When I was young maybe around the age of 5 and then more so at the age of 7 I knew something was not right with me. I never understood the aspect and the differences in gender at that age so it wasn't as though I could point to it and say that I felt female in my mind.
I understood that I was being pushed to socialize and be segregated with the boy on the playground. Back in those days things were much different in the boy/girl socialization and it was never more noticeable than things like school yard recess. I specifically remember how the girls were on one side of the school yard and the boys were on the other separated by a yellow line like you would see down the center line of a divided highway.
I never understood why I couldn't go over to the girls side I just knew I wanted too. I never equated it to the differences within my mind as much as it just seemed more natural to want to be over there. I was never a rough and tumble boy it just wasn't in my nature and for the most part I tended to be a lot more sensitive than my peers.
When you are that young and thrown into a situation that you are not comfortable with it can deeply affect you. I certainly knew I had to learn to play a tough guy act if I was to survive among the other boys, after all that is how I was being socialized. At times I could play a tough guy act but if I was called on it (which happened easily I didn't appear tough) I couldn't back it up.
I think as most parents our job in nurturing our children isn't much different than training an animal to some degree. If nature dictates a specific behaviour we then take that behaviour and use it as a modified trick further evolving the behaviour in the animal. This for the most part is the easiest way to train any animal.
So how does this equate to human beings? I think any child that shows a natural positive behaviour, that particular behaviour should be reinforced and nurtured. For instance if your child shows a talent for drawing then it is easy to make drawings a positive thing thus allowing the child to hone the talent. I don't see how this couldn't be done with anything that works to make a child grow into a well rounded adult.
This was a talent my mom simply didn't have when it came to understanding her child. Anything regarding being different or being less than the other boys was something she made an attempt to correct. For instance instead of asking me what activities I might be interested in she made it a point to push me into them.
Scouts
Karate
Baseball
etc...
She tried to push me into contact sports but being the type of kid I was, the thought just simply terrified me and it was one of the few times I remember her not pushing me into it as she had done with other things.
I look back now on those times knowing what I've learned about myself wondering how I made it through. To some degree it is like being stuck in mid drift of anesthesia and having the doctor start the surgery. You are aware that it is happening but no matter how hard you try you just cannot communicate what is wrong. I'm finally thankful for the first time in my life I am able to communicate my inner self to the outer world and I only hope the world listens with acceptance and support ...
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Soaps, Blogs and stuff
When I was a kid we lived with my grandmother who was drawn to all the daily television soaps in her retirement. I used to laugh because I would get home from school and my grandmother would be sleeping on the couch with whatever show was on and she would be snoring away. The minute I would change the channel I would hear from a dead sleep "I WAS WATCHING THAT!" It always amazed me she could see the tele through her eyelids like that. I guess it isn't much different than the moms who have eyes in the backs of their heads...
I never had any desire to watch a soap and the only reason I'd ever seen one was because of my dear old grandmother. After she past away I never watched one again, I just had no interest.
Until now ..
Lemme start by saying I don't think any differently about them now as I did then for the most part I think they are garbage simply because they base story lines around negativity all the time. Recently "All my children" started a new story line that was quite ground breaking and it peaked my interest when I heard it was going to be revealed.
The story line is based around an eccentric rock star named Zarf who meets a girl that he becomes infatuated with. When he starts to get involved he finds out she is a lesbian and things start to make more sense to him .... Because he's transgendered and has been suppressing it his whole life. He knew he was but he didn't feel safe enough dealing with it until all the cards seemingly fell into place.
As we all know in soaps nothing ever "falls" into place otherwise their story lines would be boring. What they have done with the story line is intertwined a little bit of every aspect someone dealing with GID has to endure. The fear of coming out, the self hatred, the acceptance of others and worse the harsh judgement of others as well all bare heavy on the soul.
From what I've read the writers wanted to do something ground breaking and had already walked the sexuality line so they decided the next best controversial subject was that of gender. In an effort to do the story justice the got involved with PFLAG to learn more deeply about the realism of the subject.
I have to say while I hate soaps I think they are doing an awesome job of showing how hard it is for someone to come out and be who they feel they truly are. I for one have my DVR set just to watch and see how the character deals with things...Hopefully others will watch and learn with an open mind and education is never a bad thing ...
Blogs~
Well I'm not sure where I am going with Mayday's lost world in the future as I'm moving into a new blog. I may just leave it up for others to read some of the subjects I've discussed but in the near future I am moving forward and moving on. Things will be changing a great deal and I'm learning where I fit in and what feels right and doesn't. The fact is that I'm moving forward can only serve me in a positive manner and I hope that others either agree or try to understand that.
Lastly we had a dusting of snow over the past night and woke up to a very peaceful beautiful white blanket. One of the only things I love about snow is that when it is fresh it leaves me with such a tranquil feeling.
Anyway enough for now ... happy Friday to all of you
I never had any desire to watch a soap and the only reason I'd ever seen one was because of my dear old grandmother. After she past away I never watched one again, I just had no interest.
