Sooo

Well I've been thinking about it over the last few days and I figure I have a few good blogs in me so I might as well say my peace.. What I am about to discuss is a deep core issue with me but very unrelated to my G.I.D.. I am proud to say that given the story of my life I have been lucky enough to not only turn out very well considering, I am lucky to have people in my life that care enough for me to keep going..

Mom...

My mom is for the most part a good person who seems to be taken over by moments of poor choices. She will always substantiate her poor behavior or lapses of good judgement with reasoning as to why what she did was alright.

My mother was born in 1936 and was the youngest of 3 children two whom have already past on. My mom and my dad lived on the second floor of my grandparents home and that's essentially where I was raised. While I could get into the circumstances of their separation I will save that for a spotlight blog on the old man.. For now lets concentrate on devil woman... LOL

Now before you go off thinking I'm a jerk for that let me first add this disclaimer. No matter what has gone on between my mom and I, or the poor treatment I've received deep down I love my mom. Unfortunately for our relationship this usually means I am on the end of some kind of abuse.

My mom was never a drinker, did drugs or really got in much trouble. She didn't sleep around and after my dad left other than 2 serious relationships there was never a strange man in our home. I think that may have been part of her problem.

In my mothers quest to make me a responsible adult it was her desire to make me a man one way or the other. To make anyone reading this understand this mentality, my mom made it a point to tell me as a young child and through my teen years that if i got picked on or got pushed around and I didn't fight then she would beat the shit double out of me when I got home.

This was all well and good for someone not only dealing with G.I.D from a very young age but who never had the build of a fighter. I've always been smaller than my peers and never really had the stomach for it. Not that I never fought as a kid, there were times I would have no choice but it was something that to this day I despised. I took quite a few beatings over this.

I never understood her behaviour as a kid, I just assumed this was normal living. There were times as a kid a beating or verbal abuse could be justified by her at the drop of a hat. Not cleaning my room or getting poor grades would always be decent reasons.

Emotionally I lived my life having my mom hating my father for leaving. He left when I was 2 for the west coast and it would be 15 years before I would see him again. Growing up my mom would constantly berate my father to me, tell me how much of a bad person he was or how he was lazy and good for nothing.

When she would get mad mom would never hesitate to tell me how I was just like my father. Sitting here today I guess she would never understand the impact of that when she did it, but I lived my life thinking I was doomed to be a horrible person. I would later learn in life that it was the things I hated in my dad that would force me to do better in my own life, or at least try.

By the time my teenage years rolled around I was not only dealing with my own emotional issue but dealing with someone who was the person I should have been able to ask for help and instead I lived in fear because of the hatred she had for those types of issues.

Mom decided in my last year of junior high that she was better suited to work the night shift and this meant sleep all morning up all night. Other than weekend afternoons and the occasional vacation I didn't get to see my mom unless it was time to get my ass kicked ..

She never understood why I became emotionally unattached from her at at one point even mentioned to my wife that I had changes as a teen and became colder towards her. I spend the better part of 25 years trying to make my mom proud but at every turn it would inevitably fail..

So let me ask you, how do you confide in someone a deep dark issue under those circumstances..

Lots more to come.....