Sunday, December 31, 2006

Time Marches on

I know I haven't blogged much over the last few months. I had decided it was in my best interest to worry about myself for a while and not things like blogging. Like everyone does we close out the old year and start a new one with hopes that things are more prosperous in one way or another, I'm no different. So as I sit here I try and plot my 2007 journey while looking back on my 2006 ups and downs.

To say 2006 was a good year for me would be a gross overstatement but to negate it to strict negative terms would be doing the things I have worked so hard on an injustice. So I've had a rough year but I'm a much better person in the process.

2006 saw me blogging about some deeply personal issues that I was aware most people would simply either not understand or view in a very negative way. I have to say I was a bit surprised by the reaction to some degree. Those who truly cared were supportive whether they understood it or not and those who weren't simply didn't say a word. I guess you could say not one person stepped to the plate to make it a bad thing, they just let me live without bothering me...

I went from taking Gender identity disorder as a shameful, guilty thing that I was destined to run from and hide for my entire life to talking about it. I'm happy to say that I've closed the circle of people smaller and smaller about those who know and we are getting down to the core group that will be brought into the loop next.

Overall for the first time in my life I'm feeling better about this issue and myself. My cousin always had a saying .. "It is what it is" and I guess I've learned that this is just that. I cannot control it but I cannot allow it to take control of me. I've grown by leaps and bounds this year and I thank everyone who supported me and showed me that life needs to be lived and not just survived.

The one person who never ceases to amaze me is my wife who has not only showed me love in this but showed me the better I become for it, the more in love she becomes with me. If there was ever a rock in my life to lean on then she was the one.

My daughter started coming back into my life this year which was an absolute joy for me. She had been the person I missed the most over the last few years. I'm sad in the fact that things turned sour again and the decisions she has made hurt our whole family. Regardless of those decisions we all love her dearly and hope she stays safe and well. Recently she delivered news to us that we viewed as less than happy. I feel bad in the sense that I want to support her but I'm having a hard time being supportive of something that I don't agree with. Recently she got upset with me because I wouldn't discuss it with her. I tried to explain that in the discussion one person will walk away hurt. If I tell her my true feelings then she gets hurt and if I lie I walk away hurt, I've chosen to simply not deal with it for now. I know it sounds like a cop out but it seems to be the only way to preserve myself for now.

I love my daughter with all my heart, I simply cannot be around the people she has chosen to spend her life with so in my world the most important people have to be Diane and I for now.

So many things have happened this year yet when we hit the end of the year it almost becomes a blur now. Some friends got married, Two bought houses, One got a Jackson endorsement. We added a new puppy to our home. I bought a mustang. The one thing that remains constant in the whole thing is that time marches on and it marched quickly this year.


So as I sit here in a quiet house pondering what changes I've made and what changes are coming in the upcoming year I tip my glass to all of my friends. I salute all of you and hope that all your dreams come true for the new year and most of all I thank you for being there for me in the past year. You all hold a special place in not only my heart but Diane's as well .....


Happy 2007 peoples

Friday, December 22, 2006

He's settling in just well ..


Well we decided on his name it's RYDER! .. a variation on rider which is what we like to do on our Harley's ...He's getting along great with our Shepherd and she seems to be a lot happier with the youngin around to annoy her...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

New Family member


With all the changes in dynamics back and forth this year it had become noticible that our Shepherd was having seperation anxiety when we were leaving the house. We had always considered adopting a 2nd dog for her to have as a playmate as Shepherds are high energy dogs and our Moxie is no different.

Recently some friends of ours had a very good experience with a local rescue league. Dee and I we very opposed to starting from a puppy but it seemed as though all the stars aligned in that manner for us and Moxie.

This is the newest member of the Mayday household and he has yet to be named. At 8 weeks he had weighed 11 pounds so it is safe to assume he will be a good sized dog...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

oh well

You Will Die at Age 85

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Family history

A few years ago I decided it would be in my best interest to learn about the origins of my family for not only me but my daughter. I figured it would be nice to have so my daughter would be able to hand it down to her children and eventually grandchildren.

In my searches a few years ago I was using an online genealogy site when I came across a posting that struck me. It was from a pair of girls searching for their dad whom they had never met. It seems their mom have given them up for adoption when they were very young and their dad never knew of their existence.

The ad they had placed made mention of a circus trainer and an area that he may have spent time in. As I read the ad I slowly became shocked because part of my family history was unfolding before my eyes.

My Uncle Bill was an Elephant trainer for the Barnum and Baily circus and for the most part a gypsy. I believe he had gotten involved with the circus through an uncle of his or even a grandfather. What stuck me was that he never knew that his daughters even existed. The ad that I was reading were in fact long lost cousins searching for their family.

When I got in contact with them I figured i could help them locate their dad. No one in the family had heard from him in years and sadly my own father took his life in 1995 so I didn't have his knowledge t fall back on. I did the next best thing and contacted an Aunt I knew of but never met.

The mistake the girls were making was the fact that they were searching for a William Maynard which was My Uncles legal name. Having had a lot of shady past in my family I heard stories of the name being hidden for a period of time to keep my grandfather out of jail. My grandfather had taken on his mothers maiden name of Manigan and never told the children of their origins. It wasn't until my dad would get thrown out of the military and told to get his name fixed that the truth would come to light. My Uncle would never fix his last name to the correct surname..

When I knew exactly who I was looking for it was a matter of a few keystrokes to find out that my Uncle Bill had already past away in Garland (Hot Springs) Arkansas. The girls would never get to meet their dad unfortunately. My Uncle did have a son but that boy never knew what his true surname was so to this date he still uses the name Daniel Manigan... unaware he has cousins and even sisters from the Maynard surname...

I dropped out of doing the genealogy search for a while but in a quest of finding out my new found cousin continued on with the search and opened up a plethora of information regarding our family. Tonight as I was reading though my family tree and searching further for info I got a scope for where my family tree goes which is nothing short of amazing..

My family is among the oldest in this country starting with Thomas Minor (1608 - 1690) coming to this country and landing in Salem Ma on July 1629. He was one of the founding members of the First Church in this country. The old north church in Boston is the Second Church and was known as such. Apparently Thomas was one of the first settlers to start the puritan (Protestant) religion in this country.... not bad considering my true views on the church ....

It simply amazes me that my roots are so deep in this country and in New England in general. I guess you could say I am lucky enough to have had family that lived through every ounce of modern history this country has endured since its birth ..

Cool huh ...

Friday, November 03, 2006

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hey how ya been

Well it has most certainly been a while since I posted anything of substance. I had decided to step back because I needed to get out of the negative funk I had been in and just start to let life be. I've been told by numerous people I over think everything and I need to just be. Well that's something I have been trying to do more of and not get sucked in by any negative black holes.

So what's news?

Annah Moore's book came out this past week and showed up on my doorstep Monday evening. For those who aren't aware that may read this Annah is a cool friend of mine who kicks ass on the guitar. Annah has written a book with her experience about G.I.D, Transsexualism and Transition

I sat and read the book over the course of two evenings and I have to say I'm quite impressed with her insight. Her book is written in a well spoken and thought out manner. While we have had prior discussions about a lot of what ended up in her book, it amazes me how many parallels that anyone dealing with this seem to have. To sit and read another persons experience and be able to so closely and directly relate it to your own is nothing short of mind numbing.