Until now ..
Lemme start by saying I don't think any differently about them now as I did then for the most part I think they are garbage simply because they base story lines around negativity all the time. Recently "All my children" started a new story line that was quite ground breaking and it peaked my interest when I heard it was going to be revealed.
The story line is based around an eccentric rock star named Zarf who meets a girl that he becomes infatuated with. When he starts to get involved he finds out she is a lesbian and things start to make more sense to him .... Because he's transgendered and has been suppressing it his whole life. He knew he was but he didn't feel safe enough dealing with it until all the cards seemingly fell into place.
As we all know in soaps nothing ever "falls" into place otherwise their story lines would be boring. What they have done with the story line is intertwined a little bit of every aspect someone dealing with GID has to endure. The fear of coming out, the self hatred, the acceptance of others and worse the harsh judgement of others as well all bare heavy on the soul.
From what I've read the writers wanted to do something ground breaking and had already walked the sexuality line so they decided the next best controversial subject was that of gender. In an effort to do the story justice the got involved with PFLAG to learn more deeply about the realism of the subject.
I have to say while I hate soaps I think they are doing an awesome job of showing how hard it is for someone to come out and be who they feel they truly are. I for one have my DVR set just to watch and see how the character deals with things...Hopefully others will watch and learn with an open mind and education is never a bad thing ...
Blogs~
Well I'm not sure where I am going with Mayday's lost world in the future as I'm moving into a new blog. I may just leave it up for others to read some of the subjects I've discussed but in the near future I am moving forward and moving on. Things will be changing a great deal and I'm learning where I fit in and what feels right and doesn't. The fact is that I'm moving forward can only serve me in a positive manner and I hope that others either agree or try to understand that.
Lastly we had a dusting of snow over the past night and woke up to a very peaceful beautiful white blanket. One of the only things I love about snow is that when it is fresh it leaves me with such a tranquil feeling.
Anyway enough for now ... happy Friday to all of you
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Winter has arrived
Well maybe not in the form of snow but we had a massive ice storm over the last few days. Lost power several times and sheets of ice over everything ..
Friday, January 12, 2007
Done right, Down under
Boy I wish our leaders would buck up and be like this. At a time when the new Massachusetts Gov rescinded an immigration law allowing police to detain Illegal immigrants this is truly that attitude we need ... As a nation where are our morale values when it comes to our own naturalized citizens ... Maybe I need to move to Aussie ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on
Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted
radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to
Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister
John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists
would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir
apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked
to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular
state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your
values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic
state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws
governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another
the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary
law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law
and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices
it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave,
he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move
to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told
reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values
should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians,
and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them,
well then, they can basically clear off", he said.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday
by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It
Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of
Australians."
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the
'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that
our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor
do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming
to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to
understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has
served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as
Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language
and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials
and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"
"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,
Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society . Learn the language!"
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing,
political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is
certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God
offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home, because God is part of our culture."
"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is
that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are
happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't
care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your
culture, but do not force it on others.
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will
allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done
complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian
beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one
other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here.
You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on
Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted
radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to
Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister
John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists
would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir
apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked
to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular
state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your
values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic
state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws
governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another
the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary
law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law
and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices
it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave,
he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move
to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told
reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values
should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians,
and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them,
well then, they can basically clear off", he said.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday
by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It
Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of
Australians."
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the
'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that
our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor
do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming
to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to
understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has
served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as
Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language
and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials
and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"
"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,
Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society . Learn the language!"
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing,
political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is
certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God
offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home, because God is part of our culture."
"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is
that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are
happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't
care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your
culture, but do not force it on others.
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will
allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done
complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian
beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one
other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here.
You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
TYFA
T.Y.F.A~ Trans Youth Family Advocates
It isn't often that I'll re post or copy a subject from another blog or website. I won't do it simply because I consider myself to be a leader and not a follower in most instances. I also like to think I'm creative enough to write from my own heart and not ride the coat tails of others. That is unless there is a coat tail that is truly worth following.
After stopping by Annah Moore's blog and subsequently Emmy's blog I decided the topic at hand was one truly worth talking about to help educate people. I hope they both understand I'm not out to jump on a bandwagon but I am looking to spread a message.
I can only start this message and explain through my own experiences with G.I.D. When I was young I had an understanding that I was different but I was not allowed to understand what that was. I grew up in a very close minded homophobic household and I was expected to be nothing less than 110% red blooded American male and anything less was unacceptable. What these early negative interactions did to me left me in a state of mind that was not healthy to my long term plans for life.
I've always had a basic understanding that I had transgendered feelings and thoughts but I'd done everything in my power to suppress it, ignore it and run from it. While I was able to function in day to day life the after affect was a person who was negative and angry with the world around them. This would inevitably lead to a constant roller coaster of emotional turmoil all through my adult life.
