
This morning was an awesome morning to say the least. As I got to see one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen in quite some time. I was actually bummed out that I didn’t have my camera with me to get a memory of it.
The sun was cresting on the horizon and there were some hazy clouds riding the line between the horizon and the sunrise cutting through ½ of the lower edge of the sun. The sun itself was a magnificent red color and it was so surreal it was almost postcard like.
It is mornings like this that have now started to become enjoyable times for me. In the past I would have gone about in my grumpy unhappy manner not paying ½ a mind to things but now the beauty of the morning is something I’m able to savor and enjoy, boy how times change.
Funny how I’d never noticed it in the manner I could today …
Saturday, May 27, 2006
ok.. where are you stuck
You scored as Heavy. You are 80s Heavy Metal, rock on!!
What metal stereotype are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Friday, May 26, 2006
Night to day, Tomorrow and tonights
I'm not sure when it actually happens but one day you look at your children and you finally see signs of maturity and an adult. Don't get me wrong, I still look at my daughter and see my little girl but our daily interactions have changed so much
I remember when she was young I so loved to be around her, watch her grow and most of all tease her. I don't know how she perceived being teased by me but the fact is that it was one of my ways of trying to show love. This was pretty much how I had grown up.
Case in point...
Jess had become interested in organized baseball so we signed her up for teeball. She did her first year and the second year I actually was lucky enough to be chosen to coach her team. Tee ball in our home town was anything but ..They never hit off of a tee back then ..We pitched a soft ball to them..
I grew up loving the sport of baseball, playing and watching the redsox so it was definetly nice to have an interest to share with her. We would go out in the yard an throw the ball around and I would always tease her ..
Jessica would wind up and toss me the ball and I would yell back ..YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL!! this would almost always illict the response "I DO NOT" in and almost upset voice. I don't remember when it changed but one day we went through our routine and the resonse was different ...
But Dad ..... I am a girl ...
I knew my daughter was growing ..She was actually reasoning with me over what I had said ..
Days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years it is just a part of life. As she turned into her teens that little girl that was the apple of my eye and slowly become an ememy of the republic.. And we spent the better part of her teenage years fighting with each other.
It wasn't always her fault, a lot of times it was due to my own struggles with life but it was anything but the relationship we once had.. The one I had really missed ...
Recently my daughter has moved back home due to personal issues. We have been able to have a lot of conversations and she is back to the person that I missed so much . Caring and fun to be around but most of all she is reasoning with life now and trying to make better decisions for herself. I'm proud of where she has grown in her life now and how we are able to have conversations that show love and respect again ..
I'm looking forward to watching her continue to mature, better herself and watch her grow into the woman and mother I know she is able to be. Most of all I look forward to the day where she is able to watch her children mature and be proud of not only them but what she has accomplished in life...
I remember when she was young I so loved to be around her, watch her grow and most of all tease her. I don't know how she perceived being teased by me but the fact is that it was one of my ways of trying to show love. This was pretty much how I had grown up.
Case in point...
Jess had become interested in organized baseball so we signed her up for teeball. She did her first year and the second year I actually was lucky enough to be chosen to coach her team. Tee ball in our home town was anything but ..They never hit off of a tee back then ..We pitched a soft ball to them..
I grew up loving the sport of baseball, playing and watching the redsox so it was definetly nice to have an interest to share with her. We would go out in the yard an throw the ball around and I would always tease her ..
Jessica would wind up and toss me the ball and I would yell back ..YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL!! this would almost always illict the response "I DO NOT" in and almost upset voice. I don't remember when it changed but one day we went through our routine and the resonse was different ...
But Dad ..... I am a girl ...
I knew my daughter was growing ..She was actually reasoning with me over what I had said ..
Days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years it is just a part of life. As she turned into her teens that little girl that was the apple of my eye and slowly become an ememy of the republic.. And we spent the better part of her teenage years fighting with each other.
It wasn't always her fault, a lot of times it was due to my own struggles with life but it was anything but the relationship we once had.. The one I had really missed ...
Recently my daughter has moved back home due to personal issues. We have been able to have a lot of conversations and she is back to the person that I missed so much . Caring and fun to be around but most of all she is reasoning with life now and trying to make better decisions for herself. I'm proud of where she has grown in her life now and how we are able to have conversations that show love and respect again ..
I'm looking forward to watching her continue to mature, better herself and watch her grow into the woman and mother I know she is able to be. Most of all I look forward to the day where she is able to watch her children mature and be proud of not only them but what she has accomplished in life...
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
B day has arrived
Well here it is .. B-day our version of D-day I guess ..LOL ..
May 21st 1985 1:08 am a 19 inch 6 lb 8 oz baby girl came into our lives. Today, like all of us is a big milestone for her as she is officially an adult and able to do whatever she wishes (IE: Have an alcoholic beverage) While I'm sure she has probably done that many times illegally this is at least legitimate.
So our plan for today is to pick Jessica up and hopefully give her that tattoo she has always wanted. Yes beleive it or not mom and dad are buying her first tattoo. The idea was for both mother and daughter to get them together and have somewhat of a special memory left. After we leave the studio we are headed to the Texas Road House for an early dinner and a drink together...
We haven't had much time with our daughter over the last few years. She spent some time living in Florida and even now pretty much spends all her time with her B.F. At times it bothers us that we feel a bit forgotten but we try and understand she is spreading her wings. Needless to say Diane and I have been REALLY looking forward to having a few hours of her time today and have been dying for it to get here.... Hopefully it will be an awesome day ...
Happy Birthday Jess ...
Mom and Dad ..
May 21st 1985 1:08 am a 19 inch 6 lb 8 oz baby girl came into our lives. Today, like all of us is a big milestone for her as she is officially an adult and able to do whatever she wishes (IE: Have an alcoholic beverage) While I'm sure she has probably done that many times illegally this is at least legitimate.
So our plan for today is to pick Jessica up and hopefully give her that tattoo she has always wanted. Yes beleive it or not mom and dad are buying her first tattoo. The idea was for both mother and daughter to get them together and have somewhat of a special memory left. After we leave the studio we are headed to the Texas Road House for an early dinner and a drink together...