If you are dealing with this issue or simply want to educate yourself please take it upon yourself to read this book. The more people that educate themselves the healthier this world becomes..

Knowledge is power...


You can find her book at http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-39523-6

I challenge people to open their minds and read it without prejudice


Next up,

I've been taking more and more steps to let people know what has been going on with me and the circle of people that know is slowly closing in now. For most this may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. This is the biggest step in releasing myself of all the years of guilt, frustration and self hatred. In every step I've made it has been refreshing and freeing. as difficult as this is to deal with it has made me feel more at ease not running for the first time in life.

This is it for now but it certainly beats complaining ..Hope ya'll are well and have a kick ass day

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Back to reality

Don't forget to set your clocks back today... time to hibernate for the winter ..

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fear, Frustration, Guilt and time to eat Crowe

In a hastily made decision very early yesterday morning on very little sleep I yanked my blog down and sent out emails regarding the fact I was pulling it. I have had a few people come forward in the last 24 hours and kick me in the ass a bit so I'm going to get this out in the open ..

Chad, Todd and Diane~

Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.

Emily~

My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.

Annah~

Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..


I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.

At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,

During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.

When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.

Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.

It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.

So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..

The blogs purpose simply put..

Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..

I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..

In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.



"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.

I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Rain

Nice cool rain tonight and the sound is sooo soothing. Nice way to clear the head and be at peace with your thoughts. Yesterdays entry may have seemed a bit cryptic or out in left field and who knows maybe from the outside looking in it was. Maybe a bit of insecurity from the inside makes it that.

Things are good, life is ok. I'm just learning to cope with it a bit differently. I've never been out of my element like this, some days are good ones, some days are rough ones, but at the end of the road at least I'm still here to weather the rough ones and take in the good ones.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not asking for permission or validation .. I'm just learning. Learning how to deal with a world that I'm looking at with wider eyes for the first time. When dealing with the G.I.D apparently it can be a common thing, it is the first time I've not sheltered the way I felt or view the world around me.

My way of dealing has always been to put my thoughts in writing, and my feelings into the guitar it is all good therapy.

My insecurity is what has been driving me lately. It's been making me more aware of not only my surroundings but people around me. It's made me feel like I'm constantly being watched and it isn't something I've been accustomed to dealing with through my life. At least I'm experiencing and learning from it... Before I was numb to it, now I'm just aware...

Tonight we went out to panera for a light dinner and just talked. For the first time my wife was able to put some things into perspective for me that were a little harder for me to view without being a bit blinded by my own thoughts and emotions. She made a lot of sense and the nice part was she understood where I was coming from and pointed to things that were good for me to see...

More back in the day remembering


I always loved this picture. This was late in 1985 from the day my daughter was baptized. Yes baptized!! don't ask ... lol .. Everytime I see this picture it reminds me of how young we were when we started out. As young as we were and as tough as it was I still wouldn't change that part of my life. I think in a lot of respects it kept me on the planet for a little longer than I originally thought I'd be.. .

I look at this photo of my wife from then and photos now, I have to say she grew more and more beautiful with age.



Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I'm tired

I'm tired.. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of living with this, I'm tired of fear and frustration, I'm tired of suddenly feel so insecure over everything, I'm tired of people who take but cannot give and I'm just plain tired of living tonight.

I try so hard to be open, giving and caring. Maybe I try too hard who knows. I try to be generous with my time, my ear, my compassion and my money. I constantly try to give but rarely ever get in return.

Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that check in and try and make sure I'm good. I appreciate those people more than I could ever express to them, albeit I try to make sure they know it.

I'm not sure when the turning point was for me I can't put my finger on the day or anything. I was always outgoing and confident even with my hidden secrets. But lately I'm insecure and I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm constantly beating myself up wondering what people think and caring too much about what they think. My skin has gotten thin.. thinner than it has been since I was a kid..

When I was young I was semi introverted, unsure of myself in this world and not extremely outgoing. As I got older music and bands changed that for me. I became a little more of an extrovert and I noticed that people were drawn to me.

Call it cocky or call it confidence, whatever you want, but I had that certain charisma that people seemed to be drawn towards. I was never a follower, I couldn't be. My wife knew it. she could never understand how no matter where we went someone would either know me or talk to me like they had known me their whole lives.. Is that being cocky? who knows

The confidence was a good way of not letting people in and it certainly helped keep me from being hurt by people. It helped hide the real me, it helped conceal my darkest fears and make them shielded from making me a vulnerable person

So how did I go from people being drawn to me to feeling as though I've been pushing them away?When did I lose that self confidence I had become so used too.

Tonight I'm certainly tired..... I'm tired of life..

in the day Circa 1986

Friday, October 06, 2006

Lesson~ turn the lights on!

Well, I was making my breafast this am getting ready for work. Ever since I started losing weight I make it a point to eat breakfast which was something I never used to do..

While at the stove doing my scrambled eggs Diane walked by me with a basket of clothes going towards the basement. I asked her what she was doing, it isn't normal in our house to be doing laundry at 5 am.. She said she needed her clothe for the gym tonight so she was going to do an early load..

Within a minute I heard a bang and a scream.. She fell on the stairs and hit the baseboard heater at the bottom near the floor. Looks like she may have broken her little toe. I flew down there and once she said she was ok my only reply was .. Why didn't you put the light on ... I got that blank stare again ....

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Big stuff happenin

Big news on the horizon and I don't want to drop the ball just yet and jinx anything. That's just a nice way of saying I don't wanna be embarassed if it falls through.. lol .. Diane and I are working on a new venture and it could mean financial security for a while if it pans out .. kind of exciting and scary all at once.... more to come!!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Um??????? Hamster neglect?

Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

POSTED: 7:40 am EDT October 2, 2006
UPDATED: 7:45 am EDT October 2, 2006

JANESVILLE, Wis. -- Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.

Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.

The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters.

The woman was already is facing charges of failing to provide shelter and food to a Great Dane removed from her home in August.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Changes

Been a pretty busy weekend for Dee and me .. lol .. I made a rhyme!! .. We just got back from the White Mountains this am on an overnight trip as my oldest friend got married yesterday. When I say "oldest" friend that is to say that we have been friends for the better part of 35 years.

He had a nice ceremony at a little Inn nestled in the mountains of NH. The backdrop for his vows was an area overlooking a hill and a mountain range in the distance. While it was a quaint ceremony with only 13 of his closest relatives and friends it was definitely a memorable way to pledge his love to his new wife.

When I grew up in Lawrence Ma it was on a middle class American city street much like you see on any television show. My friend grew up on the opposite side of the street 4 houses up from mine in a lime green 2 family. I could never understand why his grandfather had a lime green house ... people do that stuff intentionally?

From the time we met we have shared more than a lifetime of memories from playing little league, family tragedies,celebrations, drinking parties and all around good fun. He was there when I got married, He watched my daughter grow and treated her as though she was his niece.