I can honestly say that after slowly dealing with it for a little over a year and working on who I need to be I am becoming a more balanced person. I was told by my wife today I have become happier and more centered. I still have a long way to go but every positve step sheds years of negative emotion from my soul, I couldn't ask for more ..When I decided to get help and work on myself the last thing I expected to do was make it public. What I learned from being friends with Annah Moore is that in whatever stage we are dealing with in this we need to make others aware they are not alone and there are options.
So how does the title of this thread play into this? Simple!!
Looking back on the years of my life I'm truly thankful for the accomplishments I've made but I'm also regretful for the negative damage I've done in the process. Today's youth are no different now than I was or even Annah was back when we were teenagers, that is except for one thing...
When we were young there was no Internet. There was no way of getting information without opening yourself up to ridicule because it simply wasn't discussed. Today's youth have a plethora of information at their finger tips by using any search engine and lucky enough for them have a better chance at being themselves than people Like Annah or I did.
While all this information is available to help them figure themselves out or let parents of adolescence TG children find info to help the one thing that is lacking is public education. Make no mistake we as a race are better with each generation we teach of tolerance but without a start things will never change.
If you want to learn and support please checkout this video and the web link. Learn with an open mind and most of all if you know someone in this situation please show them support and love so they can learn to be themselves and not feel like life is a lie.
Here is a list of TYFA's beliefs .
TYFA Believes: All people, especially children, have the right to be listened to when they express something as core to their sense of self as gender identity, particularly when that gender identity expression differs from their assigned birth sex.
TYFA Believes: Anyone who supports and honors a child’s gender identity expression deserves in return the support and respect of their extended families, neighbors, communities, schools, child welfare agencies, the courts and last, but not least, the medical community.
TYFA Believes: There is no greater gift we can give, or positive role-modeling we can do, than to teach our children to respect and cherish diversity
Please educate and teach each new generation tolerance..... If you are TG'd and need to talk or get info visit Annahs website or feel free to write me if even for a sympathetic ear and most of all understand you aren't alone..
~K~
It isn't often that I'll re post or copy a subject from another blog or website. I won't do it simply because I consider myself to be a leader and not a follower in most instances. I also like to think I'm creative enough to write from my own heart and not ride the coat tails of others. That is unless there is a coat tail that is truly worth following.
After stopping by Annah Moore's blog and subsequently Emmy's blog I decided the topic at hand was one truly worth talking about to help educate people. I hope they both understand I'm not out to jump on a bandwagon but I am looking to spread a message.
I can only start this message and explain through my own experiences with G.I.D. When I was young I had an understanding that I was different but I was not allowed to understand what that was. I grew up in a very close minded homophobic household and I was expected to be nothing less than 110% red blooded American male and anything less was unacceptable. What these early negative interactions did to me left me in a state of mind that was not healthy to my long term plans for life.
I've always had a basic understanding that I had transgendered feelings and thoughts but I'd done everything in my power to suppress it, ignore it and run from it. While I was able to function in day to day life the after affect was a person who was negative and angry with the world around them. This would inevitably lead to a constant roller coaster of emotional turmoil all through my adult life.
I can honestly say that after slowly dealing with it for a little over a year and working on who I need to be I am becoming a more balanced person. I was told by my wife today I have become happier and more centered. I still have a long way to go but every positve step sheds years of negative emotion from my soul, I couldn't ask for more ..When I decided to get help and work on myself the last thing I expected to do was make it public. What I learned from being friends with Annah Moore is that in whatever stage we are dealing with in this we need to make others aware they are not alone and there are options.
So how does the title of this thread play into this? Simple!!
Looking back on the years of my life I'm truly thankful for the accomplishments I've made but I'm also regretful for the negative damage I've done in the process. Today's youth are no different now than I was or even Annah was back when we were teenagers, that is except for one thing...
When we were young there was no Internet. There was no way of getting information without opening yourself up to ridicule because it simply wasn't discussed. Today's youth have a plethora of information at their finger tips by using any search engine and lucky enough for them have a better chance at being themselves than people Like Annah or I did.
While all this information is available to help them figure themselves out or let parents of adolescence TG children find info to help the one thing that is lacking is public education. Make no mistake we as a race are better with each generation we teach of tolerance but without a start things will never change.
If you want to learn and support please checkout this video and the web link. Learn with an open mind and most of all if you know someone in this situation please show them support and love so they can learn to be themselves and not feel like life is a lie.
Here is a list of TYFA's beliefs .
TYFA Believes: All people, especially children, have the right to be listened to when they express something as core to their sense of self as gender identity, particularly when that gender identity expression differs from their assigned birth sex.
TYFA Believes: Anyone who supports and honors a child’s gender identity expression deserves in return the support and respect of their extended families, neighbors, communities, schools, child welfare agencies, the courts and last, but not least, the medical community.
