| You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained |
 The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Hmm seems pretty on to me/ Thanks Em!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Frivolous behaviors
As I write these I will probably do a lot of jumping around within different time periods as memory brings these events back to my mind. As I've mentioned in a previous post my mom always had a knack for reasoning out bad behaviors to substantiate what she was doing was right..
"New Furniture"
When I was about 23 my mother had decided to replace her living room set. At that time I was working 2nd shift and living in the next city with my family. The distance between us served us well most of the time and created an environment that we could actually get along in. This doesn't mean that the way she handled herself was better IMO, I just didn't have to be around it.
Mom had settled on a living room set from a local dealer known as "Furniture world" and after picking what she wanted it was determined that it would be up to 6 weeks before she would take delivery. When the set finally arrived she was anything but happy.
Mom had pointed out to me that she didn't like the way the material was sitting on the cushions and had decided that this was poor workmanship and wanted it fixed. She got on the phone with the dealer and they made an appointment to send someone out.
When the serviceman came he didn't see much wrong with the set but to appease my mom he offered to steam the fabric so it would sit a little more smoothly . It was agreed this would probably take care of the issue she was unhappy with .... WRONG!
When she would become disgruntled she was always a determined one in getting what she wanted which meant fighting with the furniture store almost daily. The store feeling there was nothing wrong with the merchandise refused to do anything further. This obviously didn't sit well and she decided to even the score.
On a determined trip to the furniture store one day mom happened to trip on a display in the store, fell down, and destroyed a set of reading glasses in the process. What most people never knew was the fact that the fall was staged and a lawsuit was in the making!!
I've never agreed with it and was ashamed of her for doing it even to this day. I couldn't believe a person who raised me explaining how much she hated liars was just as bad as the lessons she taught.
In the end the store settled out of court for thousands of dollars in court fees, lawyers fees, lost wages,medical bills, pain and suffering and most of all ..1 set of broken reading glasses. Mom got her money in such a proud manner, she had beat the furniture store after they "screwed" her over on a living room set ...
Funny how people can justify doing bad things just so they can look themselves in the mirror. I've never told anyone outside my family and closest friends of that story, but to this day I am bothered that she did it....
"New Furniture"
When I was about 23 my mother had decided to replace her living room set. At that time I was working 2nd shift and living in the next city with my family. The distance between us served us well most of the time and created an environment that we could actually get along in. This doesn't mean that the way she handled herself was better IMO, I just didn't have to be around it.
Mom had settled on a living room set from a local dealer known as "Furniture world" and after picking what she wanted it was determined that it would be up to 6 weeks before she would take delivery. When the set finally arrived she was anything but happy.
Mom had pointed out to me that she didn't like the way the material was sitting on the cushions and had decided that this was poor workmanship and wanted it fixed. She got on the phone with the dealer and they made an appointment to send someone out.
When the serviceman came he didn't see much wrong with the set but to appease my mom he offered to steam the fabric so it would sit a little more smoothly . It was agreed this would probably take care of the issue she was unhappy with .... WRONG!
When she would become disgruntled she was always a determined one in getting what she wanted which meant fighting with the furniture store almost daily. The store feeling there was nothing wrong with the merchandise refused to do anything further. This obviously didn't sit well and she decided to even the score.
On a determined trip to the furniture store one day mom happened to trip on a display in the store, fell down, and destroyed a set of reading glasses in the process. What most people never knew was the fact that the fall was staged and a lawsuit was in the making!!
I've never agreed with it and was ashamed of her for doing it even to this day. I couldn't believe a person who raised me explaining how much she hated liars was just as bad as the lessons she taught.
In the end the store settled out of court for thousands of dollars in court fees, lawyers fees, lost wages,medical bills, pain and suffering and most of all ..1 set of broken reading glasses. Mom got her money in such a proud manner, she had beat the furniture store after they "screwed" her over on a living room set ...
Funny how people can justify doing bad things just so they can look themselves in the mirror. I've never told anyone outside my family and closest friends of that story, but to this day I am bothered that she did it....
Stupid people
Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Him Back
Email this StorySep 20, 7:41 AM (ET)
(AP) Gu Gu, a six-year-old panda, eats near the entrance to its enclosure at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept....Full Image
p {margin:12px 0px 0px 0px;}
BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.
(AP) A young girl lies down beside a sleeping panda, behind a window at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept. 20,...Full Image"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."
Email this StorySep 20, 7:41 AM (ET)
(AP) Gu Gu, a six-year-old panda, eats near the entrance to its enclosure at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept....Full Image
p {margin:12px 0px 0px 0px;}
BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.