When she was 2 years old I worked a second shift job, he used to stop by my house once a week and watch my daughter just so Diane could drive down and bring chocolate chip cookies to my job for us to enjoy... true friendship at its best

Whenever I did work to my home he was always the first to volunteer, the last to leave and most of all the first to crack a beer when the job was done.

When he met the love of his life it was tough for a while giving up the friend that seemed to be a permanent fixture around my home. He was like the brother in law you could never get to go home but never minded if he stayed. But as things changed and his relationship bloomed you could see a new happiness in him that hadn't been there before as if all was suddenly right with the world.

As he took his new bride this weekend with my wife and I watching on with pride I have only one thought that comes to mind ...

When will he have kids that I can spoil because payback is a bitch ......


Here's to a happy life together B&P

Luv K&D

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Hmm seems pretty on to me/ Thanks Em!


You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Frivolous behaviors

As I write these I will probably do a lot of jumping around within different time periods as memory brings these events back to my mind. As I've mentioned in a previous post my mom always had a knack for reasoning out bad behaviors to substantiate what she was doing was right..

"New Furniture"

When I was about 23 my mother had decided to replace her living room set. At that time I was working 2nd shift and living in the next city with my family. The distance between us served us well most of the time and created an environment that we could actually get along in. This doesn't mean that the way she handled herself was better IMO, I just didn't have to be around it.

Mom had settled on a living room set from a local dealer known as "Furniture world" and after picking what she wanted it was determined that it would be up to 6 weeks before she would take delivery. When the set finally arrived she was anything but happy.

Mom had pointed out to me that she didn't like the way the material was sitting on the cushions and had decided that this was poor workmanship and wanted it fixed. She got on the phone with the dealer and they made an appointment to send someone out.

When the serviceman came he didn't see much wrong with the set but to appease my mom he offered to steam the fabric so it would sit a little more smoothly . It was agreed this would probably take care of the issue she was unhappy with .... WRONG!

When she would become disgruntled she was always a determined one in getting what she wanted which meant fighting with the furniture store almost daily. The store feeling there was nothing wrong with the merchandise refused to do anything further. This obviously didn't sit well and she decided to even the score.

On a determined trip to the furniture store one day mom happened to trip on a display in the store, fell down, and destroyed a set of reading glasses in the process. What most people never knew was the fact that the fall was staged and a lawsuit was in the making!!

I've never agreed with it and was ashamed of her for doing it even to this day. I couldn't believe a person who raised me explaining how much she hated liars was just as bad as the lessons she taught.

In the end the store settled out of court for thousands of dollars in court fees, lawyers fees, lost wages,medical bills, pain and suffering and most of all ..1 set of broken reading glasses. Mom got her money in such a proud manner, she had beat the furniture store after they "screwed" her over on a living room set ...

Funny how people can justify doing bad things just so they can look themselves in the mirror. I've never told anyone outside my family and closest friends of that story, but to this day I am bothered that she did it....

Stupid people

Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Him Back
Email this StorySep 20, 7:41 AM (ET)

(AP) Gu Gu, a six-year-old panda, eats near the entrance to its enclosure at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept....Full Image
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BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.

(AP) A young girl lies down beside a sleeping panda, behind a window at Beijing Zoo Wednesday Sept. 20,...Full Image"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Sooo

Well I've been thinking about it over the last few days and I figure I have a few good blogs in me so I might as well say my peace.. What I am about to discuss is a deep core issue with me but very unrelated to my G.I.D.. I am proud to say that given the story of my life I have been lucky enough to not only turn out very well considering, I am lucky to have people in my life that care enough for me to keep going..

Mom...

My mom is for the most part a good person who seems to be taken over by moments of poor choices. She will always substantiate her poor behavior or lapses of good judgement with reasoning as to why what she did was alright.

My mother was born in 1936 and was the youngest of 3 children two whom have already past on. My mom and my dad lived on the second floor of my grandparents home and that's essentially where I was raised. While I could get into the circumstances of their separation I will save that for a spotlight blog on the old man.. For now lets concentrate on devil woman... LOL

Now before you go off thinking I'm a jerk for that let me first add this disclaimer. No matter what has gone on between my mom and I, or the poor treatment I've received deep down I love my mom. Unfortunately for our relationship this usually means I am on the end of some kind of abuse.

My mom was never a drinker, did drugs or really got in much trouble. She didn't sleep around and after my dad left other than 2 serious relationships there was never a strange man in our home. I think that may have been part of her problem.

In my mothers quest to make me a responsible adult it was her desire to make me a man one way or the other. To make anyone reading this understand this mentality, my mom made it a point to tell me as a young child and through my teen years that if i got picked on or got pushed around and I didn't fight then she would beat the shit double out of me when I got home.

This was all well and good for someone not only dealing with G.I.D from a very young age but who never had the build of a fighter. I've always been smaller than my peers and never really had the stomach for it. Not that I never fought as a kid, there were times I would have no choice but it was something that to this day I despised. I took quite a few beatings over this.

I never understood her behaviour as a kid, I just assumed this was normal living. There were times as a kid a beating or verbal abuse could be justified by her at the drop of a hat. Not cleaning my room or getting poor grades would always be decent reasons.

Emotionally I lived my life having my mom hating my father for leaving. He left when I was 2 for the west coast and it would be 15 years before I would see him again. Growing up my mom would constantly berate my father to me, tell me how much of a bad person he was or how he was lazy and good for nothing.

When she would get mad mom would never hesitate to tell me how I was just like my father. Sitting here today I guess she would never understand the impact of that when she did it, but I lived my life thinking I was doomed to be a horrible person. I would later learn in life that it was the things I hated in my dad that would force me to do better in my own life, or at least try.

By the time my teenage years rolled around I was not only dealing with my own emotional issue but dealing with someone who was the person I should have been able to ask for help and instead I lived in fear because of the hatred she had for those types of issues.

Mom decided in my last year of junior high that she was better suited to work the night shift and this meant sleep all morning up all night. Other than weekend afternoons and the occasional vacation I didn't get to see my mom unless it was time to get my ass kicked ..

She never understood why I became emotionally unattached from her at at one point even mentioned to my wife that I had changes as a teen and became colder towards her. I spend the better part of 25 years trying to make my mom proud but at every turn it would inevitably fail..

So let me ask you, how do you confide in someone a deep dark issue under those circumstances..

Lots more to come.....

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Reevalutation and Shuffling the deck

I've been stuck in a bit of a fog this afternoon not feeling very well and doing a lot of thinking over different things. We as human beings are constantly evaluating where we are and where we are going. We tend to do this at major intervals within our lives. Birth of children, Death of relatives, Major birthdays and graduations.

Recently in my quest to rid myself of years of pent up guilt and frustration I've been in the middle of just that, reevaluation.

If you were to be able to get into my mind before you would know that I was a pretty caring individual and always ready to help out. The flip side to this was the fact that I was always very blunt about things and at times I could be an ass to people. I would pride myself on the fact that no matter what you thought of me you knew where you stood with me.