TYFA Believes: There is no greater gift we can give, or positive role-modeling we can do, than to teach our children to respect and cherish diversity
Please educate and teach each new generation tolerance..... If you are TG'd and need to talk or get info visit Annahs website or feel free to write me if even for a sympathetic ear and most of all understand you aren't alone..
~K~
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Time Marches on
I know I haven't blogged much over the last few months. I had decided it was in my best interest to worry about myself for a while and not things like blogging. Like everyone does we close out the old year and start a new one with hopes that things are more prosperous in one way or another, I'm no different. So as I sit here I try and plot my 2007 journey while looking back on my 2006 ups and downs.
To say 2006 was a good year for me would be a gross overstatement but to negate it to strict negative terms would be doing the things I have worked so hard on an injustice. So I've had a rough year but I'm a much better person in the process.
2006 saw me blogging about some deeply personal issues that I was aware most people would simply either not understand or view in a very negative way. I have to say I was a bit surprised by the reaction to some degree. Those who truly cared were supportive whether they understood it or not and those who weren't simply didn't say a word. I guess you could say not one person stepped to the plate to make it a bad thing, they just let me live without bothering me...
I went from taking Gender identity disorder as a shameful, guilty thing that I was destined to run from and hide for my entire life to talking about it. I'm happy to say that I've closed the circle of people smaller and smaller about those who know and we are getting down to the core group that will be brought into the loop next.
Overall for the first time in my life I'm feeling better about this issue and myself. My cousin always had a saying .. "It is what it is" and I guess I've learned that this is just that. I cannot control it but I cannot allow it to take control of me. I've grown by leaps and bounds this year and I thank everyone who supported me and showed me that life needs to be lived and not just survived.
The one person who never ceases to amaze me is my wife who has not only showed me love in this but showed me the better I become for it, the more in love she becomes with me. If there was ever a rock in my life to lean on then she was the one.
My daughter started coming back into my life this year which was an absolute joy for me. She had been the person I missed the most over the last few years. I'm sad in the fact that things turned sour again and the decisions she has made hurt our whole family. Regardless of those decisions we all love her dearly and hope she stays safe and well. Recently she delivered news to us that we viewed as less than happy. I feel bad in the sense that I want to support her but I'm having a hard time being supportive of something that I don't agree with. Recently she got upset with me because I wouldn't discuss it with her. I tried to explain that in the discussion one person will walk away hurt. If I tell her my true feelings then she gets hurt and if I lie I walk away hurt, I've chosen to simply not deal with it for now. I know it sounds like a cop out but it seems to be the only way to preserve myself for now.
I love my daughter with all my heart, I simply cannot be around the people she has chosen to spend her life with so in my world the most important people have to be Diane and I for now.
So many things have happened this year yet when we hit the end of the year it almost becomes a blur now. Some friends got married, Two bought houses, One got a Jackson endorsement. We added a new puppy to our home. I bought a mustang. The one thing that remains constant in the whole thing is that time marches on and it marched quickly this year.
So as I sit here in a quiet house pondering what changes I've made and what changes are coming in the upcoming year I tip my glass to all of my friends. I salute all of you and hope that all your dreams come true for the new year and most of all I thank you for being there for me in the past year. You all hold a special place in not only my heart but Diane's as well .....
Happy 2007 peoples
To say 2006 was a good year for me would be a gross overstatement but to negate it to strict negative terms would be doing the things I have worked so hard on an injustice. So I've had a rough year but I'm a much better person in the process.
2006 saw me blogging about some deeply personal issues that I was aware most people would simply either not understand or view in a very negative way. I have to say I was a bit surprised by the reaction to some degree. Those who truly cared were supportive whether they understood it or not and those who weren't simply didn't say a word. I guess you could say not one person stepped to the plate to make it a bad thing, they just let me live without bothering me...
I went from taking Gender identity disorder as a shameful, guilty thing that I was destined to run from and hide for my entire life to talking about it. I'm happy to say that I've closed the circle of people smaller and smaller about those who know and we are getting down to the core group that will be brought into the loop next.
Overall for the first time in my life I'm feeling better about this issue and myself. My cousin always had a saying .. "It is what it is" and I guess I've learned that this is just that. I cannot control it but I cannot allow it to take control of me. I've grown by leaps and bounds this year and I thank everyone who supported me and showed me that life needs to be lived and not just survived.
The one person who never ceases to amaze me is my wife who has not only showed me love in this but showed me the better I become for it, the more in love she becomes with me. If there was ever a rock in my life to lean on then she was the one.
My daughter started coming back into my life this year which was an absolute joy for me. She had been the person I missed the most over the last few years. I'm sad in the fact that things turned sour again and the decisions she has made hurt our whole family. Regardless of those decisions we all love her dearly and hope she stays safe and well. Recently she delivered news to us that we viewed as less than happy. I feel bad in the sense that I want to support her but I'm having a hard time being supportive of something that I don't agree with. Recently she got upset with me because I wouldn't discuss it with her. I tried to explain that in the discussion one person will walk away hurt. If I tell her my true feelings then she gets hurt and if I lie I walk away hurt, I've chosen to simply not deal with it for now. I know it sounds like a cop out but it seems to be the only way to preserve myself for now.
