Look in the mirror
what do you see
is the reflection in your eyes
what your mind intends it to be
Reads pretty simple but when thought about it can be a very complex statement. Physically when I look in the mirror I know what I can see but my mind doesn't tell me what others can actually see, or what is reality. For instance a few years ago I decided that I wasn't feeling well heathwise or emotionally and decided to take care of myself and move in healthier directions. I had reached my heaviest weight of just under 200 lbs and approaching the age of 40 that scared the hell out of me. I've lost a lot of family members due to heart issues.
When I decided to do something about it and eat better I finally got back to what should be considered a normal weight (at least for me) I'm 5'9" and 145 pounds now. Yeah yeah people will think that's a bit too thin but I've always had a very small frame so it really isn't for me. Most people in my family are short 5' to 5' 6" and they push 250/300 pounds. It was a natural tendancy for me to follow suit. I can honestly say in losing weight it made me physically feel much better.
When I look in the mirror now though I still do not see myself as a thin person. My wife and I had this conversation at a local mall recently because people who hadn't seen me in a while get blown away by the change. In the course of the conversation I asked her to point out how big she thought I was in another person and when she did I couldn't believe her, I still felt she was trying to be nice. When I pointed out what I viewed myself as in someone elses size and she just laughed... "no" she said "not even close!".. but still that mirrors reflection doesn't tell me the truth ..
That is such a basic level because it it something you can almost hold in your hand. When you discuss physical attributes the proof is right in front of your eyes and there should be no denying it. Correct?
Lets open the door to the basement now and take it to a deeper level. Is the emotional level that your reflection dictates to you what you expect of yourself? The harder question is more in the sense of how other people view you emotionally vs what you think they can see of you. This has become more of a deeper thing for me over the last year as I'm working to strip away the person that hides my true self. In essense I'm working to make myself happy and be the best peron I can be for not only my well being but that of others.
Recently my wife and I have had a rough stretch with our family. We are cool as we are strong enough to work through most issues and come out stronger for the experience in the end. In dealing with it I can't help but think about my interactions with a family member and how it differed from years gone by. I've definetly grown as a human being in the last year and I'm slowly becoming someone that I can be proud of (whether others can or not is for a different blog)
In extending myself recently it was the treatment that I got as a result that knocked my socks off. I don't feel I deserved to open myself up and get trashed in the manner I did, but it happened. When it was all said and done this person doesn't seem to think they did anything wrong and they consider themselves to be caring and loving. For the most part they really are most of the time but when it comes to certain issues they become selfish, cold and they don't see the true reflection looking at them in the mirror thus hurting those that love them in the long run.
So what do YOU see? Is it not only what you expect to see but think about whether or not it is what other people can see. Sometimes our own perceptions are skewed in what we want to beleive vs truth in advertising ... Expect to be the better person and hope you get the same in return, if you do then it is all gravy ..
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Roses,Thorns and broken hearts
When you look at a rose you get drawn in by its beauty and what it symbolizes (Love,Friendship etc) The smoothness of the petals, the scent that is emits and the vibrant color all draw us in. Out of natural reaction we reach for the flower unaware of the thorns that hide below such beauty and in a lot of instances we get hurt.
It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...
Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.
2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.
I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.
My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.
The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.
On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..
In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.
My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.
I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.
Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..
When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..
What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.
My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...
I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.
I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....
Jess,
We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.
I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....
Good luck
Dad ..
It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...
Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.
2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.
I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.
My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.
The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.
On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..
In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.
My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.
I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.
Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..
When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..
What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.
My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...
I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.
I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....
Jess,
We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.
I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....
Good luck
Dad ..
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