In my elimination of guilt and working on myself over the last year or so I've learned to feel a bit better about myself and tried to rid myself of that jerk I could become. One would think that kind of turn around is a good thing and I would tend to agree. Lately I've been thinking that in becoming more open I've tended to overshoot my way of thinking and I've possibly become too open with people.

I used to be a very private person for obvious reasons and would rarely let people get past the shell for fear of what they could learn. Recently I've been very much the opposite and while it has made me feel better about myself, it could be too much for other people. Is there a point of being too caring or to quick to share? Is there a point that being nice becomes a bit too much?

I'm beginning to think I need to step back a bit and just let people breathe around me, but hey ..What do I know ... evaluations suck because reality always sets in ..

Friday, September 15, 2006

Sept 15th 1995

It was 16 years ago @ 6:30 pm I married my wife Diane. I have never regretted that decision once in the whole time we have been together. We aren't a typical married couple or at least not the same as others around us that we both know.

Diane has always been my best friend in the deepest sense of the word. She has never judged me in my weakness, never laughed at my darkest secrets, stood behind me through a lot of bad times and most of all celebrated a lot of good times with me.

When I say we aren't the typical married couple we simply do not fit into what the conventional married stereo type is all about. We both love spending our time together and love being together. While we have occasions where we go do our own things most of the time we spend hanging around each other. When a weekend is in sight it usually isn't the typical Sat I'm taking off with my friends routine, it is what would you like to do this weekend. I'd never trade that for anything in this world ..

When Diane and I got married we had a small wedding or at least smaller than most, it was about 80 people. Our first song that we danced to was "Forever" by Kiss as we were both 80's kids. Our honeymoon was spent in Niagara Falls NY and the rest follow to where we are today.

People who know me probably know I have a very wide love of music. It transcends all different types of music from Heavy Metal to Country. Recently on a drive a song came on that was on a local country station called "Good morning Beautiful"

"Good morning beautiful, how was your night"
"Mine was wonderful with you by my side"
"When I open my eye and see your sweet face"
"It's a good morning beautiful day"

Cheesy? Maybe but I've told Diane I think of her every time I hear it and these days it is the song I associate with her. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be with but most of all I couldn't ask for a better friend so here's my salute to my loving wife ...

"Here's to another 16 babe, you are my world"

Luv ~Me~

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Impersonal Electronic Connections

I.E.C~

Email, Internet forums, Instant messaging,Online Gaming,Online Shopping, Internet dating, Ebay, Online Classifieds etc etc etc etc etc ..the list goes on. Where we have come as a race is pretty amazing in terms of communication within the structures of everyday life. It still boggles my mind that I can write a letter and in seconds (unless the Internet is asleep) it is in whomever mailbox waiting to be digested. At any rate the technology is an awesome tool to have at our disposal.

The problem that we have is the lack of personal interaction and this causes the brain to forget the human being on the other end of the communication. People are cool and people suck severely at times. The fact is that we are all different and we won''t always like each other. What we should be able to do is to respect each other.

All too often on Internet message boards for instance people post things that they wouldn't normally say face to face with people and these lead to what Sully coined "GIF" Gay internet fighting. I've often found that those people that could easily have nasty interaction with me on a message board acted much different in person.

So if we can respect each other face to face why is it so hard to apply those same principles to online interactions? In some sense it becomes similar to all the violence on the television and how we have become desensitized to some forms of violence and gore. I think interpersonal relationship over the Internet can end up being much the same way.

It is easy to tell someone to fuck off... sit in a bar and buy them a drink and listen to their life experiences and you may learn more than you did behind the pc ..I've been guilty at times of the same behaviour and caught myself in the process. I'm no angel and I never profess to be...I'm a flawed human being just as anyone else.. I've learned to see more value in people than just an Internet post over the last year...

Have a difference of opinion? Before you hit the enter button and send that email or post on a board let it sit for a while and when ya cool off read it again. Ask yourself if it is really worth ruining your day or someone else's ...or the best solution is too pick up the phone and talk ..you might find out that it was misinterpreted or it is just harder to act like an ass when it becomes personal and you see there are actually human beings there instead of just text ..

At any rate maybe someday I.E.C will be a Wikipedia definition .. ROTF!

~K~

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Nuts in NH AGAIN!!

Geez this is twice this week my town made the news for stupid people. I'm all for the right to bear arms, I own my own gun and I've always cherished the way NH viewed those rights but it is people like this that make it rough for the law abiding citizen to keep his rights protected ..

For the record this is the Walmart my wife and I shop at and I believe we were in the store on this particular day, I just do not know if this happened anywhere near that time ..


TheBostonChannel.com
Related To Story

Video: Man's Pistol Fires In Wal-Mart Restroom


Man's Gun Fires As He Uses Wal-Mart Restroom
Teenager In Next Stall Scared By Gunfire

POSTED: 12:48 pm EDT September 8, 2006

HUDSON, N.H. -- What do you do with the gun in your pants when you go to the john?

Police in Hudson, N.H., have charged Charles Masterson, 36, with felony reckless conduct after his pistol went off in a Wal-Mart restroom. Masterson said he was pointing his Glock semiautomatic toward the ceiling, just as he had been taught was the safest thing to do when a gun wasn't being used. The precaution backfired when the gun discharged Tuesday night while Masterson was in the bathroom.

Police said the gunshot scared the wits out of a teenage Wal-Mart employee in the next stall. The young Wal-Mart worker told police Masterson put the gun back in his pants and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. Wal-Mart employees called police.

Police charged him for putting the teenage employee in danger. Masterson's 13-year-old son also was in the bathroom.

He was jailed overnight but released Wednesday after a court appearance.
Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Remembering 9-11

I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar. Everyone remembers the pictures, but I think more and more about the sounds. I always ask people what they heard that day in New York. We've all seen the film and videotape, but the sound equipment of television crews didn't always catch what people have described as the deep metallic roar.

The other night on TV there was a documentary on the Ironworkers of New York's Local 40, whose members ran to the site when the towers fell. They pitched in on rescue, then stayed for eight months to deconstruct a skyscraper some of them had helped build 35 years before. An ironworker named Jim Gaffney said, "My partner kept telling me the buildings are coming down and I'm saying 'no way.' Then we heard that noise that I will never forget. It was like a creaking and then the next thing you felt the ground rumbling."Rudy Giuliani said it was like an earthquake.

The actor Jim Caviezel saw the second plane hit the towers on television and what he heard shook him: "A weird, guttural discordant sound," he called it, a sound exactly like lightning. He knew because earlier that year he'd been hit. My son, then a teenager in a high school across the river from the towers, heard the first plane go in at 8:45 a.m. It sounded, he said, like a heavy truck going hard over a big street grate.I think too about the sounds that came from within the buildings and within the planes--the phone calls and messages left on answering machines, all the last things said to whoever was home and picked up the phone. They awe me, those messages.Something terrible had happened. Life was reduced to its essentials. Time was short. People said what counted, what mattered.

It has been noted that there is no record of anyone calling to say, "I never liked you," or, "You hurt my feelings." No one negotiated past grievances or said, "Vote for Smith." Amazingly --or not--there is no record of anyone damning the terrorists or saying "I hate them."No one said anything unneeded, extraneous or small. Crisis is a great editor. When you read the transcripts that have been released over the years it's all so clear.Flight 93 flight attendant Ceecee Lyles, 33 years old, in an answering-machine message to her husband: "Please tell my children that I love them very much. I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could see your face again.