I love my daughter with all my heart, I simply cannot be around the people she has chosen to spend her life with so in my world the most important people have to be Diane and I for now.
So many things have happened this year yet when we hit the end of the year it almost becomes a blur now. Some friends got married, Two bought houses, One got a Jackson endorsement. We added a new puppy to our home. I bought a mustang. The one thing that remains constant in the whole thing is that time marches on and it marched quickly this year.
So as I sit here in a quiet house pondering what changes I've made and what changes are coming in the upcoming year I tip my glass to all of my friends. I salute all of you and hope that all your dreams come true for the new year and most of all I thank you for being there for me in the past year. You all hold a special place in not only my heart but Diane's as well .....
Happy 2007 peoples
Friday, December 22, 2006
He's settling in just well ..
Well we decided on his name it's RYDER! .. a variation on rider which is what we like to do on our Harley's ...He's getting along great with our Shepherd and she seems to be a lot happier with the youngin around to annoy her...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
New Family member
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With all the changes in dynamics back and forth this year it had become noticible that our Shepherd was having seperation anxiety when we were leaving the house. We had always considered adopting a 2nd dog for her to have as a playmate as Shepherds are high energy dogs and our Moxie is no different.
Recently some friends of ours had a very good experience with a local rescue league. Dee and I we very opposed to starting from a puppy but it seemed as though all the stars aligned in that manner for us and Moxie.
This is the newest member of the Mayday household and he has yet to be named. At 8 weeks he had weighed 11 pounds so it is safe to assume he will be a good sized dog...
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
oh well
| You Will Die at Age 85 |
 Congratulations! You take good care of yourself. You're poised to live a long, healthy life. |
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Family history
A few years ago I decided it would be in my best interest to learn about the origins of my family for not only me but my daughter. I figured it would be nice to have so my daughter would be able to hand it down to her children and eventually grandchildren.
In my searches a few years ago I was using an online genealogy site when I came across a posting that struck me. It was from a pair of girls searching for their dad whom they had never met. It seems their mom have given them up for adoption when they were very young and their dad never knew of their existence.
The ad they had placed made mention of a circus trainer and an area that he may have spent time in. As I read the ad I slowly became shocked because part of my family history was unfolding before my eyes.
My Uncle Bill was an Elephant trainer for the Barnum and Baily circus and for the most part a gypsy. I believe he had gotten involved with the circus through an uncle of his or even a grandfather. What stuck me was that he never knew that his daughters even existed. The ad that I was reading were in fact long lost cousins searching for their family.
When I got in contact with them I figured i could help them locate their dad. No one in the family had heard from him in years and sadly my own father took his life in 1995 so I didn't have his knowledge t fall back on. I did the next best thing and contacted an Aunt I knew of but never met.
The mistake the girls were making was the fact that they were searching for a William Maynard which was My Uncles legal name. Having had a lot of shady past in my family I heard stories of the name being hidden for a period of time to keep my grandfather out of jail. My grandfather had taken on his mothers maiden name of Manigan and never told the children of their origins. It wasn't until my dad would get thrown out of the military and told to get his name fixed that the truth would come to light. My Uncle would never fix his last name to the correct surname..
When I knew exactly who I was looking for it was a matter of a few keystrokes to find out that my Uncle Bill had already past away in Garland (Hot Springs) Arkansas. The girls would never get to meet their dad unfortunately. My Uncle did have a son but that boy never knew what his true surname was so to this date he still uses the name Daniel Manigan... unaware he has cousins and even sisters from the Maynard surname...
I dropped out of doing the genealogy search for a while but in a quest of finding out my new found cousin continued on with the search and opened up a plethora of information regarding our family. Tonight as I was reading though my family tree and searching further for info I got a scope for where my family tree goes which is nothing short of amazing..
My family is among the oldest in this country starting with Thomas Minor (1608 - 1690) coming to this country and landing in Salem Ma on July 1629. He was one of the founding members of the First Church in this country. The old north church in Boston is the Second Church and was known as such. Apparently Thomas was one of the first settlers to start the puritan (Protestant) religion in this country.... not bad considering my true views on the church ....
It simply amazes me that my roots are so deep in this country and in New England in general. I guess you could say I am lucky enough to have had family that lived through every ounce of modern history this country has endured since its birth ..
Cool huh ...
In my searches a few years ago I was using an online genealogy site when I came across a posting that struck me. It was from a pair of girls searching for their dad whom they had never met. It seems their mom have given them up for adoption when they were very young and their dad never knew of their existence.
The ad they had placed made mention of a circus trainer and an area that he may have spent time in. As I read the ad I slowly became shocked because part of my family history was unfolding before my eyes.
