So anyway

Well I guess that mirrors post sudenly takes on a new meaning huh? Funny enough a lot of my blogs have been laced with aspects of what I've been dealing with but the thing about writing is that it is just like a song, it can take on many interpretations based on the reader/listener wants to adhere it too.

When I started this blog it was as a joke in response to my pal Sullys blog. It was at Jons advice that I kept up with it. The funny part about it was that my blog and reading others actually had been a great outlet. Sort of a form of therapy if you will. It allowed me to learn about others and at times get my point of view across and hopefully enlighten someone else for a change. I would have never thought the outlet would be so significant for me.

After sitting back for the last few days and taking in what I had just done here I have to admit that I feel a whole lot better about myself. For a long time I dreaded the day that I had to deal with this issue, then I dreaded having to look other people in the eye and be worried of judgement, I've spent my life dreading being judged.

Now that my secret is out the fact whether anyone can laugh at me or judge has no bearing on my mood. I'm happy for the first time in my life of being purged of all the saved up guilt and worry that someone would find out. For the first time I can be judged on my own terms instead of those of a mistaken slip.. Life is good in this respect and I'm happy about it.

When I did this it wasn't for sympathy, poor me or for attention. It wasn't to cause problems for anyone close to me, it was simply to take control of my fears. Do things on my own terms and not allow this to dictate me any longer. In my life I've only ever had 2 real fears.. Heights and someone finding out about my "secret". Well it is no longer a secret an maybe eventually I kick my fear of heights someday too.

I've come a long way in a short year in dealing with this and I know full well i have a long road ahead of me. When I had my first appointment with a counselor all I could do was look at the floor out of fear,shame and embarassment, now a year later here I am...

So here's message for people..

Several people have stepped up to the plate to show me they care. Some don't understand it but are nice enough to say that the most important thing is my well being. To those people I want to say thanks I really appreciate the fact that you have taken that time to be accepting and concerned about me. You ARE true friends with very large hearts of gold and your posts and emails have been very touching, I simply couldn't ask for more..

Peace out

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

Thomas Merton
US religious author, clergyman, & Trappist monk (1915 - 1968)