"Thirty-one-year-old Melissa Harrington, a California-based trade consultant at a meeting in the towers, called her father to say she loved him. Minutes later she left a message on the answering machine as her new husband slept in their San Francisco home. "Sean, it's me, she said. "I just wanted to let you know I love you."

Capt. Walter Hynes of the New York Fire Department's Ladder 13 dialed home that morning as his rig left the firehouse at 85th Street and Lexington Avenue. He was on his way downtown, he said in his message, and things were bad. "I don't know if we'll make it out. I want to tell you that I love you and I love the kids."

Firemen don't become firemen because they're pessimists. Imagine being a guy who feels in his gut he's going to his death, and he calls on the way to say goodbye and make things clear. His widow later told the Associated Press she'd played his message hundreds of times and made copies for their kids. "He was thinking about us in those final moments."

Elizabeth Rivas saw it that way too. When her husband left for the World Trade Center that morning, she went to a laundromat, where she heard the news. She couldn't reach him by cell and rushed home. He'd called at 9:02 and reached her daughter. The child reported, "He say, mommy, he say he love you no matter what happens, he loves you." He never called again. Mrs. Rivas later said, "He tried to call me. He called me."

There was the amazing acceptance. I spoke this week with a medical doctor who told me she'd seen many people die, and many "with grace and acceptance." The people on the planes didn't have time to accept, to reflect, to think through; and yet so many showed the kind of grace you see in a hospice.

Peter Hanson, a passenger on United Airlines Flight 175 called his father. "I think they intend to go to Chicago or someplace and fly into a building," he said. "Don't worry, Dad--if it happens, it will be very fast." On the same flight, Brian Sweeney called his wife, got the answering machine, and told her they'd been hijacked. "Hopefully I'll talk to you again, but if not, have a good life. I know I'll see you again some day."

There was Tom Burnett's famous call from United Flight 93. "We're all going to die, but three of us are going to do something," he told his wife, Deena. "I love you, honey."These were people saying, essentially, In spite of my imminent death, my thoughts are on you, and on love. I asked a psychiatrist the other day for his thoughts, and he said the people on the planes and in the towers were "accepting the inevitable" and taking care of "unfinished business." "At death's door people pass on a responsibility--'Tell Billy I never stopped loving him and forgave him long ago.' 'Take care of Mom.' 'Pray for me, Father. Pray for me, I haven't been very good.' " They address what needs doing.

This reminded me of that moment when Todd Beamer of United 93 wound up praying on the phone with a woman he'd never met before, a Verizon Airfone supervisor named Lisa Jefferson. She said later that his tone was calm. It seemed as if they were "old friends," she later wrote. They said the Lord's Prayer together. Then he said "Let's roll."I Just Called to Say I Love YouThe sounds of 9/11, beyond the metallic roar.

This is what I get from the last messages. People are often stronger than they know, bigger, more gallant than they'd guess. And this: We're all lucky to be here today and able to say what deserves saying, and if you say it a lot, it won't make it common and so unheard, but known and absorbed.I think the sound of the last messages, of what was said, will live as long in human history, and contain within it as much of human history, as any old metallic roar. by,Peggy Noonan

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Sullyville is on fire!

While it is a few hours early (They official knock it out @ 6:30pm) Diane and I would like to extend our hearty congrats and well wishes to the new Mr and Mrs Sullivan today. It's great to see you two commiting yourselves to each other, you make a truley awesome couple!!

Good luck Sarah and Jon!!

K&D

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Blogger Beta

I've moved the blog over the the google beta version but apparently there is some bugs in it now. According to the FAQ the only way bloggers who haven't moved over to log comments is to do anonymous comments.. go figure

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

So anyway

Well I guess that mirrors post sudenly takes on a new meaning huh? Funny enough a lot of my blogs have been laced with aspects of what I've been dealing with but the thing about writing is that it is just like a song, it can take on many interpretations based on the reader/listener wants to adhere it too.

When I started this blog it was as a joke in response to my pal Sullys blog. It was at Jons advice that I kept up with it. The funny part about it was that my blog and reading others actually had been a great outlet. Sort of a form of therapy if you will. It allowed me to learn about others and at times get my point of view across and hopefully enlighten someone else for a change. I would have never thought the outlet would be so significant for me.

After sitting back for the last few days and taking in what I had just done here I have to admit that I feel a whole lot better about myself. For a long time I dreaded the day that I had to deal with this issue, then I dreaded having to look other people in the eye and be worried of judgement, I've spent my life dreading being judged.

Now that my secret is out the fact whether anyone can laugh at me or judge has no bearing on my mood. I'm happy for the first time in my life of being purged of all the saved up guilt and worry that someone would find out. For the first time I can be judged on my own terms instead of those of a mistaken slip.. Life is good in this respect and I'm happy about it.

When I did this it wasn't for sympathy, poor me or for attention. It wasn't to cause problems for anyone close to me, it was simply to take control of my fears. Do things on my own terms and not allow this to dictate me any longer. In my life I've only ever had 2 real fears.. Heights and someone finding out about my "secret". Well it is no longer a secret an maybe eventually I kick my fear of heights someday too.

I've come a long way in a short year in dealing with this and I know full well i have a long road ahead of me. When I had my first appointment with a counselor all I could do was look at the floor out of fear,shame and embarassment, now a year later here I am...

So here's message for people..

Several people have stepped up to the plate to show me they care. Some don't understand it but are nice enough to say that the most important thing is my well being. To those people I want to say thanks I really appreciate the fact that you have taken that time to be accepting and concerned about me. You ARE true friends with very large hearts of gold and your posts and emails have been very touching, I simply couldn't ask for more..

Peace out

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Skeletons in the closet keep me awake at night

I'm approaching this blog with some trepidation as I am about to broach a very touchy subject with a lot of people. For the last few weeks I've sat back and watched as some friends have posted blogs that were very thought provoking and inspirational. It always amazes me these people walk the earth because those types of people are rare and by far better than the avg close minded individual.

Every so often out of the hundreds or thousands we encounter in our lives or on the internet there are always a handful of people who are diamonds and it is those jewels I am proud to consider friends. It's those people who I care enough about to be concerned of their feelings because before I've ever gotten the chance to consider theirs, they showed compassion for mine without hesitation. It is those people I look forward to saying hello too everyday and appreciating the fact that they take the time to do the same.

As I've stated 2 blogs this past week have had a profound affect on my thoughts and it is these I would like to address as they are the inspiration for this blog and for my thoughts.

Emthrax~ The Em Camp!

Specifically the posts Spaztic Sense and Close-mindedness I can't link to specific posts within Ems blog and I hope that she doesn't mind that I've linked to her and pointed these out.

Spaztic Sense~ "People are afraid, afraid to be themselves. Afraid to calm down, afraid to smile, afraid to work, afraid to relax, afraid to just play. Some people think too much, some people don't think enough.
Sure, you get wrapped up in things and your legs get tangled around the trivial things in life. Quit walking like that, you look like a goof. Oh wait, I'm the one walking like a goof! Go figure. Hahahaha!"