My Uncle Bill was an Elephant trainer for the Barnum and Baily circus and for the most part a gypsy. I believe he had gotten involved with the circus through an uncle of his or even a grandfather. What stuck me was that he never knew that his daughters even existed. The ad that I was reading were in fact long lost cousins searching for their family.
When I got in contact with them I figured i could help them locate their dad. No one in the family had heard from him in years and sadly my own father took his life in 1995 so I didn't have his knowledge t fall back on. I did the next best thing and contacted an Aunt I knew of but never met.
The mistake the girls were making was the fact that they were searching for a William Maynard which was My Uncles legal name. Having had a lot of shady past in my family I heard stories of the name being hidden for a period of time to keep my grandfather out of jail. My grandfather had taken on his mothers maiden name of Manigan and never told the children of their origins. It wasn't until my dad would get thrown out of the military and told to get his name fixed that the truth would come to light. My Uncle would never fix his last name to the correct surname..
When I knew exactly who I was looking for it was a matter of a few keystrokes to find out that my Uncle Bill had already past away in Garland (Hot Springs) Arkansas. The girls would never get to meet their dad unfortunately. My Uncle did have a son but that boy never knew what his true surname was so to this date he still uses the name Daniel Manigan... unaware he has cousins and even sisters from the Maynard surname...
I dropped out of doing the genealogy search for a while but in a quest of finding out my new found cousin continued on with the search and opened up a plethora of information regarding our family. Tonight as I was reading though my family tree and searching further for info I got a scope for where my family tree goes which is nothing short of amazing..
My family is among the oldest in this country starting with Thomas Minor (1608 - 1690) coming to this country and landing in Salem Ma on July 1629. He was one of the founding members of the First Church in this country. The old north church in Boston is the Second Church and was known as such. Apparently Thomas was one of the first settlers to start the puritan (Protestant) religion in this country.... not bad considering my true views on the church ....
It simply amazes me that my roots are so deep in this country and in New England in general. I guess you could say I am lucky enough to have had family that lived through every ounce of modern history this country has endured since its birth ..
Cool huh ...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Hey how ya been
Well it has most certainly been a while since I posted anything of substance. I had decided to step back because I needed to get out of the negative funk I had been in and just start to let life be. I've been told by numerous people I over think everything and I need to just be. Well that's something I have been trying to do more of and not get sucked in by any negative black holes.
So what's news?
Annah Moore's book came out this past week and showed up on my doorstep Monday evening. For those who aren't aware that may read this Annah is a cool friend of mine who kicks ass on the guitar. Annah has written a book with her experience about G.I.D, Transsexualism and Transition
I sat and read the book over the course of two evenings and I have to say I'm quite impressed with her insight. Her book is written in a well spoken and thought out manner. While we have had prior discussions about a lot of what ended up in her book, it amazes me how many parallels that anyone dealing with this seem to have. To sit and read another persons experience and be able to so closely and directly relate it to your own is nothing short of mind numbing.
If you are dealing with this issue or simply want to educate yourself please take it upon yourself to read this book. The more people that educate themselves the healthier this world becomes..
Knowledge is power...
You can find her book at http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-39523-6
I challenge people to open their minds and read it without prejudice
Next up,
I've been taking more and more steps to let people know what has been going on with me and the circle of people that know is slowly closing in now. For most this may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. This is the biggest step in releasing myself of all the years of guilt, frustration and self hatred. In every step I've made it has been refreshing and freeing. as difficult as this is to deal with it has made me feel more at ease not running for the first time in life.
This is it for now but it certainly beats complaining ..Hope ya'll are well and have a kick ass day
So what's news?
Annah Moore's book came out this past week and showed up on my doorstep Monday evening. For those who aren't aware that may read this Annah is a cool friend of mine who kicks ass on the guitar. Annah has written a book with her experience about G.I.D, Transsexualism and Transition
I sat and read the book over the course of two evenings and I have to say I'm quite impressed with her insight. Her book is written in a well spoken and thought out manner. While we have had prior discussions about a lot of what ended up in her book, it amazes me how many parallels that anyone dealing with this seem to have. To sit and read another persons experience and be able to so closely and directly relate it to your own is nothing short of mind numbing.
If you are dealing with this issue or simply want to educate yourself please take it upon yourself to read this book. The more people that educate themselves the healthier this world becomes..
Knowledge is power...
You can find her book at http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-39523-6
I challenge people to open their minds and read it without prejudice
Next up,
I've been taking more and more steps to let people know what has been going on with me and the circle of people that know is slowly closing in now. For most this may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. This is the biggest step in releasing myself of all the years of guilt, frustration and self hatred. In every step I've made it has been refreshing and freeing. as difficult as this is to deal with it has made me feel more at ease not running for the first time in life.
This is it for now but it certainly beats complaining ..Hope ya'll are well and have a kick ass day
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Fear, Frustration, Guilt and time to eat Crowe
In a hastily made decision very early yesterday morning on very little sleep I yanked my blog down and sent out emails regarding the fact I was pulling it. I have had a few people come forward in the last 24 hours and kick me in the ass a bit so I'm going to get this out in the open ..