We haven't had much time with our daughter over the last few years. She spent some time living in Florida and even now pretty much spends all her time with her B.F. At times it bothers us that we feel a bit forgotten but we try and understand she is spreading her wings. Needless to say Diane and I have been REALLY looking forward to having a few hours of her time today and have been dying for it to get here.... Hopefully it will be an awesome day ...
Happy Birthday Jess ...
Mom and Dad ..
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Damp days
Well today is mother's day and we are currently in our 2nd week of rain straight. The weatherman says it will slowly (VERY SLOW) start drying out this week but apparently it will remain shitty all week.
We went to do our grocery shopping this am like old people do on Sunday and a lot of the roads or washed over from the rivers,ponds,streams and marshes up here. There wasn't many ways to go without going through a mini river on the road. Apparently we have received 5" of rain in the last 24 hours with another 2-4 expected today ..I have to admit it's friggin nuts..
Jess called to take her mom to lunch and I'm sitting here listening to the rain and I'm going to transfer the Ratt behind the music to DVD in a sec. That show touched a lot of people from the JCF this week because of the Jackson/Charvel ties to the band but mainly due to "The King" Robbin Crosby. I have to admit after I watched it it stirred some pretty deep emotion ..
To say it has been a good weekend would be a load of BS but it hasn't been a bad one either. We had some family issues that affected us and some personal issues for me popped up. It isn't normally something I would mention but a very good friend of mind stepped to the plate this weekend and showed me what true friendship is all about. I would take 1 friend like that over every aquaintence I've known in my life. I won't say in this writing what it is all about other than to say it is a very deep issue for me and my buddy showed a lot of concern for my well being and made sure I'd know he'd be there for me.. (Thanks dude)
Annah's first gig with her new band (http://www.ignitor.org) was last night and she has yet to post about how it went. Several of us are so stoked for her over this new chance that we are all very proud. .. Congrat's Annah..
Em's been picked to be a highlighted artist on unsigned mp3.com (http://www.mp3unsigned.com/) again someone we are all proud of and wish her myriads of success ... You go Em...Congrats
If you have read my journal entries about my daughter I sincerly appeciate it. It was a good purge to actually put it in writing and while I touched very deeply on the story I didn't add everything.. that's something I'm keeping for us ...
Hope your weekend is going well and your staying dry ..
Latah
We went to do our grocery shopping this am like old people do on Sunday and a lot of the roads or washed over from the rivers,ponds,streams and marshes up here. There wasn't many ways to go without going through a mini river on the road. Apparently we have received 5" of rain in the last 24 hours with another 2-4 expected today ..I have to admit it's friggin nuts..
Jess called to take her mom to lunch and I'm sitting here listening to the rain and I'm going to transfer the Ratt behind the music to DVD in a sec. That show touched a lot of people from the JCF this week because of the Jackson/Charvel ties to the band but mainly due to "The King" Robbin Crosby. I have to admit after I watched it it stirred some pretty deep emotion ..
To say it has been a good weekend would be a load of BS but it hasn't been a bad one either. We had some family issues that affected us and some personal issues for me popped up. It isn't normally something I would mention but a very good friend of mind stepped to the plate this weekend and showed me what true friendship is all about. I would take 1 friend like that over every aquaintence I've known in my life. I won't say in this writing what it is all about other than to say it is a very deep issue for me and my buddy showed a lot of concern for my well being and made sure I'd know he'd be there for me.. (Thanks dude)
Annah's first gig with her new band (http://www.ignitor.org) was last night and she has yet to post about how it went. Several of us are so stoked for her over this new chance that we are all very proud. .. Congrat's Annah..
Em's been picked to be a highlighted artist on unsigned mp3.com (http://www.mp3unsigned.com/) again someone we are all proud of and wish her myriads of success ... You go Em...Congrats
If you have read my journal entries about my daughter I sincerly appeciate it. It was a good purge to actually put it in writing and while I touched very deeply on the story I didn't add everything.. that's something I'm keeping for us ...
Hope your weekend is going well and your staying dry ..
Latah
Friday, May 12, 2006
Winding Roads V
May 21st 1985 1:08 am Holy Family hospital 6lbs 8 oz 19 inches long and healthy ..
After casting my eyes into the chamber the held my daughter I had gotten a request from the nurse to go to my wife still in the delivery room. She seemed to be doing well and they were tending to the final stages of taking care of her from the delivery. The labor had gone so fast she didn't have time to remember anything and in fact had gotten an epi which never even had time to take effect.
By the time we had gotten her settled into her room it had gotten late, she was exhausted and needed some rest and I needed to tend to some things. I left the hospital that morning at 6am still uncertain about our future with the baby and on a mission. Against my wife's wishes I had gone to her job to let them know and make a phonecall to her mother and father. I vividly remember that morning my now mother in law answering the phone and I simply said Diane is at the hospital, you have a grand daughter and you have the right to go see them and I hung up the phone.
After tying up some loose ends, heading home for a shower and some quick shut eye that morning I headed back to Holy Family to see Diane and discuss some ulterior motives. When I got there my focus was on trying to get Diane to agree to take the baby instead of giving it up with the intent that if she refused I would attempt to invoke my parental right as the father and raise her myself.
We never got that far in the discussion for whatever reason that morning ...Diane easily agreed that we would try and build a family and do the best we could with the circumstances. We were definitely in this together. We started discussing what we would like our new daughter to be called and my 2 favorite Choices Were Jessica Ann or Melissa. Diane readily jumped on Jessica Ann Maynard and were now a family. The problem we hadn't planned for was the fact that the process of parental termination was already being taken care of by the State of Massachusetts in accordance with Dianes original request and what was tom come would be a nightmare.
In an odd twist in the room next door to us was my neighbor from my Moms house who had just had a baby of her own and apparently word spread quickly that baby Maynard was being put up for adoption. It was a long day that day and Dianes family did show up at the hospital, spent a bit of time with her and I did my best that day to avoid them at all costs. They didn't like me and I didn't look favorably on them back then so it was best for me to hang in the background. Later that night I bid Diane a good night and some friends took me out to celebrate the good news.
I'm not sure what time of the morning it was, but a call came from my Mom and she was not happy with me. She had finally heard we had a baby and through the next door neighbor heard the plans of it being put up for adoption. To say she was irate with me would be the understatement of the year but looking back on it now, no matter what the decision back then it was simply none of her business. I explained to her that Diane and I had decided to keep the baby and raise it.