Close-mindedness~ This blog is a bit long to copy so I'll simply ask that if you are interested where this is going then please read it as she hits the nail on the head repeatedly ..

Next up is Annah Moore Rightsideout who has come to be a great friend of mine and I look up too immensely. Her blog specifically regarding fear and guilt is great

Fear

After reading these writings I walked away from my computer thinking pretty deeply of not only where I've been in life but where I am right now and how those things affect my thoughts and interactions throughout my days.

If you were to have a child that had a flaw in their genes would you want it corrected? If you had a child that had a birth defect would you want to have it corrected? I find it funny in life that in order to find innocence we easily find it in our children but not the people we interact with everyday of our lives. If our children are flawed we can easily look past the flaws out of love, so why can't we do this with each other.

There is no such thing as a black and white world as some would have us believe. To be different is not something to be ridiculed or frowned upon, but it is something makes the human experience rich and interesting. If we were to break what is different down into basics then why is it so tough to not be able to understand things as such as human sexuality, gender issues, race etc etc etc. It is much more simple to grasp diseases and biological disorders that we do not perceive to be a threat to our own well being. Yet everyday people become ostracized over simply being biologically different out of fear and control.

So here I sit ready to bare my soul and hope that I land on my feet and not my ass. I have a lot to lose in this but I also have a lot to gain in freeing myself the the guilt and fear that Annah's blog spoke of. It is in this freedom that tales will be told true .. Who are true friends and who aren't.

Those who care may not understand but will not ridicule me or judge me. These people can make a world of difference by educating themselves and understanding that it is ok to simply be different.

Those who decide that this subject is wrong, I am a freak for stating this or even that this subject has no place in our world, These are the closeminded people that Em speaks of. It is these people that cause people like me to live in fear, shame and guilt inevitably living our lives hating ourselves for things we cannot control. These people were never my friends to begin with because it was obvious they simply didn't care enough about me to take the time to understand people that deal with things such as these. I have no place in my life for people like this ..

So here we go .. The ball is in the readers court now ..

I've spent my life living in fear, guilt and most of all self hatred over a condition known as G.I.D "Gender Identity Disorder" If you have no understanding of the disorder please click the wikipedia link I've provided and read with an open mind. Please go to Annah's site and read again with an open mind and understand that as much as some people hate it, without self acceptance first we spend a lifetime of hating ourselves over that which we cannot control.

A little over a year ago after dealing with suppressing GID over a lifetime I came face to face with my self for the first time and either had to face it or kill myself in the process. I spent a lifetime of filling my life with family, work and music (bands) It was in this I found that keeping myself busy prevented me from thinking and dealing with what I'd felt and known from my earliest childhood memories. I'd often told my wife the 2 things that do not mix well with me in my life is downtime and time to think. These downtimes caused depression for weeks on end and out of fear of dealing I had done my best to keep my life full.

In my past writings here I've mentioned having a child very young and doing everything in my power to raise her to the best of my ability. Shortly before her 19th birthday she moved from my home leaving life to be just my wife and I. This for any couple leads to a time of re-evaluation IE" What now"

For me that loss of family life meant time to think, time to loathe and time to hate myself again. Not that I ever stopped those behaviors they were there daily but purposely suppressed to whatever degree I could. Dealing with these feelings have always led me through depression and bouts of anger and rage emotions that were always very hard for me to control.. In essence going through a period of life of simply hating people and society for my condition..

When given the time to think this time my life spiraled into what could be construed as the worst depression I've ever had because of .. "What now" By July of 2005 I had gotten low enough to admit I don't believe I would have been around this life too much longer and then something happened. Annah Moore's story came to the forefront and made me realize that not only was I not the only person feeling this way, but there were people who have dealt with it in a positive manner. moved on and lived their lives in peace.

After contacting Annah it was in her words that I finally got the courage to seek help and by August I had finally gotten the first help of my life regarding this issue. I owe a lot to
Annah in her compassion and most of all her desire to help others afflicted with this because she at a minimum helped me get my life back to some degree.

If you do not understand how deeply the self hatred can go and write this off as a choice then understand this. In contacting someone who had not only been through this disorder but turned her life around one would assume that you should be able to discuss this openly without judgment. Society teaches us in a manner of self preservation how to be fearful and guilty and even talking to someone with the disorder these emotions were present.. I could not even reveal to Annah who I was and I used a fake email address.

Today I am moving on and most of all happy to be still here to write this blog. I am well aware plenty of people will judge me and probably either hate me or not bother with me anymore but at the end of the day I am tired of ceding control of my life for that of closeminded people.

In closing I will state that several people close to me are aware of what I've dealt with/am dealing with and those people have still been true friends to me, it is in those people I am forever grateful. If you know me please understand nothing changes I am still the same person I am just becoming more aware of life ..Please don't treat me any differently, I value my friends.

I'm sure rumors will fly now and negative things will be said, so be it. It is better to not lie about it and be alive then to take my life and have people wonder why.

As Annah's website states

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Shakespeare: Hamlet I, 3

I'm about to find out who my true friends are ..

Latah people
~K~





Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Mirrors

Look in the mirror
what do you see
is the reflection in your eyes
what your mind intends it to be

Reads pretty simple but when thought about it can be a very complex statement. Physically when I look in the mirror I know what I can see but my mind doesn't tell me what others can actually see, or what is reality. For instance a few years ago I decided that I wasn't feeling well heathwise or emotionally and decided to take care of myself and move in healthier directions. I had reached my heaviest weight of just under 200 lbs and approaching the age of 40 that scared the hell out of me. I've lost a lot of family members due to heart issues.

When I decided to do something about it and eat better I finally got back to what should be considered a normal weight (at least for me) I'm 5'9" and 145 pounds now. Yeah yeah people will think that's a bit too thin but I've always had a very small frame so it really isn't for me. Most people in my family are short 5' to 5' 6" and they push 250/300 pounds. It was a natural tendancy for me to follow suit. I can honestly say in losing weight it made me physically feel much better.

When I look in the mirror now though I still do not see myself as a thin person. My wife and I had this conversation at a local mall recently because people who hadn't seen me in a while get blown away by the change. In the course of the conversation I asked her to point out how big she thought I was in another person and when she did I couldn't believe her, I still felt she was trying to be nice. When I pointed out what I viewed myself as in someone elses size and she just laughed... "no" she said "not even close!".. but still that mirrors reflection doesn't tell me the truth ..

That is such a basic level because it it something you can almost hold in your hand. When you discuss physical attributes the proof is right in front of your eyes and there should be no denying it. Correct?

Lets open the door to the basement now and take it to a deeper level. Is the emotional level that your reflection dictates to you what you expect of yourself? The harder question is more in the sense of how other people view you emotionally vs what you think they can see of you. This has become more of a deeper thing for me over the last year as I'm working to strip away the person that hides my true self. In essense I'm working to make myself happy and be the best peron I can be for not only my well being but that of others.