(AP) A young girl lies down beside a sleeping panda, behind a window at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept. 20,...Full Image"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sooo
Well I've been thinking about it over the last few days and I figure I have a few good blogs in me so I might as well say my peace.. What I am about to discuss is a deep core issue with me but very unrelated to my G.I.D.. I am proud to say that given the story of my life I have been lucky enough to not only turn out very well considering, I am lucky to have people in my life that care enough for me to keep going..
Mom...
My mom is for the most part a good person who seems to be taken over by moments of poor choices. She will always substantiate her poor behavior or lapses of good judgement with reasoning as to why what she did was alright.
My mother was born in 1936 and was the youngest of 3 children two whom have already past on. My mom and my dad lived on the second floor of my grandparents home and that's essentially where I was raised. While I could get into the circumstances of their separation I will save that for a spotlight blog on the old man.. For now lets concentrate on devil woman... LOL
Now before you go off thinking I'm a jerk for that let me first add this disclaimer. No matter what has gone on between my mom and I, or the poor treatment I've received deep down I love my mom. Unfortunately for our relationship this usually means I am on the end of some kind of abuse.
My mom was never a drinker, did drugs or really got in much trouble. She didn't sleep around and after my dad left other than 2 serious relationships there was never a strange man in our home. I think that may have been part of her problem.
In my mothers quest to make me a responsible adult it was her desire to make me a man one way or the other. To make anyone reading this understand this mentality, my mom made it a point to tell me as a young child and through my teen years that if i got picked on or got pushed around and I didn't fight then she would beat the shit double out of me when I got home.
This was all well and good for someone not only dealing with G.I.D from a very young age but who never had the build of a fighter. I've always been smaller than my peers and never really had the stomach for it. Not that I never fought as a kid, there were times I would have no choice but it was something that to this day I despised. I took quite a few beatings over this.
I never understood her behaviour as a kid, I just assumed this was normal living. There were times as a kid a beating or verbal abuse could be justified by her at the drop of a hat. Not cleaning my room or getting poor grades would always be decent reasons.
Emotionally I lived my life having my mom hating my father for leaving. He left when I was 2 for the west coast and it would be 15 years before I would see him again. Growing up my mom would constantly berate my father to me, tell me how much of a bad person he was or how he was lazy and good for nothing.
When she would get mad mom would never hesitate to tell me how I was just like my father. Sitting here today I guess she would never understand the impact of that when she did it, but I lived my life thinking I was doomed to be a horrible person. I would later learn in life that it was the things I hated in my dad that would force me to do better in my own life, or at least try.
By the time my teenage years rolled around I was not only dealing with my own emotional issue but dealing with someone who was the person I should have been able to ask for help and instead I lived in fear because of the hatred she had for those types of issues.
Mom decided in my last year of junior high that she was better suited to work the night shift and this meant sleep all morning up all night. Other than weekend afternoons and the occasional vacation I didn't get to see my mom unless it was time to get my ass kicked ..
She never understood why I became emotionally unattached from her at at one point even mentioned to my wife that I had changes as a teen and became colder towards her. I spend the better part of 25 years trying to make my mom proud but at every turn it would inevitably fail..
So let me ask you, how do you confide in someone a deep dark issue under those circumstances..
Lots more to come.....
Mom...
My mom is for the most part a good person who seems to be taken over by moments of poor choices. She will always substantiate her poor behavior or lapses of good judgement with reasoning as to why what she did was alright.
My mother was born in 1936 and was the youngest of 3 children two whom have already past on. My mom and my dad lived on the second floor of my grandparents home and that's essentially where I was raised. While I could get into the circumstances of their separation I will save that for a spotlight blog on the old man.. For now lets concentrate on devil woman... LOL
Now before you go off thinking I'm a jerk for that let me first add this disclaimer. No matter what has gone on between my mom and I, or the poor treatment I've received deep down I love my mom. Unfortunately for our relationship this usually means I am on the end of some kind of abuse.
My mom was never a drinker, did drugs or really got in much trouble. She didn't sleep around and after my dad left other than 2 serious relationships there was never a strange man in our home. I think that may have been part of her problem.
In my mothers quest to make me a responsible adult it was her desire to make me a man one way or the other. To make anyone reading this understand this mentality, my mom made it a point to tell me as a young child and through my teen years that if i got picked on or got pushed around and I didn't fight then she would beat the shit double out of me when I got home.
This was all well and good for someone not only dealing with G.I.D from a very young age but who never had the build of a fighter. I've always been smaller than my peers and never really had the stomach for it. Not that I never fought as a kid, there were times I would have no choice but it was something that to this day I despised. I took quite a few beatings over this.
I never understood her behaviour as a kid, I just assumed this was normal living. There were times as a kid a beating or verbal abuse could be justified by her at the drop of a hat. Not cleaning my room or getting poor grades would always be decent reasons.
