Winding Roads III

By March we were getting settles into each others habits and routines and while it wasn’t the best of situations to be in at the age of 19, it was certainly new for the 2 of us. Looking back on it now seeing myself at that age I now understand just how young I really was in the grand plan of life.

Somewhere around the middle of March there was a knock at our door. When I questioned who was on the other end of the knock the answer was in a deep stern voice “Methuen Police”. Without hesitation I assumed it was a god friend of mine but when I opened the door I would not have been more wrong.

At this point let me say that I understand I shouldn’t have to defend myself and my character speaks volumes of who I am to those who know me. To date I have no police record, I have never been arrested or detained in any way shape or form. In 24 years I have a total of 2 moving violations and 2 warnings and those were back when I was a teenager. I have never done drugs or tried them…nope not even WEED ..

So suffice to say every time this has happened it leaves me bewildered how someone can so easily abuse the legal system as such. Mom always had a way to try an punish me emotionally and this would be no different. The police had the 2nd, (Yes 2nd) restraining order for me. I had one previously a year before when I got tossed out the first time and was living with my ½ sisters.

I’ve never placed a hand on my mom in anger and I have never ever threatened her. It’s not even on record, yet time and time again the state of Massachusetts goes on the word of the women. I can’t say I blame them but it was always without merit and done to fuck with my emotions ..no more no less. I had a police officer tell me later that they would rather give out 100 and be wrong 100 times than to no do it and be wrong. I certainly understand the logic but in today’s society a piece of paper does nothing to stop abuse and in most cases that become public.. murders ..

My relationship with my mom had always been one of control and fear by her. I can’t say I don’t love my mom because I’d be lying ..it is my mom after all. Things would come to light later in life that would make me understand a bit better albeit I still would agree or be happy about it. I grew up in a household of abuse but I never understood that or realized it until later in life. I’m now learning about the affects it has had on my life and how I’ve tried not to deal with personal problems.

My whole life has been a quest to have people around me I love but I’ve learned that it isn’t possible. At least not in my situation. I’ve dealt with abandonment from my Dad, Mom my ½ siblings etc etc. This had not only been an issue early on but it is something that I deal with today and has done incredible damage to be own well being and self worth at times. This was also a lesson I wanted to correct in being there for my unborn child but sadly I wasn’t being allowed to make that decision for myself which was a huge frustration to me.

Not many people are faced ahead of time wondering those questions that would plaque us later in life. What would my child be like at 18? Would they have a good life? Would they hate me for not fighting harder to keep them. For me the biggest thing was to defeat that fear of abandonment and have someone in my life who I could not only love and be responsible for but they would be my family unconditionally and give me a reason to go on.

I’ve tried my best to live a life of doing my best by others and for the most part I believe I have lived up to that as best as I could be. I’ve never done right by myself and the things I needed to do to be happier. I’ve recently had someone point out to me that I am a people pleaser and I guess that could be a true label .

I won’t say I’ve ever tried to commit suicide as I’ve never had the gun in my mouth but there have been a lot of times in my life where I’ve contemplated it and come close to making that more. The thing that keeps me is the fear of the unknown so I guess in that instance fear is a good thing. There were many times during those early days I felt I’d be better off but the desire to be there for my child was greater than any other negative that could have pushed me to that.