She met me at the hospital the next morning to meet her new grandaughter and hold her for the first time. When we got upstairs I was not prepared for what was about to transpire. Because Diane had set the wheels in motion to surrender Jessica the Dept of Social services was there with the legal paperwork to take custody. I was brought into a room and told I needed to sign my parental rights away to which I refused. When I was asked why I was refusing I explained that we had decided to keep our child and that did not sit well with social services.
SS tried to discourage me from using my legal rights telling me I was not ready to handle a baby and I needed to do the best for the child. When the realized they were not getting any closer the tried a new route which was to ask for temporary custody. They tried to explain that if I signed over temporary custody it would give me time to get things in order at home to have a baby and I knew that if I signed anything ... I'd never see my daughter again ...
I’ve not always gotten on well with my Mom. She's been verbally and mentally abusive to me my whole life due to her own issues but that is another story for another time. It was what took place at that moment, that would not only floor me but is something I cannot ever take away from her. My mother stepped forward and offered to provide us with everything Jessica needed to come home, effective stopping DSS in their tracks.. And she did,
I've not always agreed with the things my mom did but that is one of the positive things that I can look back on with gratitude and pride.
DSS, would go on to make our lives miserable for the next 3 years. Every week there would be surprise visits supervised doctor’s appointments etc etc etc. They were like dealing with organized crime over 1 decision that I had the legal right to make.
I guess by now this writing is probably a bit transparent but I'll point it out anyway. May 21'st of this month will be my daughter Jessica's 21st birthday and it was a source of inspiration for detailing the way she came into this world. I haven't always been the best of fathers or parents but I've done everything I could out of love of my child to give her the best opportunity I was able. I've not always agreed with her choices and god knows we have had some horrible fights in our relationship but the one thing I can honestly say in the end is that I love my daughter with all my heart. She enriched my life and changed me in a direction that has probably saved my life many times..
Happy B'day Jess ...
Love Dad
After casting my eyes into the chamber the held my daughter I had gotten a request from the nurse to go to my wife still in the delivery room. She seemed to be doing well and they were tending to the final stages of taking care of her from the delivery. The labor had gone so fast she didn't have time to remember anything and in fact had gotten an epi which never even had time to take effect.
By the time we had gotten her settled into her room it had gotten late, she was exhausted and needed some rest and I needed to tend to some things. I left the hospital that morning at 6am still uncertain about our future with the baby and on a mission. Against my wife's wishes I had gone to her job to let them know and make a phonecall to her mother and father. I vividly remember that morning my now mother in law answering the phone and I simply said Diane is at the hospital, you have a grand daughter and you have the right to go see them and I hung up the phone.
After tying up some loose ends, heading home for a shower and some quick shut eye that morning I headed back to Holy Family to see Diane and discuss some ulterior motives. When I got there my focus was on trying to get Diane to agree to take the baby instead of giving it up with the intent that if she refused I would attempt to invoke my parental right as the father and raise her myself.
We never got that far in the discussion for whatever reason that morning ...Diane easily agreed that we would try and build a family and do the best we could with the circumstances. We were definitely in this together. We started discussing what we would like our new daughter to be called and my 2 favorite Choices Were Jessica Ann or Melissa. Diane readily jumped on Jessica Ann Maynard and were now a family. The problem we hadn't planned for was the fact that the process of parental termination was already being taken care of by the State of Massachusetts in accordance with Dianes original request and what was tom come would be a nightmare.
In an odd twist in the room next door to us was my neighbor from my Moms house who had just had a baby of her own and apparently word spread quickly that baby Maynard was being put up for adoption. It was a long day that day and Dianes family did show up at the hospital, spent a bit of time with her and I did my best that day to avoid them at all costs. They didn't like me and I didn't look favorably on them back then so it was best for me to hang in the background. Later that night I bid Diane a good night and some friends took me out to celebrate the good news.
I'm not sure what time of the morning it was, but a call came from my Mom and she was not happy with me. She had finally heard we had a baby and through the next door neighbor heard the plans of it being put up for adoption. To say she was irate with me would be the understatement of the year but looking back on it now, no matter what the decision back then it was simply none of her business. I explained to her that Diane and I had decided to keep the baby and raise it.
She met me at the hospital the next morning to meet her new grandaughter and hold her for the first time. When we got upstairs I was not prepared for what was about to transpire. Because Diane had set the wheels in motion to surrender Jessica the Dept of Social services was there with the legal paperwork to take custody. I was brought into a room and told I needed to sign my parental rights away to which I refused. When I was asked why I was refusing I explained that we had decided to keep our child and that did not sit well with social services.
SS tried to discourage me from using my legal rights telling me I was not ready to handle a baby and I needed to do the best for the child. When the realized they were not getting any closer the tried a new route which was to ask for temporary custody. They tried to explain that if I signed over temporary custody it would give me time to get things in order at home to have a baby and I knew that if I signed anything ... I'd never see my daughter again ...
I’ve not always gotten on well with my Mom. She's been verbally and mentally abusive to me my whole life due to her own issues but that is another story for another time. It was what took place at that moment, that would not only floor me but is something I cannot ever take away from her. My mother stepped forward and offered to provide us with everything Jessica needed to come home, effective stopping DSS in their tracks.. And she did,
I've not always agreed with the things my mom did but that is one of the positive things that I can look back on with gratitude and pride.
DSS, would go on to make our lives miserable for the next 3 years. Every week there would be surprise visits supervised doctor’s appointments etc etc etc. They were like dealing with organized crime over 1 decision that I had the legal right to make.
I guess by now this writing is probably a bit transparent but I'll point it out anyway. May 21'st of this month will be my daughter Jessica's 21st birthday and it was a source of inspiration for detailing the way she came into this world. I haven't always been the best of fathers or parents but I've done everything I could out of love of my child to give her the best opportunity I was able. I've not always agreed with her choices and god knows we have had some horrible fights in our relationship but the one thing I can honestly say in the end is that I love my daughter with all my heart. She enriched my life and changed me in a direction that has probably saved my life many times..
Happy B'day Jess ...