Emotionally I lived my life having my mom hating my father for leaving. He left when I was 2 for the west coast and it would be 15 years before I would see him again. Growing up my mom would constantly berate my father to me, tell me how much of a bad person he was or how he was lazy and good for nothing.
When she would get mad mom would never hesitate to tell me how I was just like my father. Sitting here today I guess she would never understand the impact of that when she did it, but I lived my life thinking I was doomed to be a horrible person. I would later learn in life that it was the things I hated in my dad that would force me to do better in my own life, or at least try.
By the time my teenage years rolled around I was not only dealing with my own emotional issue but dealing with someone who was the person I should have been able to ask for help and instead I lived in fear because of the hatred she had for those types of issues.
Mom decided in my last year of junior high that she was better suited to work the night shift and this meant sleep all morning up all night. Other than weekend afternoons and the occasional vacation I didn't get to see my mom unless it was time to get my ass kicked ..
She never understood why I became emotionally unattached from her at at one point even mentioned to my wife that I had changes as a teen and became colder towards her. I spend the better part of 25 years trying to make my mom proud but at every turn it would inevitably fail..
So let me ask you, how do you confide in someone a deep dark issue under those circumstances..
Lots more to come.....
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Reevalutation and Shuffling the deck
I've been stuck in a bit of a fog this afternoon not feeling very well and doing a lot of thinking over different things. We as human beings are constantly evaluating where we are and where we are going. We tend to do this at major intervals within our lives. Birth of children, Death of relatives, Major birthdays and graduations.
Recently in my quest to rid myself of years of pent up guilt and frustration I've been in the middle of just that, reevaluation.
If you were to be able to get into my mind before you would know that I was a pretty caring individual and always ready to help out. The flip side to this was the fact that I was always very blunt about things and at times I could be an ass to people. I would pride myself on the fact that no matter what you thought of me you knew where you stood with me.
In my elimination of guilt and working on myself over the last year or so I've learned to feel a bit better about myself and tried to rid myself of that jerk I could become. One would think that kind of turn around is a good thing and I would tend to agree. Lately I've been thinking that in becoming more open I've tended to overshoot my way of thinking and I've possibly become too open with people.
I used to be a very private person for obvious reasons and would rarely let people get past the shell for fear of what they could learn. Recently I've been very much the opposite and while it has made me feel better about myself, it could be too much for other people. Is there a point of being too caring or to quick to share? Is there a point that being nice becomes a bit too much?
I'm beginning to think I need to step back a bit and just let people breathe around me, but hey ..What do I know ... evaluations suck because reality always sets in ..
Recently in my quest to rid myself of years of pent up guilt and frustration I've been in the middle of just that, reevaluation.
If you were to be able to get into my mind before you would know that I was a pretty caring individual and always ready to help out. The flip side to this was the fact that I was always very blunt about things and at times I could be an ass to people. I would pride myself on the fact that no matter what you thought of me you knew where you stood with me.
In my elimination of guilt and working on myself over the last year or so I've learned to feel a bit better about myself and tried to rid myself of that jerk I could become. One would think that kind of turn around is a good thing and I would tend to agree. Lately I've been thinking that in becoming more open I've tended to overshoot my way of thinking and I've possibly become too open with people.
I used to be a very private person for obvious reasons and would rarely let people get past the shell for fear of what they could learn. Recently I've been very much the opposite and while it has made me feel better about myself, it could be too much for other people. Is there a point of being too caring or to quick to share? Is there a point that being nice becomes a bit too much?
I'm beginning to think I need to step back a bit and just let people breathe around me, but hey ..What do I know ... evaluations suck because reality always sets in ..
Friday, September 15, 2006
Sept 15th 1995
It was 16 years ago @ 6:30 pm I married my wife Diane. I have never regretted that decision once in the whole time we have been together. We aren't a typical married couple or at least not the same as others around us that we both know.
Diane has always been my best friend in the deepest sense of the word. She has never judged me in my weakness, never laughed at my darkest secrets, stood behind me through a lot of bad times and most of all celebrated a lot of good times with me.
When I say we aren't the typical married couple we simply do not fit into what the conventional married stereo type is all about. We both love spending our time together and love being together. While we have occasions where we go do our own things most of the time we spend hanging around each other. When a weekend is in sight it usually isn't the typical Sat I'm taking off with my friends routine, it is what would you like to do this weekend. I'd never trade that for anything in this world ..
When Diane and I got married we had a small wedding or at least smaller than most, it was about 80 people. Our first song that we danced to was "Forever" by Kiss as we were both 80's kids. Our honeymoon was spent in Niagara Falls NY and the rest follow to where we are today.