Chad, Todd and Diane~
Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.
Emily~
My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.
Annah~
Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..
I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.
At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,
During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.
When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.
Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.
It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.
So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..
The blogs purpose simply put..
Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..
I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..
In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.
"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.
I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~
Chad, Todd and Diane~
Thanks for pointing out the things you did which are real valid points for at a minimum for leaving this blog up. It doesn't mean there has to be a post everyday but the info that it there is good and hell it's good therapy. The fact is that I control the information I put in it and not others.
Emily~
My sincere apologies for a few off the wall emails to you over the last few weeks. You have certainly been cool, understanding a patient, probably more than I could have even been.
Annah~
Your latest paragraph was pointed to by Diane in an email and it made a lot of sense about what I've been going through lately ..
I've written about some pretty intense personal issues over the last several months and for some maybe it is too much information and for others it isn't enough. Those issues had started to catch up with me lately and get inside my head. The problem was it was controlling my thoughts and not allowing me to think clearly.
At a recent family gathering for my wife's nephew things started closing in hard on me. Her family has not been made aware of what has been going on with me yet. They know that something is up and I am working on things but they have no idea of the depth of the issue,
During this event I started to get the feeling of disconnect with her family and began to feel guilty and fearful. I have dealt with a large fear in my life of being alone as the people in my life have been a revolving door without concern for my feelings. My family has always been one of ignoring others in rough times because they are mad and it simply easier than to be caring.
When it came to my GID I spent my life living in fear of people finding out, being ostracized, being labelled a freak and most of all not being loved as this was all I ever knew of my family. I recently told my wife I would rather live miserable and have my family than to do anything about it and lose.
Why do we go through life giving so much of ourselves out of fear and guilt? Is it right of me to look past my own well being for the happiness of the people around me? I used to think that was right, that sacrifice is what life was all about and I need to relearn something I thought I had conquered over the last year.
It is alright to be a little selfish for your own well being.
So here we are... I need to take control again of my fears..
The blogs purpose simply put..
Therapy
A place to talk about major issues without it being a rumor
A place to discuss hard personal issues and be in control of my fears
Hopefully someone else will either learn something, or someone who is dealing with it understands they aren't alone in it..
I am thankful for my friends and I am sorry for being a pain in any ones ass ..
In closing I want to quote Annah Moore's latest entry and I hope she doesn't mind.
"Life is about balance; about being in tune with yourself so that you can be in tune with everything, and everyone, else. When there is no peace within, there can be little or no peace in our lives as a whole. We only get one shot to do this, to live, to learn, to enjoy the most precious thing of all: the time that we have on Earth. Don't waste it being miserable. Don't waste it because of fear. LIVE life. How can we live our lives when we are not even ourselves? That is not living... that is waiting to die, or worse... that is living dead.
I will live my life to the fullest extent possible, or I will die trying." ~Annah Moore~
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Rain
Nice cool rain tonight and the sound is sooo soothing. Nice way to clear the head and be at peace with your thoughts. Yesterdays entry may have seemed a bit cryptic or out in left field and who knows maybe from the outside looking in it was. Maybe a bit of insecurity from the inside makes it that.
Things are good, life is ok. I'm just learning to cope with it a bit differently. I've never been out of my element like this, some days are good ones, some days are rough ones, but at the end of the road at least I'm still here to weather the rough ones and take in the good ones.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not asking for permission or validation .. I'm just learning. Learning how to deal with a world that I'm looking at with wider eyes for the first time. When dealing with the G.I.D apparently it can be a common thing, it is the first time I've not sheltered the way I felt or view the world around me.
My way of dealing has always been to put my thoughts in writing, and my feelings into the guitar it is all good therapy.
Tonight we went out to panera for a light dinner and just talked. For the first time my wife was able to put some things into perspective for me that were a little harder for me to view without being a bit blinded by my own thoughts and emotions. She made a lot of sense and the nice part was she understood where I was coming from and pointed to things that were good for me to see...
Things are good, life is ok. I'm just learning to cope with it a bit differently. I've never been out of my element like this, some days are good ones, some days are rough ones, but at the end of the road at least I'm still here to weather the rough ones and take in the good ones.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not asking for permission or validation .. I'm just learning. Learning how to deal with a world that I'm looking at with wider eyes for the first time. When dealing with the G.I.D apparently it can be a common thing, it is the first time I've not sheltered the way I felt or view the world around me.
My way of dealing has always been to put my thoughts in writing, and my feelings into the guitar it is all good therapy.
My insecurity is what has been driving me lately. It's been making me more aware of not only my surroundings but people around me. It's made me feel like I'm constantly being watched and it isn't something I've been accustomed to dealing with through my life. At least I'm experiencing and learning from it... Before I was numb to it, now I'm just aware...