Love Dad
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Winding Roads IV
By May of that year not much had changed with the decisions over the baby and Diane hadn’t seen her parents in close to 3 months. Being a new couple living together was certainly different for both of us and even more challenging without having a car to rely on.
The saving grace for us was the fact that while the neighborhood wasn’t the best place to be living it was quite centralized to the things we needed. . Within walking distance we all sorts of daily amenities from food and groceries to a Laundromat.
All best estimations from the doctor was to put the delivery of the baby into late June early July and without my knowing a whole lot a great deal of the arrangements had already been taken care of.
May 20th was a day pretty much like any other as we both set out to work and go about our daily routines but the funny thing would be this day wouldn’t be routine by any means. I know that sounds so cliché but it’s funny how true that would be. It was a normal busy workday nothing out of the ordinary by any means.
Later that night Diane had complained about having a slight backache at work and decided to go to bed a bit early. I think it was around 8-9pm if I remember correctly.
Close to midnight Diane had gotten some really serious back spasms and I got very concerned. I didn’t know what to do about, hell I was only 19 .. So I called my sister and while on the phone she heard Diane let out one obnoxious scream. I swear she didn’t miss a step and said I’ll be right over. I had no idea what was going on but apparently my sister did ..
When Tammy arrived she had told me we were taking Diane to the hospital and there was some concern in her voice but she never let on as to what it was. We had a bitch of a time getting Diane into the car as her pain was so bad she couldn’t easily bend.
By the time we hit the hospital everything was moving quickly. They came out put her in a wheelchair and started up towards the upper floor. The nurse that was helping told me I would have to go check her in and my sister was going to park her car. I remember saying to the nurse ,,well she isn’t due for a month so this must be false labor right? Um ..nope ..she is having the baby ..
Diane went one way and I went the other to check her in scared to death and wondering what was going on. I met up with my sister in the hall and headed up to the maternity ward and I was directed into a waiting room where a nurse would come speak with me.
Tammy helped calm me down and get me situated and needed to go call home to let her new husband know we were ok. She had no sooner walked out of the room when the most bizarre part of the story happened. A nurse walked into the room and asked if I would like to see my daughter. I remember looking around the room trying to see if there was someone else who I hadn’t noticed. It was only me ..
You’re Mr Maynard right? She asked and I nodded .. your daughter is her n the hallway if you would like to see her. To say it was a speedy delivery would most certainly be an understatement. We arrived at the Holy Family Hospital at just about midnight and the baby was born at 1:08 am on May 21st 1985. In a little more than an hour so much had taken place and I’ve heard most women have labors in the tens of hours..
The timeline had happened so quickly that I had not had time to do anything. Shortly after casting my eyes on my daughter I knew I had to try and do what was right ..I just didn’t know how …..
The saving grace for us was the fact that while the neighborhood wasn’t the best place to be living it was quite centralized to the things we needed. . Within walking distance we all sorts of daily amenities from food and groceries to a Laundromat.
All best estimations from the doctor was to put the delivery of the baby into late June early July and without my knowing a whole lot a great deal of the arrangements had already been taken care of.
May 20th was a day pretty much like any other as we both set out to work and go about our daily routines but the funny thing would be this day wouldn’t be routine by any means. I know that sounds so cliché but it’s funny how true that would be. It was a normal busy workday nothing out of the ordinary by any means.
Later that night Diane had complained about having a slight backache at work and decided to go to bed a bit early. I think it was around 8-9pm if I remember correctly.
Close to midnight Diane had gotten some really serious back spasms and I got very concerned. I didn’t know what to do about, hell I was only 19 .. So I called my sister and while on the phone she heard Diane let out one obnoxious scream. I swear she didn’t miss a step and said I’ll be right over. I had no idea what was going on but apparently my sister did ..
When Tammy arrived she had told me we were taking Diane to the hospital and there was some concern in her voice but she never let on as to what it was. We had a bitch of a time getting Diane into the car as her pain was so bad she couldn’t easily bend.
By the time we hit the hospital everything was moving quickly. They came out put her in a wheelchair and started up towards the upper floor. The nurse that was helping told me I would have to go check her in and my sister was going to park her car. I remember saying to the nurse ,,well she isn’t due for a month so this must be false labor right? Um ..nope ..she is having the baby ..
Diane went one way and I went the other to check her in scared to death and wondering what was going on. I met up with my sister in the hall and headed up to the maternity ward and I was directed into a waiting room where a nurse would come speak with me.
Tammy helped calm me down and get me situated and needed to go call home to let her new husband know we were ok. She had no sooner walked out of the room when the most bizarre part of the story happened. A nurse walked into the room and asked if I would like to see my daughter. I remember looking around the room trying to see if there was someone else who I hadn’t noticed. It was only me ..
You’re Mr Maynard right? She asked and I nodded .. your daughter is her n the hallway if you would like to see her. To say it was a speedy delivery would most certainly be an understatement. We arrived at the Holy Family Hospital at just about midnight and the baby was born at 1:08 am on May 21st 1985. In a little more than an hour so much had taken place and I’ve heard most women have labors in the tens of hours..
The timeline had happened so quickly that I had not had time to do anything. Shortly after casting my eyes on my daughter I knew I had to try and do what was right ..I just didn’t know how …..
Monday, May 08, 2006
Winding Roads III
By March we were getting settles into each others habits and routines and while it wasn’t the best of situations to be in at the age of 19, it was certainly new for the 2 of us. Looking back on it now seeing myself at that age I now understand just how young I really was in the grand plan of life.
Somewhere around the middle of March there was a knock at our door. When I questioned who was on the other end of the knock the answer was in a deep stern voice “Methuen Police”. Without hesitation I assumed it was a god friend of mine but when I opened the door I would not have been more wrong.
At this point let me say that I understand I shouldn’t have to defend myself and my character speaks volumes of who I am to those who know me. To date I have no police record, I have never been arrested or detained in any way shape or form. In 24 years I have a total of 2 moving violations and 2 warnings and those were back when I was a teenager. I have never done drugs or tried them…nope not even WEED ..
So suffice to say every time this has happened it leaves me bewildered how someone can so easily abuse the legal system as such. Mom always had a way to try an punish me emotionally and this would be no different. The police had the 2nd, (Yes 2nd) restraining order for me. I had one previously a year before when I got tossed out the first time and was living with my ½ sisters.