People who know me probably know I have a very wide love of music. It transcends all different types of music from Heavy Metal to Country. Recently on a drive a song came on that was on a local country station called "Good morning Beautiful"
"Good morning beautiful, how was your night"
"Mine was wonderful with you by my side"
"When I open my eye and see your sweet face"
"It's a good morning beautiful day"
Cheesy? Maybe but I've told Diane I think of her every time I hear it and these days it is the song I associate with her. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be with but most of all I couldn't ask for a better friend so here's my salute to my loving wife ...
"Here's to another 16 babe, you are my world"
Luv ~Me~
Diane has always been my best friend in the deepest sense of the word. She has never judged me in my weakness, never laughed at my darkest secrets, stood behind me through a lot of bad times and most of all celebrated a lot of good times with me.
When I say we aren't the typical married couple we simply do not fit into what the conventional married stereo type is all about. We both love spending our time together and love being together. While we have occasions where we go do our own things most of the time we spend hanging around each other. When a weekend is in sight it usually isn't the typical Sat I'm taking off with my friends routine, it is what would you like to do this weekend. I'd never trade that for anything in this world ..
When Diane and I got married we had a small wedding or at least smaller than most, it was about 80 people. Our first song that we danced to was "Forever" by Kiss as we were both 80's kids. Our honeymoon was spent in Niagara Falls NY and the rest follow to where we are today.
People who know me probably know I have a very wide love of music. It transcends all different types of music from Heavy Metal to Country. Recently on a drive a song came on that was on a local country station called "Good morning Beautiful"
"Good morning beautiful, how was your night"
"Mine was wonderful with you by my side"
"When I open my eye and see your sweet face"
"It's a good morning beautiful day"
Cheesy? Maybe but I've told Diane I think of her every time I hear it and these days it is the song I associate with her. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be with but most of all I couldn't ask for a better friend so here's my salute to my loving wife ...
"Here's to another 16 babe, you are my world"
Luv ~Me~
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Impersonal Electronic Connections
I.E.C~
Email, Internet forums, Instant messaging,Online Gaming,Online Shopping, Internet dating, Ebay, Online Classifieds etc etc etc etc etc ..the list goes on. Where we have come as a race is pretty amazing in terms of communication within the structures of everyday life. It still boggles my mind that I can write a letter and in seconds (unless the Internet is asleep) it is in whomever mailbox waiting to be digested. At any rate the technology is an awesome tool to have at our disposal.
The problem that we have is the lack of personal interaction and this causes the brain to forget the human being on the other end of the communication. People are cool and people suck severely at times. The fact is that we are all different and we won''t always like each other. What we should be able to do is to respect each other.
All too often on Internet message boards for instance people post things that they wouldn't normally say face to face with people and these lead to what Sully coined "GIF" Gay internet fighting. I've often found that those people that could easily have nasty interaction with me on a message board acted much different in person.
So if we can respect each other face to face why is it so hard to apply those same principles to online interactions? In some sense it becomes similar to all the violence on the television and how we have become desensitized to some forms of violence and gore. I think interpersonal relationship over the Internet can end up being much the same way.
It is easy to tell someone to fuck off... sit in a bar and buy them a drink and listen to their life experiences and you may learn more than you did behind the pc ..I've been guilty at times of the same behaviour and caught myself in the process. I'm no angel and I never profess to be...I'm a flawed human being just as anyone else.. I've learned to see more value in people than just an Internet post over the last year...
Have a difference of opinion? Before you hit the enter button and send that email or post on a board let it sit for a while and when ya cool off read it again. Ask yourself if it is really worth ruining your day or someone else's ...or the best solution is too pick up the phone and talk ..you might find out that it was misinterpreted or it is just harder to act like an ass when it becomes personal and you see there are actually human beings there instead of just text ..
At any rate maybe someday I.E.C will be a Wikipedia definition .. ROTF!
~K~
Email, Internet forums, Instant messaging,Online Gaming,Online Shopping, Internet dating, Ebay, Online Classifieds etc etc etc etc etc ..the list goes on. Where we have come as a race is pretty amazing in terms of communication within the structures of everyday life. It still boggles my mind that I can write a letter and in seconds (unless the Internet is asleep) it is in whomever mailbox waiting to be digested. At any rate the technology is an awesome tool to have at our disposal.
The problem that we have is the lack of personal interaction and this causes the brain to forget the human being on the other end of the communication. People are cool and people suck severely at times. The fact is that we are all different and we won''t always like each other. What we should be able to do is to respect each other.
All too often on Internet message boards for instance people post things that they wouldn't normally say face to face with people and these lead to what Sully coined "GIF" Gay internet fighting. I've often found that those people that could easily have nasty interaction with me on a message board acted much different in person.