Recently my wife and I have had a rough stretch with our family. We are cool as we are strong enough to work through most issues and come out stronger for the experience in the end. In dealing with it I can't help but think about my interactions with a family member and how it differed from years gone by. I've definetly grown as a human being in the last year and I'm slowly becoming someone that I can be proud of (whether others can or not is for a different blog)

In extending myself recently it was the treatment that I got as a result that knocked my socks off. I don't feel I deserved to open myself up and get trashed in the manner I did, but it happened. When it was all said and done this person doesn't seem to think they did anything wrong and they consider themselves to be caring and loving. For the most part they really are most of the time but when it comes to certain issues they become selfish, cold and they don't see the true reflection looking at them in the mirror thus hurting those that love them in the long run.

So what do YOU see? Is it not only what you expect to see but think about whether or not it is what other people can see. Sometimes our own perceptions are skewed in what we want to beleive vs truth in advertising ... Expect to be the better person and hope you get the same in return, if you do then it is all gravy ..

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Do you care?

Just a thought .. Talk amongst yourselves

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Roses,Thorns and broken hearts

When you look at a rose you get drawn in by its beauty and what it symbolizes (Love,Friendship etc) The smoothness of the petals, the scent that is emits and the vibrant color all draw us in. Out of natural reaction we reach for the flower unaware of the thorns that hide below such beauty and in a lot of instances we get hurt.

It doesn't happen all the time, it can most certainly be as random as the roll of the dice. The lesson we learn from getting stuck be the thorn is to approach the rose with more caution and learn to not only appreciate its beauty but be wary of its secret ...

Over the last several months I've often blogged about the renewed relationship with my daughter and what it meant to me. I often wrote about the good times with her and the fact that I wanted to work at our relationship a lot more and correct what I wasn't able to years ago. I've sat and labored over the decision to share my thoughts on current events as I am told it is none of anyone's business, not even our extended family. In my working on my own self worth over the last year I've found the one thing that has made me stronger and a better person is to be able to talk about not only the good but the bad as well.

2006 was certainly shaping up to be a good year for me as I'd been working on myself, bought myself a nice car, strengthened my relationship with my wife, became more honest with people, less angry and most of all regained my daughter within my life which meant the world to me.

I've not blogged much over the last few months because life had gotten busy and something caused me to close in on myself and keep my thoughts to myself but I've now realized that I needed to write things down and get it out to heal and move forward.

My daughter moved back home on May 21st, 2006 which was her 21st birthday over issues with a controlling boyfriend. My wife and I thought it was best to allow her to come home away from the stresses and the abusive nature and clear her head. In this time we wanted her to be able to regain her independence financially as well as her everyday life. Those things included finally getting her own bank account, getting a car, going back to school and whatever she needed to be able to better herself and lead a happy life.

The first concession that was made was that she could live with us free of charge as long as she was moving forward and eventually getting schooling. The next was a bank account and ultimately her own car as she had been forced to sell hers 2 years prior by her BF's family.

On June 25th on a camping trip in Maine my daughter called home crying asking for me to come pick her up and it would later be revealed that she had been assaulted by her boyfriend. The following day a restraining order would be taken out and would be good for 30 days with a hearing for a 1 year extension at the end. We were proud of the fact she stood up for herself, took her independence back and said no more..

In the quest to help her get a car a stressed the value of her getting something she would be really happy with. This way a payment would not hurt as much and she would be willing to make the payments without resenting it. The adventure started and eventually she settled on a 2004 mitsubishi eclipse spider convertible. After several loan denials due to no credit rating we came down to 2 options. My wife could co-sign or I could loan her the money from my 401k account. The latter was chosen reluctantly with the stipulation that she would work on getting her credit score up and between 6-12 months she needed a regular loan to pay me off.

My daughter was happy getting the car she wanted and full of love and gratitude from the time she came home into a few weeks after getting the car. Several weeks ago my wife and I started to notice behavioral changes in her and were concerned she might be secretly back with her ex BF. We continually would ask her and she would always say no as well as mention to family and friends she would never be that stupid.

I was noticing after she had gotten the car that she was never home and constantly spending money which had now become a concern of mine. She hadn't started a bank account was constantly filling the gas tank of the car and even allowed the temporary registration expire before going down to pay for the permanent one. This all became a concern to me in the fact I had loaned her a very large sum of money to purchase the car.

Over the last week the behavior slipped even further in that she was staying out late without calling home anymore. Saying she was doing one thing only to take off for the entire night and again worries of the ex boyfriend surfaced all denied by my daughter. On July 26th a hearing ensued for the continuation of the restraining order ... Her boyfriend was present ..

When asked if he assaulted my daughter he readily admitted he had and it was all changed because he was getting help. My wife noted during the proceeding that he kept smiling at my daughter and winking as her.. When asked she simply stated that he was weird and the restraining order was in place for another year.. At this point our minds were set as ease that she was indeed telling the truth that she wanted to move on and get a better life for herself... Or did she..

What we would later learn was that she had been seeing the ex and even had the restraining order removed on Aug 1st all while looking me in the eye lying to me and saying no I wouldn't do that. The old daughter had indeed returned and this was the person that my wife and I not only disliked but refused to be a part of her life under those circumstances.

My daughter left my home this week again in a bitter way. She called me names and tried to cut me down emotionally and fought me over the car and the money I had loaned. I had to forcefully reposes the car and it will be listed for sale shortly so I can recoup my retirement money and even in the end it wasn't about what I tried to do nice for her, only that I was an asshole for taking the car away. She wasn't looking to protect my investment, only her own again ...

I've grown a lot in the last year, I never once raised my voice to her I only tried to do right by her and be generous with my love,time and money. I'm not mad at her although I am aware that she is again blinded by hatred for me as she has been in the past. My heart is broken by the difference now as opposed to before is that my spirit is still strong and I will move on.

I'm sure she will stop by and read this and not see the true intent of sharing this story which is to work on what has broken my heart as well as my wife. So in ending I will leave this message for my daughter.....

Jess,

We may not agree all the time, both at times have certainly had our share of heartaches and sorrows but please know what I am about to say is from my heart. While the end result wasn't what either of us had hoped for I will cherish those few good weeks you gave us when for the first time in years Mom and I saw the old Jessica. The one who was caring and compassionate. The one who would go out of her way to make sure people were happy. You gave me the best fathers day I've ever had this year and I enjoyed the time we spent together they are some of my best memories now.

I am sorry you cannot understand my feelings and I know you do not believe that you hurt us but it is the truth. I am not mad at you in the end of this, I have no anger or hatred towards you only a broken heart and disappointment. I hope that in the end of this when you look back you understand what has been left behind and that no matter what we always loved and will always love you. I for once in my life am thankful for the support of family....


Good luck
Dad ..

Monday, July 31, 2006

people care?

Ever feel used? I seem to have a knack for being the person everyone goes to when they need something. I truly am a giving person and do whatever I can to help out yet I always seem to come up with the short end of the stick. People have no issue with asking or even expecting things from me and I guess being a person who is usually willing to help it is only natural.

My problem seems to have arisen in the fact that after people get what they need from me they go along their merry way blind to my feelings or well being. It gets frustrating because all while I am being generous people live their lives being selfish.