I’ve never placed a hand on my mom in anger and I have never ever threatened her. It’s not even on record, yet time and time again the state of Massachusetts goes on the word of the women. I can’t say I blame them but it was always without merit and done to fuck with my emotions ..no more no less. I had a police officer tell me later that they would rather give out 100 and be wrong 100 times than to no do it and be wrong. I certainly understand the logic but in today’s society a piece of paper does nothing to stop abuse and in most cases that become public.. murders ..
My relationship with my mom had always been one of control and fear by her. I can’t say I don’t love my mom because I’d be lying ..it is my mom after all. Things would come to light later in life that would make me understand a bit better albeit I still would agree or be happy about it. I grew up in a household of abuse but I never understood that or realized it until later in life. I’m now learning about the affects it has had on my life and how I’ve tried not to deal with personal problems.
My whole life has been a quest to have people around me I love but I’ve learned that it isn’t possible. At least not in my situation. I’ve dealt with abandonment from my Dad, Mom my ½ siblings etc etc. This had not only been an issue early on but it is something that I deal with today and has done incredible damage to be own well being and self worth at times. This was also a lesson I wanted to correct in being there for my unborn child but sadly I wasn’t being allowed to make that decision for myself which was a huge frustration to me.
Not many people are faced ahead of time wondering those questions that would plaque us later in life. What would my child be like at 18? Would they have a good life? Would they hate me for not fighting harder to keep them. For me the biggest thing was to defeat that fear of abandonment and have someone in my life who I could not only love and be responsible for but they would be my family unconditionally and give me a reason to go on.
I’ve tried my best to live a life of doing my best by others and for the most part I believe I have lived up to that as best as I could be. I’ve never done right by myself and the things I needed to do to be happier. I’ve recently had someone point out to me that I am a people pleaser and I guess that could be a true label .
I won’t say I’ve ever tried to commit suicide as I’ve never had the gun in my mouth but there have been a lot of times in my life where I’ve contemplated it and come close to making that more. The thing that keeps me is the fear of the unknown so I guess in that instance fear is a good thing. There were many times during those early days I felt I’d be better off but the desire to be there for my child was greater than any other negative that could have pushed me to that.
Somewhere around the middle of March there was a knock at our door. When I questioned who was on the other end of the knock the answer was in a deep stern voice “Methuen Police”. Without hesitation I assumed it was a god friend of mine but when I opened the door I would not have been more wrong.
At this point let me say that I understand I shouldn’t have to defend myself and my character speaks volumes of who I am to those who know me. To date I have no police record, I have never been arrested or detained in any way shape or form. In 24 years I have a total of 2 moving violations and 2 warnings and those were back when I was a teenager. I have never done drugs or tried them…nope not even WEED ..
So suffice to say every time this has happened it leaves me bewildered how someone can so easily abuse the legal system as such. Mom always had a way to try an punish me emotionally and this would be no different. The police had the 2nd, (Yes 2nd) restraining order for me. I had one previously a year before when I got tossed out the first time and was living with my ½ sisters.
I’ve never placed a hand on my mom in anger and I have never ever threatened her. It’s not even on record, yet time and time again the state of Massachusetts goes on the word of the women. I can’t say I blame them but it was always without merit and done to fuck with my emotions ..no more no less. I had a police officer tell me later that they would rather give out 100 and be wrong 100 times than to no do it and be wrong. I certainly understand the logic but in today’s society a piece of paper does nothing to stop abuse and in most cases that become public.. murders ..
My relationship with my mom had always been one of control and fear by her. I can’t say I don’t love my mom because I’d be lying ..it is my mom after all. Things would come to light later in life that would make me understand a bit better albeit I still would agree or be happy about it. I grew up in a household of abuse but I never understood that or realized it until later in life. I’m now learning about the affects it has had on my life and how I’ve tried not to deal with personal problems.
My whole life has been a quest to have people around me I love but I’ve learned that it isn’t possible. At least not in my situation. I’ve dealt with abandonment from my Dad, Mom my ½ siblings etc etc. This had not only been an issue early on but it is something that I deal with today and has done incredible damage to be own well being and self worth at times. This was also a lesson I wanted to correct in being there for my unborn child but sadly I wasn’t being allowed to make that decision for myself which was a huge frustration to me.
Not many people are faced ahead of time wondering those questions that would plaque us later in life. What would my child be like at 18? Would they have a good life? Would they hate me for not fighting harder to keep them. For me the biggest thing was to defeat that fear of abandonment and have someone in my life who I could not only love and be responsible for but they would be my family unconditionally and give me a reason to go on.
I’ve tried my best to live a life of doing my best by others and for the most part I believe I have lived up to that as best as I could be. I’ve never done right by myself and the things I needed to do to be happier. I’ve recently had someone point out to me that I am a people pleaser and I guess that could be a true label .
I won’t say I’ve ever tried to commit suicide as I’ve never had the gun in my mouth but there have been a lot of times in my life where I’ve contemplated it and come close to making that more. The thing that keeps me is the fear of the unknown so I guess in that instance fear is a good thing. There were many times during those early days I felt I’d be better off but the desire to be there for my child was greater than any other negative that could have pushed me to that.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Inspiration
Where do you find inspiration? Is it in the giggles of your children?The eyes of your lover? How about that song that gets your adrenalin pumping or could it be something as simple as a sunset.
I guess it doesn't matter exactly where we find it as long as we allow it it enrich us and strive to be better or simply helps us to enjoy the day with a smile.
I had a hard time with inspiration for so many years. That isn't to say that I was never inspired by anything, certain musicians influenced me to pick up the guitar but I couldn't find it in the simplest of things.
Over the last 6-9 months I've been on my own journey in life trying to find myself and work on the things that have been suppressing that inspiration. The nice thing is I'm slowly starting to see the beauty in each day and the people that matter the most to me, for the first time in my life I'm slowly finding consistent happiness. For me that has been a sporadic thing dependent upon how busy I kept my life and buried my inner feelings down deep.
I'm working who I need to be in life now, I guess when the children are gone our inner self needs to become the focus and that it has for me. I'm truly inspired by each day and thankful for what it is starting to bring me ...