So if we can respect each other face to face why is it so hard to apply those same principles to online interactions? In some sense it becomes similar to all the violence on the television and how we have become desensitized to some forms of violence and gore. I think interpersonal relationship over the Internet can end up being much the same way.
It is easy to tell someone to fuck off... sit in a bar and buy them a drink and listen to their life experiences and you may learn more than you did behind the pc ..I've been guilty at times of the same behaviour and caught myself in the process. I'm no angel and I never profess to be...I'm a flawed human being just as anyone else.. I've learned to see more value in people than just an Internet post over the last year...
Have a difference of opinion? Before you hit the enter button and send that email or post on a board let it sit for a while and when ya cool off read it again. Ask yourself if it is really worth ruining your day or someone else's ...or the best solution is too pick up the phone and talk ..you might find out that it was misinterpreted or it is just harder to act like an ass when it becomes personal and you see there are actually human beings there instead of just text ..
At any rate maybe someday I.E.C will be a Wikipedia definition .. ROTF!
~K~
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Nuts in NH AGAIN!!
Geez this is twice this week my town made the news for stupid people. I'm all for the right to bear arms, I own my own gun and I've always cherished the way NH viewed those rights but it is people like this that make it rough for the law abiding citizen to keep his rights protected ..
For the record this is the Walmart my wife and I shop at and I believe we were in the store on this particular day, I just do not know if this happened anywhere near that time ..
TheBostonChannel.com
Related To Story
Video: Man's Pistol Fires In Wal-Mart Restroom
Man's Gun Fires As He Uses Wal-Mart Restroom
Teenager In Next Stall Scared By Gunfire
POSTED: 12:48 pm EDT September 8, 2006
HUDSON, N.H. -- What do you do with the gun in your pants when you go to the john?
Police in Hudson, N.H., have charged Charles Masterson, 36, with felony reckless conduct after his pistol went off in a Wal-Mart restroom. Masterson said he was pointing his Glock semiautomatic toward the ceiling, just as he had been taught was the safest thing to do when a gun wasn't being used. The precaution backfired when the gun discharged Tuesday night while Masterson was in the bathroom.
Police said the gunshot scared the wits out of a teenage Wal-Mart employee in the next stall. The young Wal-Mart worker told police Masterson put the gun back in his pants and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. Wal-Mart employees called police.
Police charged him for putting the teenage employee in danger. Masterson's 13-year-old son also was in the bathroom.
He was jailed overnight but released Wednesday after a court appearance.
Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
For the record this is the Walmart my wife and I shop at and I believe we were in the store on this particular day, I just do not know if this happened anywhere near that time ..
TheBostonChannel.com
Related To Story
Video: Man's Pistol Fires In Wal-Mart Restroom
Man's Gun Fires As He Uses Wal-Mart Restroom
Teenager In Next Stall Scared By Gunfire
POSTED: 12:48 pm EDT September 8, 2006
HUDSON, N.H. -- What do you do with the gun in your pants when you go to the john?
Police in Hudson, N.H., have charged Charles Masterson, 36, with felony reckless conduct after his pistol went off in a Wal-Mart restroom. Masterson said he was pointing his Glock semiautomatic toward the ceiling, just as he had been taught was the safest thing to do when a gun wasn't being used. The precaution backfired when the gun discharged Tuesday night while Masterson was in the bathroom.
Police said the gunshot scared the wits out of a teenage Wal-Mart employee in the next stall. The young Wal-Mart worker told police Masterson put the gun back in his pants and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. Wal-Mart employees called police.
Police charged him for putting the teenage employee in danger. Masterson's 13-year-old son also was in the bathroom.
He was jailed overnight but released Wednesday after a court appearance.
Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Remembering 9-11
I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar. Everyone remembers the pictures, but I think more and more about the sounds. I always ask people what they heard that day in New York. We've all seen the film and videotape, but the sound equipment of television crews didn't always catch what people have described as the deep metallic roar.
The other night on TV there was a documentary on the Ironworkers of New York's Local 40, whose members ran to the site when the towers fell. They pitched in on rescue, then stayed for eight months to deconstruct a skyscraper some of them had helped build 35 years before. An ironworker named Jim Gaffney said, "My partner kept telling me the buildings are coming down and I'm saying 'no way.' Then we heard that noise that I will never forget. It was like a creaking and then the next thing you felt the ground rumbling."Rudy Giuliani said it was like an earthquake.
