Expectations

Are we as human beings defined upon our own indivuality or are we defined by others? Something that seems to be such an easy question to answer becomes incredibly complex by virtue of the people that we involve in our lives.

I certainly have my own expectations, desires, goals about who I am or how I want to be perceived. I am generally a giving person who at the drop of a hat will be there when asked. I consider myself to be compassionate, intelliegent and most of all I am not a follower.

On the surface it would seem these traits define who I am and my own expectations of who I want to be, am I correct? Not so fast, when do those expectations get superceeded by the people we allow into our lives be it family, friends etc.

for instance~

I make plans Friday that on Sunday I want to have a peaceful quiet day at home. I've had a rough week and simply feel like I can use the rest. I can always count on my Inlaws deciding after the fact that they want to have a family dinner on that day. It should be relatively simple to just say sorry I cannot make it correct? Not so.. A no will result in hurt feelings and a sign we do not want to be part of the family we are EXPECTED to be available.

We have had days where we have seen my inlaws Sat, Sun and are asked to dinner on a Tuesday. This would even be viewed negatively with a simple sorry can't make it.

My father inlaw loves to get on his motorcyle and "Stop" by in the summer months. No big deal right? Again on the surface it may not be but lets look at the layers. My father in law stops by constantly without ever calling to see if we are home, busy, entertaining or maybe even being intimate. Yet I've been told by him my expectation of him calling makes him feel unwelcome in my home. His expectation of feeling welcome over rides my expectations of my own privacy within my own home.

My Sister, Brother etc....

My Sister has been in and out of my life from the time we met (we are 1/2 siblings by my dad) The last time my sister came back into my life she made the statement that she would ever let me go again. Last Feb for my wive's 40th birthday I invited her friends and family to celebrate by limo to a dinner theatre in Boston. There was a limited amount of room in the limo andat the table in the theatre (12 people tops). This was further restricted by the amount of money I had to spend on the event. By having such a limited amount of resource my best alternative was to have the people closest to my wife attend. This meant HER family 1st, then her friends.

My sister took this as being disloyal to her and has not spoken to me since. Her expecations of me superseeded that of my desire to do something nice and memorable for my wife.

My brother Roy has never really had expectations per'se of me but he has never gone out of his way to make me feel like we were brothers. I guess this has always bothered me a bit as my biggest desire was to have a full family~ To date I am simply alone and an only child... When my brother moved from Mass to Maine his wife mentioned how he misses me and wants me to come up and spend time with them. My brother still works in Mass and during the week lives 5 min from my home yet never calls to get together with me when he has time.

My cousin~

I rarely speak to my cousin and it isn't anything more than our path rarely cross. I heard from her this weekend and she made it a point to tell me she wanted to get together. I told her the only time I would have for this would be after the holidays as Dec is a busy month on the weekends. She wanted to talk to me this day and I hadn't had time so told her when I got cance I'd call. Well to be perfectly honest I forgot to call and she feels as though I am intentionally avoiding her. Not bad considering I only hear from her 2/3 times a year ... So her expectations of my being available to her superceed my expectations to get my Dec chores done for the holidays.

My friend

I have a friend that I've known almost my entire life. He has always taken the high road when it comes to making plans. If I call and ask if he would go see a specific concert or a bike run and he doesn't feel interested then he simply will not do it. The flip side is that if it is something he is interested in doing he gets a bit put off if I say I'm not interested.

so what is the one catalyst in these few stories and believe me I could go all afternoon. Expectations always seem to be of what I can do for others and never what can be important to me. So at what point do my own wants and needs define who I m in other peoples lives? I've gotten to the point with the people in my life that I'm only as good to the as what I have to give and not simply who I am. In doing this I have now hit a crossroad where I am trying to learn to allow myslef to worry about me and not care if others expectations of me are to high...

Enough for now~
~K~