When I wake up in the morning it could be the smile of my wife looking back at me or the sound of the birds. It can be the humor of the dog chasing the cat through the house or the Redsox game on my TV. The inner creator in me is beginning to feel that in my playing guitar again for the first time in years and it is a part of my life that I've deeply missed.
Everyday I get on the web and find inspiration and here's a few that stand out for me ..
My buddy Sully...
Even in the crappiest of times the thing that always rings true is his humor and his insatiable appetite for coining the latest JCF catch phrase.
Emily..
I admire your free spirited nature and your love of your family...
Annah..
Your drive and determination to be who you are and not allowing anyone to take that away, but most of all doing it in a manner you can Be proud of and make no apologies for..
Cat ..
The fact that no matter how hard you get kicked in the ass you are determined to beat it...
Smoking Chad "Chewbacca""Ash
Another humor driven individual but most of all someone who can see through all the Bullshit to the true meanings of things.
These are just a few observations and maybe they don't mean anything to anyone else. Maybe somebody will say ..fuck yeah and agree.. who knows that is the nice part of finding inspirations in things,, it is truly yours and only yours ..
Hope all of you are able to find your inspirations everyday.....
I guess it doesn't matter exactly where we find it as long as we allow it it enrich us and strive to be better or simply helps us to enjoy the day with a smile.
I had a hard time with inspiration for so many years. That isn't to say that I was never inspired by anything, certain musicians influenced me to pick up the guitar but I couldn't find it in the simplest of things.
Over the last 6-9 months I've been on my own journey in life trying to find myself and work on the things that have been suppressing that inspiration. The nice thing is I'm slowly starting to see the beauty in each day and the people that matter the most to me, for the first time in my life I'm slowly finding consistent happiness. For me that has been a sporadic thing dependent upon how busy I kept my life and buried my inner feelings down deep.
I'm working who I need to be in life now, I guess when the children are gone our inner self needs to become the focus and that it has for me. I'm truly inspired by each day and thankful for what it is starting to bring me ...
When I wake up in the morning it could be the smile of my wife looking back at me or the sound of the birds. It can be the humor of the dog chasing the cat through the house or the Redsox game on my TV. The inner creator in me is beginning to feel that in my playing guitar again for the first time in years and it is a part of my life that I've deeply missed.
Everyday I get on the web and find inspiration and here's a few that stand out for me ..
My buddy Sully...
Even in the crappiest of times the thing that always rings true is his humor and his insatiable appetite for coining the latest JCF catch phrase.
Emily..
I admire your free spirited nature and your love of your family...
Annah..
Your drive and determination to be who you are and not allowing anyone to take that away, but most of all doing it in a manner you can Be proud of and make no apologies for..
Cat ..
The fact that no matter how hard you get kicked in the ass you are determined to beat it...
Smoking Chad "Chewbacca""Ash
Another humor driven individual but most of all someone who can see through all the Bullshit to the true meanings of things.
These are just a few observations and maybe they don't mean anything to anyone else. Maybe somebody will say ..fuck yeah and agree.. who knows that is the nice part of finding inspirations in things,, it is truly yours and only yours ..
Hope all of you are able to find your inspirations everyday.....
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Winding Roads II
I can’t honestly say being out on our own under those conditions was easy, but we always did the best we could. I grew up inner city middle class as a kid and Diane’s upbringing wasn’t much different. It was tough to grow up middle class and suddenly become poor…
We didn’t have a thing to our names, No car, furniture, towels, plates ..not a thing and worst of all we had no money to get the basics. We scraped by just to get the money for our first apartment that even the security deposit was a promise of payment.
I can’t say it was the best of situations looking back on it but the things we had going for us was the fact that we had each other and we didn’t have great home lives. I won’t discuss much of my upbringing in this writing other than to say that I still suffer the affects of it to this day.
The apartment we settled on was in a really poor section of our town and somewhere I wouldn’t feel safe walking around today. We had gotten ourselves a little 1 bedroom studio where the dining, kitchen and living room we pretty much 1 room. It wasn’t much as I stated but it was ours.
During that time I had made the assumption that Diane could be convinced to keep the baby but given the circumstance she knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent. She still had it set in her mind that the baby would be better suited to someone who could provide it with a more stabile life.
Diane was never much of a motherly type because of her own upbringing and her own bad experiences so it was a very natural decision for her to try and do the best for the baby as well as her own future. The one thing we were lucky in all the turmoil was some very dear friends of ours who very graciously helped set us up in our apartment with essentials, To this day those people hold a very special place in my heart for their generosity…
In her visits to the Doctor she had made the arrangements for the adoption process and for the state of Massachusetts to take custody upon birth. I remember nights during those months lying in bed next to her trying to convince her we were able to raise a child together but she was dead set in her decision.
The only person I had to turn too beyond a few friends was my ½ sister Tammy at that time. My dad had been married 3 times in his life and I was the product of his 2nd marriage and was raised as an only child. His 1st marriage yielded a total of 4 children before he had moved on to my mom. I can’t say we knew much about each other as we weren’t raised together but when I met my sister Tammy for a brief time we hit it off very well. Tammy was a few years older than I was and I was 17 when we finally got to know each other. She had been a mother at the age of 16 so she knew full well what I was dealing with.
We did the best we could with little support and no money ..there were days we had a hard time just being able to feed ourselves. Our only saving grace at that point was working for Burger King so we had some means of getting by however small that was….
We didn’t have a thing to our names, No car, furniture, towels, plates ..not a thing and worst of all we had no money to get the basics. We scraped by just to get the money for our first apartment that even the security deposit was a promise of payment.
I can’t say it was the best of situations looking back on it but the things we had going for us was the fact that we had each other and we didn’t have great home lives. I won’t discuss much of my upbringing in this writing other than to say that I still suffer the affects of it to this day.
The apartment we settled on was in a really poor section of our town and somewhere I wouldn’t feel safe walking around today. We had gotten ourselves a little 1 bedroom studio where the dining, kitchen and living room we pretty much 1 room. It wasn’t much as I stated but it was ours.
During that time I had made the assumption that Diane could be convinced to keep the baby but given the circumstance she knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent. She still had it set in her mind that the baby would be better suited to someone who could provide it with a more stabile life.