The actor Jim Caviezel saw the second plane hit the towers on television and what he heard shook him: "A weird, guttural discordant sound," he called it, a sound exactly like lightning. He knew because earlier that year he'd been hit. My son, then a teenager in a high school across the river from the towers, heard the first plane go in at 8:45 a.m. It sounded, he said, like a heavy truck going hard over a big street grate.I think too about the sounds that came from within the buildings and within the planes--the phone calls and messages left on answering machines, all the last things said to whoever was home and picked up the phone. They awe me, those messages.Something terrible had happened. Life was reduced to its essentials. Time was short. People said what counted, what mattered.
It has been noted that there is no record of anyone calling to say, "I never liked you," or, "You hurt my feelings." No one negotiated past grievances or said, "Vote for Smith." Amazingly --or not--there is no record of anyone damning the terrorists or saying "I hate them."No one said anything unneeded, extraneous or small. Crisis is a great editor. When you read the transcripts that have been released over the years it's all so clear.Flight 93 flight attendant Ceecee Lyles, 33 years old, in an answering-machine message to her husband: "Please tell my children that I love them very much. I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could see your face again.
"Thirty-one-year-old Melissa Harrington, a California-based trade consultant at a meeting in the towers, called her father to say she loved him. Minutes later she left a message on the answering machine as her new husband slept in their San Francisco home. "Sean, it's me, she said. "I just wanted to let you know I love you."
Capt. Walter Hynes of the New York Fire Department's Ladder 13 dialed home that morning as his rig left the firehouse at 85th Street and Lexington Avenue. He was on his way downtown, he said in his message, and things were bad. "I don't know if we'll make it out. I want to tell you that I love you and I love the kids."
Firemen don't become firemen because they're pessimists. Imagine being a guy who feels in his gut he's going to his death, and he calls on the way to say goodbye and make things clear. His widow later told the Associated Press she'd played his message hundreds of times and made copies for their kids. "He was thinking about us in those final moments."
Elizabeth Rivas saw it that way too. When her husband left for the World Trade Center that morning, she went to a laundromat, where she heard the news. She couldn't reach him by cell and rushed home. He'd called at 9:02 and reached her daughter. The child reported, "He say, mommy, he say he love you no matter what happens, he loves you." He never called again. Mrs. Rivas later said, "He tried to call me. He called me."
There was the amazing acceptance. I spoke this week with a medical doctor who told me she'd seen many people die, and many "with grace and acceptance." The people on the planes didn't have time to accept, to reflect, to think through; and yet so many showed the kind of grace you see in a hospice.
Peter Hanson, a passenger on United Airlines Flight 175 called his father. "I think they intend to go to Chicago or someplace and fly into a building," he said. "Don't worry, Dad--if it happens, it will be very fast." On the same flight, Brian Sweeney called his wife, got the answering machine, and told her they'd been hijacked. "Hopefully I'll talk to you again, but if not, have a good life. I know I'll see you again some day."
There was Tom Burnett's famous call from United Flight 93. "We're all going to die, but three of us are going to do something," he told his wife, Deena. "I love you, honey."These were people saying, essentially, In spite of my imminent death, my thoughts are on you, and on love. I asked a psychiatrist the other day for his thoughts, and he said the people on the planes and in the towers were "accepting the inevitable" and taking care of "unfinished business." "At death's door people pass on a responsibility--'Tell Billy I never stopped loving him and forgave him long ago.' 'Take care of Mom.' 'Pray for me, Father. Pray for me, I haven't been very good.' " They address what needs doing.
This reminded me of that moment when Todd Beamer of United 93 wound up praying on the phone with a woman he'd never met before, a Verizon Airfone supervisor named Lisa Jefferson. She said later that his tone was calm. It seemed as if they were "old friends," she later wrote. They said the Lord's Prayer together. Then he said "Let's roll."I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar.
This is what I get from the last messages. People are often stronger than they know, bigger, more gallant than they'd guess. And this: We're all lucky to be here today and able to say what deserves saying, and if you say it a lot, it won't make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed.I think the sound of the last messages, of what was said, will live as long in human history, and contain within it as much of human history, as any old metallic roar. by,Peggy Noonan
The other night on TV there was a documentary on the Ironworkers of New York's Local 40, whose members ran to the site when the towers fell. They pitched in on rescue, then stayed for eight months to deconstruct a skyscraper some of them had helped build 35 years before. An ironworker named Jim Gaffney said, "My partner kept telling me the buildings are coming down and I'm saying 'no way.' Then we heard that noise that I will never forget. It was like a creaking and then the next thing you felt the ground rumbling."Rudy Giuliani said it was like an earthquake.