Life was never about personal gain for me so I guess I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and just chalk it up to me being naïve. So what’s the deal with people? Is it truly human nature to just be takers all the time?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

ipods and mustangs

Man it has been a while huh? It must be due to the summer slow down or the fact that I’ve just not known what to write about lately even though things have been hectic. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that my blog has not been the only stagnant one, seems we are all in the same boat lately ..

Last week I broke down and bought an ipod adapter that interfaces into my car stereo so the stereo controls the ipod. It is really cool but there are bugs that need to be addressed with it. The adapter for whatever reason loses its connection memory and will not find the ipod after you shut the car off. The work around is to unplug the speed volume connector ..

Speed Volume is a function mainly for convertibles where the radio volume gets louder and softer with the speed of the car..this way wind and road noise do not over ride the radio. Seems like an easy enough temporary fix, hell I don’t have a convertible anyway so I unplugged it and it worked like a charm ..

Well ..so I thought .. Next day off to work I went and the ipod started up without issue, I put in my 8 hours for the day. Upon leaving work that way which was a typical mid 90s humidity soaked new england summer day I would get a bit of an eye opener ..

I jumped into a heat filled car started it up and whacked on my ac at full power, off I went …
When I looked down to set my eyes upon the dash board I got the shock .. Every gage light was on in my car, No dash lights were working, no internal directional lights, and worst of all ..no air conditioning .. Ever have a moment of panic? Well I certainly did and all I could think was " Oh crap I fried my computer"

When I got it home I should have just thought to pull the adapter out and see if it corrected itself .. but I set out on a mission hoping I had just blown a fuse or something,.. See I had the dash apart so many damn times I really didn’t feel like pulling it apart again .. When I finally did that it repaired the problem and I redid the ipod adapter 1 last time…. It works great and I can only assume the disconnected cable came in contact with something and caused the mishap ..

Todays lesson … a 2006 mustang dash comes apart rather quickly ….especially when you can do it in your sleep ..

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Normal

Before I go off on my usual tangent or rant I want to take a second to wish a lot of my friends well.

I really want to wish a happy fathers day to Sully,Annah,Keith and Tim. I hope you all get some quality time with those who have made this day yours..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And away we go!


I've had a lot of time to think over the last week about things and this one theme keeps popping up in my mind over and over again. What exactly is "normal" and how do we not only perceive that but achieve our own sense of it within ourselves.

When young boys are asked what they want to be when they grow up they often respond with being a fireman or a policeman and little girls with doctor or nurse, typical positive role models hopefully. When asked that question looking back on it maybe a good answer would have to just been "Normal"

So what is a sense of normalcy in our own lives vs those that society places on us within our given roles? I remember dealing with a range of emotional issues as a kid and not only feeling out of place in my world but also very abnormal. As a teenager being in an awkward place in life I had got myself to the point where I actually believed there was something deeply wrong with me mentality. This wasn't because I was learning disabled or weird, but more so because I didn't always feel like I belonged where I stood in relation to others in life.. I never felt intelligent even though later in life this would prove to be way off base..

I often sit and think about the human race, peoples perceptions and social advancements over the course of history. It is very apparent that human beings have evolved and grown more intelligent. We as a species have continually evolved to become not only what we are presently but much more advanced for generations to come. In this thinking I have always fallen back on 1 idea that I seem to get stuck on...


"The smarter and more advanced the human race becomes the more fucked up we become!!!"

We look at each other with specific labels, expectations and worst of all judgments. This isn't to say that society doesn't have its share of pariahs, but anything that is deemed different is always boxed and shipped out as a negative thing. The only way we as human beings can continue to evolve is to accept that there are no true boxes when it comes to the human brain.

Everything seems to be negated to black and white, right or wrong yet there is rarely ever a shade of grey when it comes to how we view other people. We are constrained by religion,politics and hatred by people who view difference as not only deviant but wrong.

One of the things in being involved with internet bulletin boards over the last 10 years or so is the richness in not only meeting and interacting with new people, but learning about the values in what makes everyone different.

Difference is not an abnormal thing and it is that individuality that helps each person shape their views and help the human race move forward by thinking outside of the proverbial box.

So why do we judge and allow people to be dictated to for simply being who they are?

Take the case of gay marriage for instance. While I can understand the control of marriage within religion defining a man and a woman specifically for the act of procreation it baffles me to think that it needs to over flow into civil life.

So why can't we extend the box to state that 2 human beings can not only love each other but share in each others lives such that all their possessions and rights are protected by law. I've always believed the constitution was setup in a manner to not infringe on the right of any minority yet we allow the religious right to not only dictate to our spiritual laws but our civil laws as well.. All because they what view as different they are allowed to label as wrong behaviour...

Do we look down on other cultures because they are different or do we fascinate ourselves by learning the richness of others who in fact contribute intellectually,spiritually and artistically to the foundations of the human race ...

I think it is about time we all learn to lose the hatred and just move forward together and worry about our own differences not those of others ...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Family time

Well I haven't posted in a few days but I felt this was a fitting thing to share. Last night I got to spend some quality time with my daughter. This was time that was not only long overdue for the two of us, but time that we couldn't have shared 2 years ago.

It's tough growing apart from the people you love so I really got to enjoy being around her and embracing her time. I'm hoping we are able to steal more of those moments in there future because that short time last night meant the world to me ...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Well isn't this fitting ...

You Are Samuel Adams

You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap.
You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour.
When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions.
You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

New days

With my daughter being home and needing transportation to her job she has been borrowing my wife’s car. Normally I start work at 7am so I’d leave my house around 6:30 am but that’s changed a bit as Diane has been driving in with me and taking my car. Her hours are earlier than mine are so I’ve offset my work schedule to 6 am to 2:15pm so they coincide with hers.

I hate getting up at 5am for work, it is definitely a drain on me but I have to say the positive side of it has been that my work days fly by and I enjoy getting out earlier, especially now that the weather is getting nicer.

Diane had an appointment this am which meant I got to take my car but instead of going in late I find it much easier to maintain the 5am routine so that I’m not messing myself up by doing the old yo yo routine.

This morning was an awesome morning to say the least. As I got to see one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve seen in quite some time. I was actually bummed out that I didn’t have my camera with me to get a memory of it.

The sun was cresting on the horizon and there were some hazy clouds riding the line between the horizon and the sunrise cutting through ½ of the lower edge of the sun. The sun itself was a magnificent red color and it was so surreal it was almost postcard like.

It is mornings like this that have now started to become enjoyable times for me. In the past I would have gone about in my grumpy unhappy manner not paying ½ a mind to things but now the beauty of the morning is something I’m able to savor and enjoy, boy how times change.

Funny how I’d never noticed it in the manner I could today …

Saturday, May 27, 2006

ok.. where are you stuck

You scored as Heavy. You are 80s Heavy Metal, rock on!!

Heavy

65%

Thrash/Speed

60%

Death/Slam

48%

Nu-Metal

40%

Power Metal

38%

Prog Metal

35%

Black Metal

23%

What metal stereotype are you?
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