Diane was never much of a motherly type because of her own upbringing and her own bad experiences so it was a very natural decision for her to try and do the best for the baby as well as her own future. The one thing we were lucky in all the turmoil was some very dear friends of ours who very graciously helped set us up in our apartment with essentials, To this day those people hold a very special place in my heart for their generosity…
In her visits to the Doctor she had made the arrangements for the adoption process and for the state of Massachusetts to take custody upon birth. I remember nights during those months lying in bed next to her trying to convince her we were able to raise a child together but she was dead set in her decision.
The only person I had to turn too beyond a few friends was my ½ sister Tammy at that time. My dad had been married 3 times in his life and I was the product of his 2nd marriage and was raised as an only child. His 1st marriage yielded a total of 4 children before he had moved on to my mom. I can’t say we knew much about each other as we weren’t raised together but when I met my sister Tammy for a brief time we hit it off very well. Tammy was a few years older than I was and I was 17 when we finally got to know each other. She had been a mother at the age of 16 so she knew full well what I was dealing with.
We did the best we could with little support and no money ..there were days we had a hard time just being able to feed ourselves. Our only saving grace at that point was working for Burger King so we had some means of getting by however small that was….
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Winding Roads
What I am about to talk about is something that is very bare, at times painful but at the least truthful and heartfelt. It will be a tiny detail of somethings in my life or mainly someone who changed me if only for a sliver of time.
Back in 1983 after graduation from high school in June I met my wife Diane. She was a cute girl but certainly has been someone who has aged and gotten more beautiful with time. I can't say it was love at first site but she definetly had an affect on me. I remember the day we met as though it was just yesterday, in fact this whole blog will be about something that feels like just yesterday to me.
In a very rough point in my life and in between jobs as a 17 year old I took a very brief job working for Burger King. During my break that first day I was invited to sit down with a little blonde spitfire as she was enjoying her cigerette. I don't remember much about the conversation beyond realizing how cute I remembered she looked back then. It would not be until November of that year that we would start dating and ultimately become steady partners on my birthday Dec 24, 1983.
During those years I had some rough personal times with my relationship with my mom as well as my own inner demons and iced the cake with the fact that I went through a very lazy period of my life in those years.
My life basically consisted of Diane and guitars during that period, my life as I was either spending time with her or playing in my band. Diane was awesome all through that time in our lives as she knew what music and playing meant to me, she never once complained about the time and let me chase my dreams like all aspiring musicians do ..
By November of that year my grandmother had passed away, my mom and I were tolerating each other at best and well,.. Diane became pregnant! Diane was 19 and I was 18 at that point in our lives and I still remember the fear that came over me as everyday passed that the reality sank in that there were changes coming in our lives one way or another.
We did our best to hide it from our families as scared as we were and tried to be there for each other in those early days, the saving grace for us was that Diane never started to show until she was 7 months along and then it was a crazy begining to our lives.
My inlaws were insistant that Diane was going to give the baby up for adoption and get rid of me. I guess looking back on that now I can't say I blame them for it they only wanted the best for their daughter but at the same time I have had a hard time of letting go of the fact that my rights and feelings were never once taken into consideration back then
When I learned Diane was with child I reflected on my own life and the fact that my dad had never been there for me, he never once showed he cared. Robert Maynard had left for California when I was 2 for a new life and to start a new family.. This would affect me profoundly not only during my life but especially during those days.
Knowing what it was like to not have a father in my life I vowed that even at the ripe old age of 19 there was no way I would ever walk in my dads footsteps. I would most certainly do what I needed to do out of responsibilty.
Somewhere around Feb of 1985 things were very chaotic in our lives. Diane had been convinced the baby was to be put up and my home life with my mom had hit a new low. I found myself out in the cold homeless, no job and a lot on my mind. I think the only thing that kept me going in those days was the love that I got from Diane..
Diane and I had agreed that with me being homeless that the best thing we could do for not only me but each other was to find an apartment and start our lives together. Dianes home life hadn't been much better as her parents had become very anti Kevin. I can't give a precise date that it happened but I can say it was a Thursday night, her family was away at a play for her sister and we cleaned out all of her belongings for our move....
It may have not been the best way to start our lives together but we were determined to be independent and each others rocks. The only thing Diane left behind that night was a note to her parents that simply read ..
Mom and Dad I've moved out and please do not attempt to contact me anymore.....
Being a parent now and dealing with what I have from my own daughter for the past few years I can only say I now understand the heartbreak that it must have given her parents that night. I've spent my own sorrow over the departure of my daughter from my life now and it was one of the worst moments my life could have been dealt ....
More to come .....
Back in 1983 after graduation from high school in June I met my wife Diane. She was a cute girl but certainly has been someone who has aged and gotten more beautiful with time. I can't say it was love at first site but she definetly had an affect on me. I remember the day we met as though it was just yesterday, in fact this whole blog will be about something that feels like just yesterday to me.
In a very rough point in my life and in between jobs as a 17 year old I took a very brief job working for Burger King. During my break that first day I was invited to sit down with a little blonde spitfire as she was enjoying her cigerette. I don't remember much about the conversation beyond realizing how cute I remembered she looked back then. It would not be until November of that year that we would start dating and ultimately become steady partners on my birthday Dec 24, 1983.
During those years I had some rough personal times with my relationship with my mom as well as my own inner demons and iced the cake with the fact that I went through a very lazy period of my life in those years.
My life basically consisted of Diane and guitars during that period, my life as I was either spending time with her or playing in my band. Diane was awesome all through that time in our lives as she knew what music and playing meant to me, she never once complained about the time and let me chase my dreams like all aspiring musicians do ..
By November of that year my grandmother had passed away, my mom and I were tolerating each other at best and well,.. Diane became pregnant! Diane was 19 and I was 18 at that point in our lives and I still remember the fear that came over me as everyday passed that the reality sank in that there were changes coming in our lives one way or another.
We did our best to hide it from our families as scared as we were and tried to be there for each other in those early days, the saving grace for us was that Diane never started to show until she was 7 months along and then it was a crazy begining to our lives.
