In a hastily made decision very early yesterday morning on very little sleep I yanked my blog down and sent out emails regarding the fact I was pulling it. I have had a few people come forward in the last 24 hours and kick me in the ass a bit so I'm going to get this out in the open ..
Chad, Todd and Diane~
Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.
Emily~
My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.
Annah~
Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..
I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.
At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,
During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.
When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.
Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.
It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.
So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..
The blogs purpose simply put..
Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..
I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..
In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.
"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.
I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~
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5 comments:
I'm very proud of you. Not just for this, but for the person you are.
Luv
Dee
Kevin, my friend, I'm very glad to see you put this back up. Although we have different issues to deal with, I have found that the blog is a great thing to have. A great place to vent, to reflect, to get our thoughts in some kind of easier to handle pieces. And there is a possiblity that someone else will see it, realize they are not alone. Or will learn and be able to deal with others better. You are an amazing person - always remember that. And never forget that I am here if you ever need a shoulder or an ear.
Stop apologizing for yourself, and just BE yourself. You'll have more positive energy. ;)
hey man ... im glad you've decided to keep the blog. i really look forward to reading your posts. i think you've come a long way from when you first started not knowing what to write - to spilling your heart out about very serious matters in your life. venting through a blog can be very therapeutic. and in doing so, you might help someone in knowing they are not alone. i hope to hear again from ya soon.
Everyone here is right Kev. As your freinds we support you and want you to thrive.
You don't have to put up posts on what you're wearing (what ARE you wearing?) every day, but when you write about things there's two benefits to it. First, it gets things off your chest. Thinking through what the problem is while writing about it can help ten-fold. Secondly, someone may happen along this blog and see what you're going through. They may contact you anonymously to discuss how you're getting through this stuff. Next thing you know, you've helped someone else.
You're a good egg Kev. You've helped me through an issue or two. Hate to see you cave in to the same type of BS!
Vive la Blog!!!
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