Sunday, October 29, 2006

Back to reality

Don't forget to set your clocks back today... time to hibernate for the winter ..

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fear, Frustration, Guilt and time to eat Crowe

In a hastily made decision very early yesterday morning on very little sleep I yanked my blog down and sent out emails regarding the fact I was pulling it. I have had a few people come forward in the last 24 hours and kick me in the ass a bit so I'm going to get this out in the open ..

Chad, Todd and Diane~

Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.

Emily~

My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.

Annah~

Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..


I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.

At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,

During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.

When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.

Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.

It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.

So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..

The blogs purpose simply put..

Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..

I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..

In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.



"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.

I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Rain

Nice cool rain tonight and the sound is sooo soothing. Nice way to clear the head and be at peace with your thoughts. Yesterdays entry may have seemed a bit cryptic or out in left field and who knows maybe from the outside looking in it was. Maybe a bit of insecurity from the inside makes it that.

Things are good, life is ok. I'm just learning to cope with it a bit differently. I've never been out of my element like this, some days are good ones, some days are rough ones, but at the end of the road at least I'm still here to weather the rough ones and take in the good ones.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not asking for permission or validation .. I'm just learning. Learning how to deal with a world that I'm looking at with wider eyes for the first time. When dealing with the G.I.D apparently it can be a common thing, it is the first time I've not sheltered the way I felt or view the world around me.

My way of dealing has always been to put my thoughts in writing, and my feelings into the guitar it is all good therapy.

My insecurity is what has been driving me lately. It's been making me more aware of not only my surroundings but people around me. It's made me feel like I'm constantly being watched and it isn't something I've been accustomed to dealing with through my life. At least I'm experiencing and learning from it... Before I was numb to it, now I'm just aware...

Tonight we went out to panera for a light dinner and just talked. For the first time my wife was able to put some things into perspective for me that were a little harder for me to view without being a bit blinded by my own thoughts and emotions. She made a lot of sense and the nice part was she understood where I was coming from and pointed to things that were good for me to see...

More back in the day remembering


I always loved this picture. This was late in 1985 from the day my daughter was baptized. Yes baptized!! don't ask ... lol .. Everytime I see this picture it reminds me of how young we were when we started out. As young as we were and as tough as it was I still wouldn't change that part of my life. I think in a lot of respects it kept me on the planet for a little longer than I originally thought I'd be.. .

I look at this photo of my wife from then and photos now, I have to say she grew more and more beautiful with age.



Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I'm tired

I'm tired.. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of living with this, I'm tired of fear and frustration, I'm tired of suddenly feel so insecure over everything, I'm tired of people who take but cannot give and I'm just plain tired of living tonight.

I try so hard to be open, giving and caring. Maybe I try too hard who knows. I try to be generous with my time, my ear, my compassion and my money. I constantly try to give but rarely ever get in return.

Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that check in and try and make sure I'm good. I appreciate those people more than I could ever express to them, albeit I try to make sure they know it.

I'm not sure when the turning point was for me I can't put my finger on the day or anything. I was always outgoing and confident even with my hidden secrets. But lately I'm insecure and I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm constantly beating myself up wondering what people think and caring too much about what they think. My skin has gotten thin.. thinner than it has been since I was a kid..

When I was young I was semi introverted, unsure of myself in this world and not extremely outgoing. As I got older music and bands changed that for me. I became a little more of an extrovert and I noticed that people were drawn to me.

Call it cocky or call it confidence, whatever you want, but I had that certain charisma that people seemed to be drawn towards. I was never a follower, I couldn't be. My wife knew it. she could never understand how no matter where we went someone would either know me or talk to me like they had known me their whole lives.. Is that being cocky? who knows

The confidence was a good way of not letting people in and it certainly helped keep me from being hurt by people. It helped hide the real me, it helped conceal my darkest fears and make them shielded from making me a vulnerable person

So how did I go from people being drawn to me to feeling as though I've been pushing them away?When did I lose that self confidence I had become so used too.

Tonight I'm certainly tired..... I'm tired of life..

in the day Circa 1986

Friday, October 06, 2006

Lesson~ turn the lights on!

Well, I was making my breafast this am getting ready for work. Ever since I started losing weight I make it a point to eat breakfast which was something I never used to do..

While at the stove doing my scrambled eggs Diane walked by me with a basket of clothes going towards the basement. I asked her what she was doing, it isn't normal in our house to be doing laundry at 5 am.. She said she needed her clothe for the gym tonight so she was going to do an early load..

Within a minute I heard a bang and a scream.. She fell on the stairs and hit the baseboard heater at the bottom near the floor. Looks like she may have broken her little toe. I flew down there and once she said she was ok my only reply was .. Why didn't you put the light on ... I got that blank stare again ....

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Big stuff happenin

Big news on the horizon and I don't want to drop the ball just yet and jinx anything. That's just a nice way of saying I don't wanna be embarassed if it falls through.. lol .. Diane and I are working on a new venture and it could mean financial security for a while if it pans out .. kind of exciting and scary all at once.... more to come!!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Um??????? Hamster neglect?

Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

POSTED: 7:40 am EDT October 2, 2006
UPDATED: 7:45 am EDT October 2, 2006

JANESVILLE, Wis. -- Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.

Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.

The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters.

The woman was already is facing charges of failing to provide shelter and food to a Great Dane removed from her home in August.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Changes

Been a pretty busy weekend for Dee and me .. lol .. I made a rhyme!! .. We just got back from the White Mountains this am on an overnight trip as my oldest friend got married yesterday. When I say "oldest" friend that is to say that we have been friends for the better part of 35 years.

He had a nice ceremony at a little Inn nestled in the mountains of NH. The backdrop for his vows was an area overlooking a hill and a mountain range in the distance. While it was a quaint ceremony with only 13 of his closest relatives and friends it was definitely a memorable way to pledge his love to his new wife.

When I grew up in Lawrence Ma it was on a middle class American city street much like you see on any television show. My friend grew up on the opposite side of the street 4 houses up from mine in a lime green 2 family. I could never understand why his grandfather had a lime green house ... people do that stuff intentionally?

From the time we met we have shared more than a lifetime of memories from playing little league, family tragedies,celebrations, drinking parties and all around good fun. He was there when I got married, He watched my daughter grow and treated her as though she was his niece.

When she was 2 years old I worked a second shift job, he used to stop by my house once a week and watch my daughter just so Diane could drive down and bring chocolate chip cookies to my job for us to enjoy... true friendship at its best

Whenever I did work to my home he was always the first to volunteer, the last to leave and most of all the first to crack a beer when the job was done.

When he met the love of his life it was tough for a while giving up the friend that seemed to be a permanent fixture around my home. He was like the brother in law you could never get to go home but never minded if he stayed. But as things changed and his relationship bloomed you could see a new happiness in him that hadn't been there before as if all was suddenly right with the world.

As he took his new bride this weekend with my wife and I watching on with pride I have only one thought that comes to mind ...

When will he have kids that I can spoil because payback is a bitch ......


Here's to a happy life together B&P

Luv K&D