Tonight we went out to panera for a light dinner and just talked. For the first time my wife was able to put some things into perspective for me that were a little harder for me to view without being a bit blinded by my own thoughts and emotions. She made a lot of sense and the nice part was she understood where I was coming from and pointed to things that were good for me to see...
More back in the day remembering
I always loved this picture. This was late in 1985 from the day my daughter was baptized. Yes baptized!! don't ask ... lol .. Everytime I see this picture it reminds me of how young we were when we started out. As young as we were and as tough as it was I still wouldn't change that part of my life. I think in a lot of respects it kept me on the planet for a little longer than I originally thought I'd be.. .
I look at this photo of my wife from then and photos now, I have to say she grew more and more beautiful with age.
I look at this photo of my wife from then and photos now, I have to say she grew more and more beautiful with age.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I'm tired
I'm tired.. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of living with this, I'm tired of fear and frustration, I'm tired of suddenly feel so insecure over everything, I'm tired of people who take but cannot give and I'm just plain tired of living tonight.
I try so hard to be open, giving and caring. Maybe I try too hard who knows. I try to be generous with my time, my ear, my compassion and my money. I constantly try to give but rarely ever get in return.
Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that check in and try and make sure I'm good. I appreciate those people more than I could ever express to them, albeit I try to make sure they know it.
I'm not sure when the turning point was for me I can't put my finger on the day or anything. I was always outgoing and confident even with my hidden secrets. But lately I'm insecure and I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm constantly beating myself up wondering what people think and caring too much about what they think. My skin has gotten thin.. thinner than it has been since I was a kid..
When I was young I was semi introverted, unsure of myself in this world and not extremely outgoing. As I got older music and bands changed that for me. I became a little more of an extrovert and I noticed that people were drawn to me.
Call it cocky or call it confidence, whatever you want, but I had that certain charisma that people seemed to be drawn towards. I was never a follower, I couldn't be. My wife knew it. she could never understand how no matter where we went someone would either know me or talk to me like they had known me their whole lives.. Is that being cocky? who knows
The confidence was a good way of not letting people in and it certainly helped keep me from being hurt by people. It helped hide the real me, it helped conceal my darkest fears and make them shielded from making me a vulnerable person
So how did I go from people being drawn to me to feeling as though I've been pushing them away?When did I lose that self confidence I had become so used too.
Tonight I'm certainly tired..... I'm tired of life..
I try so hard to be open, giving and caring. Maybe I try too hard who knows. I try to be generous with my time, my ear, my compassion and my money. I constantly try to give but rarely ever get in return.
Don't get me wrong I do have a few friends that check in and try and make sure I'm good. I appreciate those people more than I could ever express to them, albeit I try to make sure they know it.
I'm not sure when the turning point was for me I can't put my finger on the day or anything. I was always outgoing and confident even with my hidden secrets. But lately I'm insecure and I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm constantly beating myself up wondering what people think and caring too much about what they think. My skin has gotten thin.. thinner than it has been since I was a kid..
When I was young I was semi introverted, unsure of myself in this world and not extremely outgoing. As I got older music and bands changed that for me. I became a little more of an extrovert and I noticed that people were drawn to me.
Call it cocky or call it confidence, whatever you want, but I had that certain charisma that people seemed to be drawn towards. I was never a follower, I couldn't be. My wife knew it. she could never understand how no matter where we went someone would either know me or talk to me like they had known me their whole lives.. Is that being cocky? who knows
The confidence was a good way of not letting people in and it certainly helped keep me from being hurt by people. It helped hide the real me, it helped conceal my darkest fears and make them shielded from making me a vulnerable person
So how did I go from people being drawn to me to feeling as though I've been pushing them away?When did I lose that self confidence I had become so used too.
Tonight I'm certainly tired..... I'm tired of life..
Friday, October 06, 2006
Lesson~ turn the lights on!
Well, I was making my breafast this am getting ready for work. Ever since I started losing weight I make it a point to eat breakfast which was something I never used to do..
While at the stove doing my scrambled eggs Diane walked by me with a basket of clothes going towards the basement. I asked her what she was doing, it isn't normal in our house to be doing laundry at 5 am.. She said she needed her clothe for the gym tonight so she was going to do an early load..
Within a minute I heard a bang and a scream.. She fell on the stairs and hit the baseboard heater at the bottom near the floor. Looks like she may have broken her little toe. I flew down there and once she said she was ok my only reply was .. Why didn't you put the light on ... I got that blank stare again ....
While at the stove doing my scrambled eggs Diane walked by me with a basket of clothes going towards the basement. I asked her what she was doing, it isn't normal in our house to be doing laundry at 5 am.. She said she needed her clothe for the gym tonight so she was going to do an early load..
Within a minute I heard a bang and a scream.. She fell on the stairs and hit the baseboard heater at the bottom near the floor. Looks like she may have broken her little toe. I flew down there and once she said she was ok my only reply was .. Why didn't you put the light on ... I got that blank stare again ....
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