The actor Jim Caviezel saw the second plane hit the towers on television and what he heard shook him: "A weird, guttural discordant sound," he called it, a sound exactly like lightning. He knew because earlier that year he'd been hit. My son, then a teenager in a high school across the river from the towers, heard the first plane go in at 8:45 a.m. It sounded, he said, like a heavy truck going hard over a big street grate.I think too about the sounds that came from within the buildings and within the planes--the phone calls and messages left on answering machines, all the last things said to whoever was home and picked up the phone. They awe me, those messages.Something terrible had happened. Life was reduced to its essentials. Time was short. People said what counted, what mattered.
It has been noted that there is no record of anyone calling to say, "I never liked you," or, "You hurt my feelings." No one negotiated past grievances or said, "Vote for Smith." Amazingly --or not--there is no record of anyone damning the terrorists or saying "I hate them."No one said anything unneeded, extraneous or small. Crisis is a great editor. When you read the transcripts that have been released over the years it's all so clear.Flight 93 flight attendant Ceecee Lyles, 33 years old, in an answering-machine message to her husband: "Please tell my children that I love them very much. I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could see your face again.
"Thirty-one-year-old Melissa Harrington, a California-based trade consultant at a meeting in the towers, called her father to say she loved him. Minutes later she left a message on the answering machine as her new husband slept in their San Francisco home. "Sean, it's me, she said. "I just wanted to let you know I love you."
Capt. Walter Hynes of the New York Fire Department's Ladder 13 dialed home that morning as his rig left the firehouse at 85th Street and Lexington Avenue. He was on his way downtown, he said in his message, and things were bad. "I don't know if we'll make it out. I want to tell you that I love you and I love the kids."
Firemen don't become firemen because they're pessimists. Imagine being a guy who feels in his gut he's going to his death, and he calls on the way to say goodbye and make things clear. His widow later told the Associated Press she'd played his message hundreds of times and made copies for their kids. "He was thinking about us in those final moments."
Elizabeth Rivas saw it that way too. When her husband left for the World Trade Center that morning, she went to a laundromat, where she heard the news. She couldn't reach him by cell and rushed home. He'd called at 9:02 and reached her daughter. The child reported, "He say, mommy, he say he love you no matter what happens, he loves you." He never called again. Mrs. Rivas later said, "He tried to call me. He called me."
There was the amazing acceptance. I spoke this week with a medical doctor who told me she'd seen many people die, and many "with grace and acceptance." The people on the planes didn't have time to accept, to reflect, to think through; and yet so many showed the kind of grace you see in a hospice.
Peter Hanson, a passenger on United Airlines Flight 175 called his father. "I think they intend to go to Chicago or someplace and fly into a building," he said. "Don't worry, Dad--if it happens, it will be very fast." On the same flight, Brian Sweeney called his wife, got the answering machine, and told her they'd been hijacked. "Hopefully I'll talk to you again, but if not, have a good life. I know I'll see you again some day."
There was Tom Burnett's famous call from United Flight 93. "We're all going to die, but three of us are going to do something," he told his wife, Deena. "I love you, honey."These were people saying, essentially, In spite of my imminent death, my thoughts are on you, and on love. I asked a psychiatrist the other day for his thoughts, and he said the people on the planes and in the towers were "accepting the inevitable" and taking care of "unfinished business." "At death's door people pass on a responsibility--'Tell Billy I never stopped loving him and forgave him long ago.' 'Take care of Mom.' 'Pray for me, Father. Pray for me, I haven't been very good.' " They address what needs doing.
This reminded me of that moment when Todd Beamer of United 93 wound up praying on the phone with a woman he'd never met before, a Verizon Airfone supervisor named Lisa Jefferson. She said later that his tone was calm. It seemed as if they were "old friends," she later wrote. They said the Lord's Prayer together. Then he said "Let's roll."I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar.
This is what I get from the last messages. People are often stronger than they know, bigger, more gallant than they'd guess. And this: We're all lucky to be here today and able to say what deserves saying, and if you say it a lot, it won't make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed.I think the sound of the last messages, of what was said, will live as long in human history, and contain within it as much of human history, as any old metallic roar. by,Peggy Noonan
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Sullyville is on fire!
While it is a few hours early (They official knock it out @ 6:30pm) Diane and I would like to extend our hearty congrats and well wishes to the new Mr and Mrs Sullivan today. It's great to see you two commiting yourselves to each other, you make a truley awesome couple!!
Good luck Sarah and Jon!!
K&D
Good luck Sarah and Jon!!
K&D
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Blogger Beta
I've moved the blog over the the google beta version but apparently there is some bugs in it now. According to the FAQ the only way bloggers who haven't moved over to log comments is to do anonymous comments.. go figure
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
So anyway
Well I guess that mirrors post sudenly takes on a new meaning huh? Funny enough a lot of my blogs have been laced with aspects of what I've been dealing with but the thing about writing is that it is just like a song, it can take on many interpretations based on the reader/listener wants to adhere it too.