My inlaws were insistant that Diane was going to give the baby up for adoption and get rid of me. I guess looking back on that now I can't say I blame them for it they only wanted the best for their daughter but at the same time I have had a hard time of letting go of the fact that my rights and feelings were never once taken into consideration back then
When I learned Diane was with child I reflected on my own life and the fact that my dad had never been there for me, he never once showed he cared. Robert Maynard had left for California when I was 2 for a new life and to start a new family.. This would affect me profoundly not only during my life but especially during those days.
Knowing what it was like to not have a father in my life I vowed that even at the ripe old age of 19 there was no way I would ever walk in my dads footsteps. I would most certainly do what I needed to do out of responsibilty.
Somewhere around Feb of 1985 things were very chaotic in our lives. Diane had been convinced the baby was to be put up and my home life with my mom had hit a new low. I found myself out in the cold homeless, no job and a lot on my mind. I think the only thing that kept me going in those days was the love that I got from Diane..
Diane and I had agreed that with me being homeless that the best thing we could do for not only me but each other was to find an apartment and start our lives together. Dianes home life hadn't been much better as her parents had become very anti Kevin. I can't give a precise date that it happened but I can say it was a Thursday night, her family was away at a play for her sister and we cleaned out all of her belongings for our move....
It may have not been the best way to start our lives together but we were determined to be independent and each others rocks. The only thing Diane left behind that night was a note to her parents that simply read ..
Mom and Dad I've moved out and please do not attempt to contact me anymore.....
Being a parent now and dealing with what I have from my own daughter for the past few years I can only say I now understand the heartbreak that it must have given her parents that night. I've spent my own sorrow over the departure of my daughter from my life now and it was one of the worst moments my life could have been dealt ....
More to come .....
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
A day without immigrants
Well the rally came and went and I would have to assume it was all relative to where you are in the good ole US of A as to whether or not you were affected by the work stoppage. Here in New Hampshire I didn't notice any changes, nothing closed, the world kept turning... ho hum .
I certainly hope you guys accomplished what you wanted because all in all it appears the only thing you have done was pushed the legal citizens further in the opposite direction. My favorite saying as of late has been the old "more flies with honey" analogy.. I guess that would apply here too huh .. I mean it is easier to sympathize with someone who asks nicely and earns something than it is to someone who demands it ...
How do we raise our kids? Do we teach them that the temper tantrum in the store gets them the candy or the toy they were trying so hard to extort from us? Or do we teach them that hard work and perseverance go a long way in this life.... I guess this newfound attitude teaches our children an awesome lesson ..if someone doesn't want to give you something just boycott!!
I read recently the reason these people are here is to do the jobs that American workers refuse to do. Is it that Americans refuse to do them or is it just that in chasing the American dream they just can't afford to live on what business is willing to pay an illegal to do the same job. What is the poverty level in this country?T he poverty level in this country for a family of 4 is approx $20,000 a year can you afford to live a healthy life on that kind of money?
What we end up with is a viscous circle that feeds the issue of Illegal immigrants in the USA/ A good start to the problem is to force business to either require all workers to be here legally on a work visa, green card etc or force those businesses to comply with an immigrant tax that would fund the loss of revenue caused by these people.
Thinking there is no harm to being here illegally is absolute bullshit to put it mildly. Everyday millions of Americans are bound to social laws and any infraction against said laws requires some form of retribution. Why is it that we as legal Americans are held accountable while someone who is here breaking our countries laws is held in higher regard. What possible damage could being here illegally possibly do?
It taxes our school systems, health care, human services. It drive wages down so that certain types of jobs are unable to compete with the poverty level. A good amount of that non taxed income is sent to their own mother countries to support families left behind. I heard a figure quoted on Bazillion immigrants sending money home and the dollar amount given was $750 million .... hear that MILLION! that is money that will never be put back into OUR own economy. That is just the damage done by 1 specific race of people.. I can't begin to imagine what the total loss of revenues are...
There are good reasons for laws such as immigration and naturalization and I only wish they were applied evenly and fairly so not only new people coming to our country can get a fair shake but we as American Natural Citizens get a fair shake..
Anyway we have removed one day from the calender .. next up is Cinco DeMayo... Margaritas anyone?
I'm out for now...
I certainly hope you guys accomplished what you wanted because all in all it appears the only thing you have done was pushed the legal citizens further in the opposite direction. My favorite saying as of late has been the old "more flies with honey" analogy.. I guess that would apply here too huh .. I mean it is easier to sympathize with someone who asks nicely and earns something than it is to someone who demands it ...
How do we raise our kids? Do we teach them that the temper tantrum in the store gets them the candy or the toy they were trying so hard to extort from us? Or do we teach them that hard work and perseverance go a long way in this life.... I guess this newfound attitude teaches our children an awesome lesson ..if someone doesn't want to give you something just boycott!!
I read recently the reason these people are here is to do the jobs that American workers refuse to do. Is it that Americans refuse to do them or is it just that in chasing the American dream they just can't afford to live on what business is willing to pay an illegal to do the same job. What is the poverty level in this country?T he poverty level in this country for a family of 4 is approx $20,000 a year can you afford to live a healthy life on that kind of money?
What we end up with is a viscous circle that feeds the issue of Illegal immigrants in the USA/ A good start to the problem is to force business to either require all workers to be here legally on a work visa, green card etc or force those businesses to comply with an immigrant tax that would fund the loss of revenue caused by these people.
Thinking there is no harm to being here illegally is absolute bullshit to put it mildly. Everyday millions of Americans are bound to social laws and any infraction against said laws requires some form of retribution. Why is it that we as legal Americans are held accountable while someone who is here breaking our countries laws is held in higher regard. What possible damage could being here illegally possibly do?
It taxes our school systems, health care, human services. It drive wages down so that certain types of jobs are unable to compete with the poverty level. A good amount of that non taxed income is sent to their own mother countries to support families left behind. I heard a figure quoted on Bazillion immigrants sending money home and the dollar amount given was $750 million .... hear that MILLION! that is money that will never be put back into OUR own economy. That is just the damage done by 1 specific race of people.. I can't begin to imagine what the total loss of revenues are...
There are good reasons for laws such as immigration and naturalization and I only wish they were applied evenly and fairly so not only new people coming to our country can get a fair shake but we as American Natural Citizens get a fair shake..
Anyway we have removed one day from the calender .. next up is Cinco DeMayo... Margaritas anyone?
I'm out for now...
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