When I started this blog it was as a joke in response to my pal Sullys blog. It was at Jons advice that I kept up with it. The funny part about it was that my blog and reading others actually had been a great outlet. Sort of a form of therapy if you will. It allowed me to learn about others and at times get my point of view across and hopefully enlighten someone else for a change. I would have never thought the outlet would be so significant for me.
After sitting back for the last few days and taking in what I had just done here I have to admit that I feel a whole lot better about myself. For a long time I dreaded the day that I had to deal with this issue, then I dreaded having to look other people in the eye and be worried of judgement, I've spent my life dreading being judged.
Now that my secret is out the fact whether anyone can laugh at me or judge has no bearing on my mood. I'm happy for the first time in my life of being purged of all the saved up guilt and worry that someone would find out. For the first time I can be judged on my own terms instead of those of a mistaken slip.. Life is good in this respect and I'm happy about it.
When I did this it wasn't for sympathy, poor me or for attention. It wasn't to cause problems for anyone close to me, it was simply to take control of my fears. Do things on my own terms and not allow this to dictate me any longer. In my life I've only ever had 2 real fears.. Heights and someone finding out about my "secret". Well it is no longer a secret an maybe eventually I kick my fear of heights someday too.
I've come a long way in a short year in dealing with this and I know full well i have a long road ahead of me. When I had my first appointment with a counselor all I could do was look at the floor out of fear,shame and embarassment, now a year later here I am...
So here's message for people..
Several people have stepped up to the plate to show me they care. Some don't understand it but are nice enough to say that the most important thing is my well being. To those people I want to say thanks I really appreciate the fact that you have taken that time to be accepting and concerned about me. You ARE true friends with very large hearts of gold and your posts and emails have been very touching, I simply couldn't ask for more..
Peace out
When I started this blog it was as a joke in response to my pal Sullys blog. It was at Jons advice that I kept up with it. The funny part about it was that my blog and reading others actually had been a great outlet. Sort of a form of therapy if you will. It allowed me to learn about others and at times get my point of view across and hopefully enlighten someone else for a change. I would have never thought the outlet would be so significant for me.
After sitting back for the last few days and taking in what I had just done here I have to admit that I feel a whole lot better about myself. For a long time I dreaded the day that I had to deal with this issue, then I dreaded having to look other people in the eye and be worried of judgement, I've spent my life dreading being judged.
Now that my secret is out the fact whether anyone can laugh at me or judge has no bearing on my mood. I'm happy for the first time in my life of being purged of all the saved up guilt and worry that someone would find out. For the first time I can be judged on my own terms instead of those of a mistaken slip.. Life is good in this respect and I'm happy about it.
When I did this it wasn't for sympathy, poor me or for attention. It wasn't to cause problems for anyone close to me, it was simply to take control of my fears. Do things on my own terms and not allow this to dictate me any longer. In my life I've only ever had 2 real fears.. Heights and someone finding out about my "secret". Well it is no longer a secret an maybe eventually I kick my fear of heights someday too.
I've come a long way in a short year in dealing with this and I know full well i have a long road ahead of me. When I had my first appointment with a counselor all I could do was look at the floor out of fear,shame and embarassment, now a year later here I am...
So here's message for people..
Several people have stepped up to the plate to show me they care. Some don't understand it but are nice enough to say that the most important thing is my well being. To those people I want to say thanks I really appreciate the fact that you have taken that time to be accepting and concerned about me. You ARE true friends with very large hearts of gold and your posts and emails have been very touching, I simply couldn't ask for more..
Peace out
- "The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Skeletons in the closet keep me awake at night
I'm approaching this blog with some trepidation as I am about to broach a very touchy subject with a lot of people. For the last few weeks I've sat back and watched as some friends have posted blogs that were very thought provoking and inspirational. It always amazes me these people walk the earth because those types of people are rare and by far better than the avg close minded individual.
Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.
As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.
Emthrax~ The Em Camp!
Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.
Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"
Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..
Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great
Fear
After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.
If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.
There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.
So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.
Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.
Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the closeminded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..
So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..
I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.
A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.
In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"
For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..
When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.
After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.
If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.
Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of closeminded people.
In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.
I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.
As Annah's website states
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3
~K~
Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.
As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.
Emthrax~ The Em Camp!
Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.
Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"
Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..
Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great
Fear
After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.
If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.
There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.
So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.
Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.
Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the closeminded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..
So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..
I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.
A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.
In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"
For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..
When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.
After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.
If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.
Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of closeminded people.
In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.
I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.
As Annah's website states
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3
I'm about to find out who my true friends are ..
Latah people
Latah people
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